Diary of a B.I.G. P.H.A.T Girl

I'm back!

2011-04-17T20:41:00.001-05:00

So, I haven't blogged in a while. 3 months and 4 days to be exact. I finally figured out why I wasn't blogging. I was sad, angry, mad, upset, disgusted, and generally just hating myself.

Why do you ask?

Well, that's what I didnt realize 3 months and 4 days ago. But during that time I've figured it out. At first I was all of those things because of me. I hated looking in the mirror. I hated getting on the scale. I hated everything that is part of being me. But mostly I hate the fact that I felt this way.

And I kept asking myself why I felt that way. And it kept coming back to one reason.....Charlie* (I changed that jerk's name because I hate him too much for breaking my spirit and love for myself to ever say his name again)

You see, 2 years ago, I lost 50 pounds. I felt great. I had a lot of confidence. I was happy with myself on the inside and for the first time on the outside too.

And then I met Charlie. And Charlie liked me. And Charlie made me fall in love with him. Charlie kept me at bay. He told me he didnt want a relationship, but always kept me within arms reach. Dangling there with the hope he'd change his mind because actions speak louder than the words he was saying.

And then, without me realizing it, Charlie broke me down. Charlie filled my head with the thoughts that, although I'd lost 50 pounds, it wasn't enough to make someone love me. Because men don't want girls who look like me. And all men are shallow. And ........I slowly started to believe him.

And then I started to hate myself. I didnt like how I looked. I didnt like who I was. So I ate. And while I can say that I'm the one who put the food in my mouth and I know better, Charlie is the one who put the thoughts in my head that I couldnt get out. So I ate. I regressed into my old habits because I thought it would make me feel better. Even though it didnt and I knew it would.

And slowly, I gained all of those 50 pounds back, plus about 5 more. And that made me more depressed. And I had nothing to say on here because I felt like I let everyone down, especially myself.

Then one day, I realized, being with Charlie and wanting to be with Charlie was like being a battered woman in a terrible relationship. He was beating me down mentally, but keeping me hooked enough to stick around. So, one more in February, I woke up and decided no more. No more communication, no more talking, no more hanging out, no more Charlie. I told him he would never hear from me again and he hasn't.

So, I went into mourning for myself and the fact that I changed so much of who I am because of one insignificant jerk. And then a miraculous thing happened, slowly, I started to like myself again and I realized I do want to lose weight, not to attract a man and not for anyone else, but I want to lose weight to be healthy and I want to do it for ME.

So, now I'm here. I'm starting a new adventure and venture with a program called Advocare (more about that in a later post) I've got my motivation, I've got my support from the best family in the world, and I've got a feeling I'm going to succeed!

Snow Days

2011-01-13T13:23:00.000-06:00

Well, here we are on day 4 being out of school for snow. This means, I have been stuck at my house since Sunday without getting out because our road is so bad. It looks like we'll be out tomorrow too.

But in my time off, I have found that I'm not prone to eat all day. In fact, I've hardly eaten while I've been home. I've kept myself busy researching things online, making curriculum maps for the rest of the school year, trying to register for things for my new home I'm getting, etc. I have to make myself eat because I haven't been hungry during my time off. This is surprising considering I'm usually tearing the house apart to find food to eat when we are stuck in the house for days and days.

Also in my time off, I've gotten to be a channel surfer to find things to watch on tv. Can I just say I am amazed by how many shows there are on tv that are about losing weight, food, or addictions? It's ridiculous. I've been watching this show on MTV called "I used to be Fat." It's pretty interesting. It's like The Biggest Loser for teens. It takes a teen who just graduated high school and gives them a trainer and they have their summer before college to lose all this weight. I've watched 3 of them and it's pretty interesting and motivating. It sure would be nice to have a trainer who would come bust my butt for 3 months to get my weight off. But then again, I need to be self motivated to do it.

So, with that said, I'm going to go exercise. And by that I mean, bust out a workout tape I have since I cant get out of my road to go to the gym.

And so it begins.....

2010-12-31T16:13:00.000-06:00

I was inspired after my last blog to give myself a feasible challenge to meet. Why not walk 1,000 miles? I am turning 30 in 468 days (you can keep up with it using the ticker on the right) and I feel that is plenty of time to walk 1,000 for fitness. I figure while I'm walking that I'll also be getting in shape and losing weight. It's a win/win situation here.
So, I signed up to do the Country Music Half Marathon on April 30th. That's 13.1 miles. By training every day for it I'll be racking up lots of miles toward my goal. Between now and the 1/2 marathon I'll probably do some 5ks. My first one will probably be the Zoo Run Run if anyone is interested. That's a fun one to do.

"A journey of 1,000 miles....."

2010-12-15T12:16:00.000-06:00

(or in my case 100 pounds) "begins with a single step" as Lao Tzu once said. I think this quote is so fitting for weightloss. If you look at the destination and the end number of miles traveled (or pounds lost) it seems so far off and like such a long way to go. But you have to start. That first step can be the hardest step you ever take, but you have to go!

Along any long journey you also have to stop and take a break (but in weightloss breaks are not allowed). Sometimes on journeys you stop at different milemarkers (milestones) or kitchy little places where you see something interesting and stop to stretch your legs and maybe pick up a souvenir or two.

Here's something I've been thinking about doing from reading some of the other weightloss blogs I follow. I want to make some mini goals and some non-food rewards to have when I reach those mini goals. So I need suggestions. I already know a pedicure would be one reward and maybe a massage would be another one. But I need more suggestions for when I get the rewards and what I get. These will be my milemarkers and the rewards are my souviners from my journey. Send me your suggestions!

A Letter to Me

2010-12-12T20:01:00.000-06:00

I was watching "The Biggest Loser" the other night. I only ever seem to watch that show when it's the last 2 or 3 episodes. Anyways, the Final 4 people went home and had a dvd that they watched. On the video were clips of themselves at their heaviest when they started the show telling their new selves things to remember and encouraging them. So that has inspired me to write a letter to myself. Here goes:

Dear Cheyenne,

You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent and independent woman. You have finished and accomplished so many things in your life that most people probably didnt believe you could do, but you did. You've even lost 50 pounds before, so you know that you CAN do it.

I look at pictures of you from the past year and I see how you went from your lowest weight to gaining most of your weight back. I see how happy you look in the "skinny" pictures. And I know it upsets you to see yourself now and makes you sad and makes you feel like a failure, but you've got to stop beating yourself up about it. You did it once and you can do it again. Let me rephrase, you WILL do it again and then some.

Only this time you will do it differently. You will lose it for YOU, not for anyone else, but YOU. You won't let the attention you get change you and change your way of thinking.

I want you to remember how great you feel when you drink the water and exercise, how refreshed your body feels, how happy it makes you to be able to MOVE, how you love to get new clothes, how your eyes seems to sparkle and pop because they aren't hidden behind sad feelings or chubby cheeks.

But most of all I want you to remember that you have the greatest family and friends supporting you through it all. They support you because they want what is best for you. Being healthy and living a healthier lifestyle is definitely what is BEST for you.

Now here's what I want you to do. I want you to quit looking for comfort in food and instead channel your sad or uspet feelings into working out or something constructive. I want you to look toward the future and not live in the past and dwell on things that you cannot change or reverse. What's done is done. It's up to you to realize that and just move on and move past it. I want you to stop making excuses and start making a plan and sticking to it. You are so good at planning out everything else in your life; this is a plan you HAVE to start making and following through. And I want you to be healthy because you are a vibrant asset to this world that needs to stay around for as long as possible.

I LOVE YOU!!!! And you CAN do this! Your tomorrow starts TODAY!

Love,
Me

Why? vs. What?

2010-11-27T12:01:00.000-06:00

I've been reading different blogs this weekend (as has everyone else apparently) and it got me thinking (dangerous I know).

When you are fat/big/obese/overweight...whatever you want to call it, you always want to ask yourself why? Why did I get this fat? Why did I gain all of the weight? Why can't I lose the weight? Why can't I just eat what I want and be skinny? Why are my pants too tight? Why did I eat that extra helping of potatoes?

I'm sure everyone asks themselves why about many things in their lives, but it seems when people try to lose weighty they keep asking themselves why can't I lose the weight when I'm doing everything right? But like another fellow blogger has pointed out many times over the past week, if you are REALLY following your plan, then you should be losing weight.

So instead of asking ourselves why we aren't being successful, we should ask ourselves WHAT we can do to be successful? Instead of asking Why can't I lose weight, ask yourself, WHAT can I be doing better. Instead of asking why don't my pants fit, ask WHAT you can do to get those pants loose again. Instead of asking why can't I eat what I want and be skinny, ask WHAT you should eat always to be healthy. Instead of asking why did I eat those extra servings of food, ask yourself WHAT you could do instead.

Success is dependent on attitude. If we want to keep being down and asking why, our success will be poor. If we want to be upbeat and positive and ask what we can do to continue on the road to success, then we will get what we want.

We CAN do this guys! We CAN be successful! Now WHAT are you going to do about it?

Being Fat isn't Funny!

2010-11-22T18:03:00.000-06:00

I think I have a touch of the stomach bug. I have not had a fun day when it comes to my tummy. I've drank boo coos of water today to make sure I stay hydrated, but the thought of food makes me want to puke...literally.

Anyways, so because I feel so icky I did something I usually do not do....I came home and have just laid on the couch. While laying on the couch, I've been watching tv. America's Funniest Videos to be exact. And I actually got kind of ill about it. Here's why:

They often like to put clips of videos together that have similar concepts. This group of clips were of people breaking chairs, getting stuck in chairs, etc. The common theme for all of the people was that they were big...aka fat. Now, I personally, do not find that funny at all.

Being fat isn't funny for the person who is big. I mean, would you laugh at a 1 legged man who entered a 3 legged race with a friend? Or would you laugh at an anorexic 55 pound girl who was so thin she could fit between bars that are 5 inches apart? No! So why do people find it funny if a person with a bigger butt gets stuck in a rocking chair or when their chair breaks underneath them?

And the thing is, skinny people probably think it's ok to laugh at the fat people who get stuck in or break chairs because the fat person is usually laughing too. But I'm sure the person stuck or laying on the ground doesn't really find it funny. Laughing it off is part of the defense mechanism I think most fat people use to cope with their feelings about being fat in a superficial world like ours. The funniest people I know are fat and it's usually because they are making fun of themselves because they know if they say it before a skinny person does, then it won't be as funny. You know, calling out the white elephant in the room, so to speak.

I dont know. Maybe this rant has gone off on a tangent. Basically I wanted to say, think before you laugh at someone who breaks a chair or gets stuck in one. Just because they are laughing on the outside doesn't mean they aren't crying on the inside from complete embarassment and mortification.

A New Day

2010-11-20T21:24:00.000-06:00

I had a great day. It started off by meeting two old friends from college for breakfast. I think I did good making healthier choices than I normally would make. And I drank a TON of water. I mean, I was floating before my food even came out!

After breakfast/brunch was over, I went to Dick's Sporting Goods to return some shoes that did not work for me. I had tried some of the Reebok toning shoes. They sure looked cute and felt ok when I tried them on, but wearing them all day or walking in them for a long time they made my feet hurt and really tired. So, I returned the shoes and got a pair of Asics (my favorite walking shoes).

After I got the shoes, I went shopping for some healthy food and came back with a bunch of fruit, veggies, and low calorie dinners to eat. So, now I'm set for my plan to lose weight. I reset my weightloss ticker with my starting weight being what today's weigh in was and then I decided to set a mini-weightloss goal for 10%.

And lastly, I emailed/posted a comment to some fellow friends who are losing weight about signing up for a 5k together. I think it'll be fun!

Insomnia leads to late night thinking

2010-11-18T23:25:00.000-06:00

For whatever reason, I cannot sleep tonight. This seems to be a trend. I have the worst time sleeping lately.

Anyways, not being able to sleep leads to an overactive brain that starts thinking about things and usually winds up back at me (I'm so ego-centric right?)

This week I heard 2 things I found shocking and interesting all at once. I'll start with the most recent. Tonight while I was in my car, I heard the nightly trivia question. The question was: "What do 80% of men say they look for in a woman?" You wanna know the answer?.....Surprising to me, the answer was a woman who is fuller figured (to put it nicely). The guy said "Thin is not 'in' anymore."

I'm pleasantly surprised that this is the statistic. Hooray if it is completely true. I'm no rail of a woman, and never will be so maybe out of those 80 % of men, one will eventually sweet me off my feet. However, I am convinced that I must only know the other 20% of men who did not agree.with this statistic.

The 2nd thing I heard this week was on an episode of "Ugly Betty" reruns. I love that show (as superficial as it may be), but I was kind of....well I dont know exactly how to describe my feelings about the episode I watched. In short, Betty (the younger sister who wears braces) has a dream that she had perfect teeth and that it changed her entire life. Her older sister Hilda, instead of being gorgeous and business savvy, wound up being frumpy and a loser. Betty's fairy godmother (if you want to call her that) told her that in life there can only be one pretty sister and since Betty had perfect teeth which lead to perfect everything else, that left Hilda as the ugly sister. And the pretty sister is the one who gets everything while the ugly sister gets nothing.

So this got me thinking and I dont agree with this statement at all. I look at my sister and myself and, while her life does seem to be everything she wants while mine is lacking many things I want, I do not see us as 1 pretty sister and 1 ugly sister. I think we are both rather nice looking. Yes, I know I'm bigger than she is (always have been and probably always will be), but we are both pretty. So, I disagree that 2 sisters can't both be pretty or that 2 sisters lives have to be so drastically different from one another because of some law of the universe that only one of them can have what they want out of life or be successful.

On another note...tonight while Ive been laying here trying to fall asleep, I was thinking about what keeps me from being skinny. I really dont know. I watch shows where these people have a deep revelation that allows them to get over something that happened in their past that theyve been eating away the memories over. I can't think of anything that would be my reason.

My second thought about this was why is weightloss the one thing I really seem to fail at? I mean, I am so in control of pretty much everything else in my life. I am very focused and driven at my job. I know I'm the type of person who puts everyone else first in my life and that I would drop whatever to help them out.

So, I don't get why I am not as willing to do that for myself. Or why I am such a control freak about so many things, except following and sticking to a diet. This is why I will never be anorexic or bullemic. I am not disciplined enough to control it or to stick with it.

Anyways, just some random ramblings and thoughts.....from an insomniac

Losing Weight in the digital age

2010-11-18T21:39:00.000-06:00

Since I decided to start doing better at keeping track of what I eat and counting the calories for it, I knew I needed something to write it all down on. Well, this is the digital age, so I looked on my Droid for an app that would let me (for free) keep track of my caloric intake during the day. I found MyFitnessPal. And can I just say that I. LOVE. IT!

For starters it is FREE. Secondly, it is on my phone and my phone is ALWAYS with me so I can immediately put in what I've consumed to help me keep track of how many calories I've consumed. It also, lets me keep track of exercise and water and weight. It's just an absolutely great tool to have. Oh yeh, and you can look up ANYTHING on there and it will pop up so you can track everything you eat from anywhere you get it from.

Today I logged in every single thing I ate or drank. And although I went over my calorie goal, I am able to look at where I could have done better and know tomorrow I will do better.

I've also been looking up the number of calories in some healthy foods I like so I can make a menu and go shopping this weekend. The internet is my friend today!

Yay!

Goals

2010-11-14T21:36:00.000-06:00

My motivation is back!!!! It's felt like a slow rumble of thunder inside me for a while to get back in "lose weight" mode, and now that thunder has finally hit me and I am gung ho about it.

I weighed myself on Friday and text my weightloss accountant (my sister) to let her know the number. I was bummed because it was higher than I wanted, so I made these goals for myself for the week: drink at least 3 big bottles of water every day, keep track of what I eat so I can keep track of calories and try to stay around 1600 a day. I'm also going to throw in there to work out at least 3 times this week.

Now, I've been getting pumped about these goals all weekend. I was in Smyrna/Murfreesboro for most of the weekend, which usually means I eat out the whole time I'm there. So when I got back home today I was going to take a shower and decided to weigh myself. I figured it would either be the same as Friday or higher, BUT OMG I was 1.5 pounds lighter than I had been on Friday morning!!! Happy day to me!

So now I'm super motivated! Ive got my water bottles ready to go for tomorrow. A semi-idea of what I'm gonna eat for the day to keep it in the calorie range and I'm already thinking about what exercise I'm going to do when I get home from school tomorrow. Yay me!

The Pity Party is now officially over!

2010-11-09T22:45:00.000-06:00

ok. I'll be honest. Reflecting back over the past few weeks...ok, months, I see that I have been having a pity party for myself. It's not big secret that I've gained a good portion of the original weight I lost back. I mean, you can't exactly hide weight gain when you are out in public every day. So, yeh, just in case you are oblivious, I. Have. Gained. Weight. There! I said it, the secret is out.

Now, I finally was honest with myself that I had gained too much of my weight back back in July. I acknowledged it outwardly, but inwardly I denied! Denied! Denied! However, there is one aspect of my job that keeps me from deny to myself any longer that I have gained weight. My clothes! I want to cry every morning when I'm having to pick out something to wear because all of my pants are too tight. I can't squeeze into the 14s I was wearing at the end of last year. :( And I'm sure my shirts look awful with that spare tire I apparently picked up on the side of the road at some point.

Ok, sorry that last comment was a pity party comment. Here's the deal. I really have been feeling bad about myself and gaining weight. I've been talking about what I was going to start doing since July, but I haven't done a darn thing. Why? I honestly think it's because I do not want to admit that I've gotta start over, or just get started period. I keep thinking about how hard it was the first time, but then I think about how great I felt after I got in the groove of eating healthy, drinking water, and exercising regularly.

So, I took a step tonight. I contacted a nutritionist I know to see about getting some tips/help/ a giant push in the right direction.... Also, I read some great blogs tonight that I've been missing out on (Jessie you've reinspired me) since I've been so busy and that has really really REALLY got me motivated. Finally, my AMAZING sister sent me the sweetest, bestest, most encouraging text after she read my last blog.

So, now what? Well, baby steps, baby steps. I'm gonna work out a plan to be started ASAP. Since it's almost 10:45, I dont exactly have it worked out, but hopefully by the end of the week I will and I can get on target. Knowing people love you and support you and want to see you succeed for YOU makes everything worthwhile.

One of my goals is to blog daily. Knowing people are reading and anticipating my words will keep me focused. I will also continue to text my sister every Friday morning after I've weighed in. She's my accountant (she holds me accountable). I'll continue to drink uber tons of water daily. And I think I'm going to take my friend Jessie's idea and sign up on Caloriecount.com to keep track of my calories along with keeping a little food journal to write down what I eat.

Ok, I'll work the kinks out in my plan more tomorrow. Time for some rest.

This is a Heavy post

2010-11-03T21:10:00.000-05:00

So, recently I was watching some entertainment news show ( I think maybe The Insider). Anywho, they showed a clip about Wynonna Judd discussing her recent 60 + pound weightloss. She apparently has been doing some kind of brain thing where she just basically reconditions her brain to want to eat correctly, etc. The part that hit me was when they were discussing how she got to the point where she finally decided to make a change and lose some weight.

Here is where the heaviness sets in for me in this post. In the discussion about why Wynonna decided to get help, she said that some of the people close to her were talking to her and told her they felt like watching her continue to live like she was (meaning eating and being a fattie) was like watching a "slow suicide" and asked her what she was going to do about it.

Wow! I mean, what a way to look at it I guess. So, ever since I've heard that I've really been thinking about that. I mean, do people think that about me? I mean, I know what I should be doing, and I have the desire to eat better and work out, but for some reason I'm weak and I'm not doing it.

So I now I'm looking at myself trying to figure out why I'm not doing what I should be doing and how to get my rear in gear to get on track. It's just heavy on my mind and I can't quit thinking about it. I don't want to die because I'm making poor choices. Gotta make changes and gotta get started. No more excuses.

Why I refuse to get the BRCA test

2010-10-19T21:41:00.000-05:00

My mom is a breast cancer survivor. I am beyond thankful that she is alive and well and can be an amazing inspiration to other women and men who are going through the scary time and experience of cancer.

Five years ago when my mother was going through her breast cancer treatments, a test was given called the BRCA genetics test, which looks for a mutation on a gene that is linked to hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. This basically means that it can be passed down through a family.

My grandmother's mother had cancer, my grandmother had cancer, my mom had cancer.....do you see that this is obviously passed through my family? Would you be surprised if I told you that my mom tested positive for the mutated BRCA gene? Would you say my chances of having the mutated gene are already high?

When my mom was tested they told her that it's a 50/50 chance that she would pass that gene to her daughters. Guess what? She has 2 daughters. The way I look at it, that means than one of us could wind up with the mutated gene and one of us couldn't.

Doctors strongly push for you to get the test if your family member has tested positive because they will put you on high alert watch for breast and ovarian cancer. They also encourage you to look into preventative surgery (such as having a mascetomy and hysterectomy) once you are you done having kids.

Now, I told you all of that to tell you this: I flat out refuse to have the test done. Here are my reason's why:

1. If God is going to give me cancer, He's already planned for me to have it.
2. Because I've had at least 3 maternal family members who have had a form of breast and/or ovarian cancer, I'm already on a high alert watch. My doctors are well aware of my family history and make sure to check, check, and double check when anything seems out of place.
3. Since my sister and I have a 50/50 chance of having the mutation, I would DIE if she had it and I didn't. All I would ever do if I knew if one of us did have the gene is worry about when it would finally put the cancer in us. Why worry about something you have no control over anyways?
4. I am 28 and still single and I don't have kids. I want kids, but I don't have any prospects for a husband yet. So, if I tested positive for the gene, exactly how old would they wait for me to get before they started harping on me to have my top and insides removed as a preventative measure? Would they wait it out to see if someone ever marries me and has babies with me? Or would they start asking me at 35 to have my breasts removed and my ovaries taken out because I'm still single and childless? Also, just because you have them removed doesn't mean that cancer won't and/or can't form in the tissue where your breasts and ovaries were.

So, basically I will never have the test done because I know that I'll be taken care of regardless of whether one little gene says that I may or may not get cancer one day. So why give myself the extra stress?

Floating

2010-10-08T22:17:00.000-05:00

I text my weight to my "accountant" a.k.a. my sister today. Boo for the number but yay for her support. My accountant gave me the goal of drinking at least 2 bottles of water today. Well, yay for me that I had already drank 1 HUGE bottle of water. I already feel skinnier. Of course, I had to potty all day long because you know when you drink a lot of water that it goes straight through you. All I can hope is that it's just draining the fat out of me. haha.

So, tonight when I got home from my day of shopping my dad and I baked some fish sticks and fries. And I drank some tea. Then I drank another HUGE bottle of water. Sooooo that means that its 10:15 and I know I wont be able to sleep much for having to potty every 5 minutes the rest of the night. But like I said, I already feel skinnier. :)

I am my own worst enemy

2010-10-06T23:03:00.004-05:00

I have come to realize that I'm fighting a losing battle. I worked so hard for a year to lose 50 pounds and I'm ashamed at how much I've actually gained back of that 50 pounds. (insert sad face here) The worst part is that instead of doing something about it, I've just sat here and beaten myself up about it while I down another Dr. Pepper or eat another piece of fattening food.

I joined Weight Watchers Online in July but have done terrible at keeping up with the points and food I eat during the day. Ive also REALLLLY started slacking in the working out department. I mean, I've started going back to Zumba, but on the days I don't go, I don't make myself work out at home.

It would be easy to blame other people (namely a P.O.S. guy who broke my heart), the fault is all on myself for gaining the weight back. I changed my reasons for losing weight from "to get healthy for myself" to "to look good for a guy." That's not me and who I am, but I was stupid and it backfired on me MAJORLY.

First of all, I let the fact that someone seemed to like me after I had lost weight but was still chunky deter me from continuing to work hard to lose weight because I got into that comfortable "oooh, someone likes me for me" stage. THEN, I let the same P.O.S. guy convince me that no guy would really want me unless I was even skinnier, so I busted my self until I wound up hurting my side and getting burnt out on what I was doing. I did like how I looked at that point, but I was obsessed with my looks. Then, P.O.S. guy broke my heart and spirit when that wasn't enough to be working at being healthy and I gave up and quit caring. Shame on me!

This is me at my lowest. I think I looked good here but at the time in my mind I thought I looked like 1,000 pounds. Now my goal is to look like this again before my birthday in April.

I told my dad last week that I was considering joining Jenny Craig again because I did good on it, but then I asked myself why did J.C. work for me? The answer: a planned out menu and someone who called and checked in once a week to find out what the scale said and to talk about how I felt about myself.

So then, I started thinking, how could I do the same thing but cheaper? The solution: plan my own menu out based on caloric intake per day (I remember how much I should have if I'm trying to lose weight from J.C. days) and take a picture of the number on the scale and text it to my sister.

Why my sister you ask? Well, she's my bff. She's the one person who I don't mind telling a number to because I know she doesn't judge me by that number. She is super supportive and knows how hard it is for me to deal with the fact that I dont look on the outside like what I feel like I look like. She knows me and why I am the way I am. She will hold me accountable. And she is the one person in the whole world that I would never want to disappoint.

So, I'm going to quit beating myself up about why I've gained weight and make the changes I need to succeed. I have the materials, I know what to do. Now it's a matter of doing it.

Really?

2010-09-20T20:41:00.000-05:00

I'll be the first person to tell you I'm not skinny. (I'm really working on not calling myself "fat" anymore). So, anways, I know I'm unskinny. However, I do not like for other people to point this out to me. It's like telling me the sky is blue and the grass is green. I mean, really? I know this!

Today, the Unskinny Girl's worst nightmare came true when I heard these words. "So, how far along are you?"

REALLY?.....I MEAN, REALLY?!?!?!

Oh, but it didn't stop there. I politely said, "Oh, I'm not!" To which this person replies, "Oh, I mean how far along are you in your pregnancy?"

AGAIN.....REALLY?!?!?! I again, nicely, but more forcibly reply, "I'm not pregnant, but my friend is" (as I point toward my friend.

This "special" person (and I say special because at this point you just know their brain has fallen out of their head) says, "Oh, I know she's expecting, but when are you due?"

At this point I just turned around and walked off. It was all I could do to keep from crying and throwing up all at the same time. I know I'm "unskinny," but GOOD GRIEF! I'm trying (I could always try harder), but I'm trying and working at eating healthier and working out. I hate to think that people actually look at me and think I'm pregnant when I'm not!

So I went to Zumba tonight and busted my butt to work out hard. I was sweating like a pig and feel great from it. Tomorrow, I will eat like a bird and work out when I get home. I. Will. Not. Be. Unskinny. Anymore!

Sad Eyes and Sliding Doors

2010-09-06T21:25:00.000-05:00

Have any of you ever seen the movie "Sliding Doors" with Gweneth Paltrow? I had to watch it in a Sociology class that I took in college and, honestly, it was the best class I had that semester. I really liked the movie and related to it. I've always had a "what if" mentality about life. What if I didn't get stuck behind that slow driver? What if I hadn't been at that particular place at that particular time? What if I had grown up skinny instead of bigger? What if my parents hadn't shown me that I was worth something even though I was bigger than other children? What if my parents didnt teach me to exude self-confidence for who I am, rather than to worry about who I'm not?

I have wondered these last question all of my life. How would my life have been different if I had grown up a size 2 instead of a 10 or 16? Would I have met the "love of my life" at age 16, gotten married out of high school, and be sitting here writing about my 5 kids, 3 dogs, and 2 cats? Would I be as outgoing and independent? Would I be conceited about my looks? Would I be anything like the me that I am today?

I also have wondered how my life would have been different if my parents hadn't loved me enough to help me see that I am worth something even though I'm bigger. I honestly believe my parents and sister are the reason I am who I am and the way I am today. I've said before how supportive and loving they are of me and always have been. I am eternally grateful for that.

Although I never thought I would, I have now seen a glimpse of what I think I would have been like if I hadn't had the supportive and loving family that I do. It's hard to explain the sad soul that you see in the eyes of someone who has been "beaten down" by their loved ones. How can you ever tell a child that they are ugly, fat, worthless? Maybe it's because I know how it is to be the big kid in class, but I can relate. I know the demons that are in their head. I know how conscious they are about their weight. I know how, even though they may be the prettiest person in the room, being big makes you feel the ugliest.

But to actually see the eyes of someone who doesn't have a mother at home who tells you to ignore the taunts by mean boys and girls because you are beautiful....that breaks my soul. Because that could have been me. The look in the eyes haunt me because the sad look that you see in them makes your soul cry for the pain you know they feel.

I will always remember the ugly things kids said to me when I was in school. I'll never forget being called Buffalo Butt in 2nd grade.Teasing doesnt end in elementary school, I've even had grown-ups make ugly comments to me when I was shopping for bridesmaid dresses for my sister's and friends' weddings. So, I KNOW how a child who is teased about their weight feels.

I chose my profession because I want to make a difference in someone's life. Hopefully, I can make a difference in many lives. But if I can make a difference in just one, I will have succeeded. My goal is to make those sad eyes KNOW that they are loved by someone who's been in their shoes; To make those sad eyes understand that no matter what you look like on the outside, or what people say about you, or what people call you, YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL; To make those sad eyes always smile because they know they are worth everything they wish and dream for in life.

I want to be at the "sliding door" for Sad Eyes. I want to help them see the possibilities of a life lived knowing they are wonderful being who they are. I want YOU to make a concerted effort to encourage yourself and anyone you know to be kind to big people. You could be the door to change in their life.

Buh-bye 2 pounds!

2010-09-03T21:12:00.000-05:00

Oh yay-uh! So, I'm sure it's water weight and blah blah blah, but 2 pounds gone is 2 pounds gone! woooooooo hooooooooo! I tell you what, seeing the numbers go down on the scale always seems to be the biggest motivation I need. I'm not going to lie, I haven't being a huge stickler with the food part or even the working out part, but I guess doing a little of both combined to get started can really get ya going. So, now my goals for this week are to remember to take a multi-vitamin every day, drink more water, continue eating better, and working out (like me time kind of working out, not just walking the dogs) at least 3 times this week. I can do it. Shoot, 2 pounds is just the one small step I need get on it! Woooooo hoooooooooo!!!

Day 2

2010-09-01T21:21:00.000-05:00

Getting better. I will admit but that I went over my daily allotment for points, but not by much (like 1 or 2). AND....drumroll please.....I went to Zumba!!!! I could have made every excuse under the sun not to go, like I was tired when I got home, the dogs wanted me to stay, I didnt want to drive that far. But I went, and had a blast. I really really REALLY have missed going. I made a pact with my friend Leslie to go every Monday and Wednesday (when Annette the greatest Zumba instructor teaches). Of course, they will be closed this Monday for Labor Day, so I have to wait a week to go again, but I'm so pumped about it.

I can't believe I was as nervous as I was to go because the last time I was there I was skinny (ok, really just smaller than I am now). I didnt want to see all my jiggly parts jiggling in the mirror, so I refused to look at myself while I danced but at least I felt like I was doing it right and I had fun! haha!

So now, tomorrow, my goal is to do really well on the "points" and walk or work out when I get home. I can do this!
P.S. Thanks for all of the support from my friends and readers! It's definitely encouraging to know I have so many people wishing me well.

Day 1

2010-08-31T20:08:00.000-05:00

Well, Day 1 went.......ok. I logged my food in at school that I had before I came home and quickly learned that one of my favorite "healthy" snacks is not so healthy. FYI Smart popcorn is 7 points! Let me break it down. On Weight Watchers Online (WWO) you get a certain amount of "points" to use every day and then you have what I call "savings" points that you can use throughout the week here and there as backup. Personally, I don't like to dip into savings, even if it's just points for food. You can also earn extra points when you work out.

So, after logging my breakfast, snack, lunch, and snack, I had 8 points left for the day. Now....to me, this doesnt seem like a lot, but when you try to figure out what you wanna eat for dinner it's not much. Anyways, I would say for Day 1, it went ok. I was going to plan a menu for the week, but I am going to use this week as a see what I can do kind of week. As in, see what my favorite things to eat will cost me if I eat them on this points system and start to regulate portions with those if I want to continue to taste those things. So, my plan is to work on a menu that I can start with on Sunday.

I played basketball with my kids today and mowed the yard for an hour, so I count that as some exercise. My goal is to also start sloooooowly getting my body back in the habit of regular exercise and build up to what I used to be doing. Tomorrow I'm going to Zumba, which makes me happy and nervous all at the same time because I really don't want my fat jiggling everywhere, BUT I know that going helps that fat jiggle right off, so that's good.

Wow, this is a boring blog tonight, but it's a start.

Starting over

2010-08-30T21:08:00.000-05:00

I've REALLY fallen off the bandwagon. I worked so hard for a year to lose 50 pounds and I'm embarassed to say how much of that 50 I've gained back. It's not all of it, but it's enough to make me upset with myself. BUT the good news is that I am not letting myself gain it all back and am getting myself back in the mindset of losing weight and getting healthy.

I joined Weight Watchers online. I think part of my problem with Jenny Craig, was that they never taught me how to eat the food I would normally eat. All of it was frozen food. I'm not knocking it, but when you have eaten the same things for over a year, it gets old. So with the WW online deal, I eat what I want but just keep track of the "points" for each item all day. Tonight I worked on updating my info with the sight. Tomorrow, I will work on mapping out a week's menu that I can stick with. I went and got some groceries tonight that I know (from my experience with Jenny Craig) are good things to have in stock when you are trying to lose weight.

Wednesday's goal is to hit the gym and go to Zumba again. Slow and steady steps to get back in the groove of sticking to eating healthy and working out. I reset my ticker to go along with the suggested small goals on WW online, so I'm focusing on 12 pounds to start with. I have my weigh in days set for Fridays b/c I usually do better during the week and feel it's more accurate. I'm also going to look up some 5ks to set as goals to work toward in my workouts.

I'm ready! I'm set! Here I go!

Finally, some answers!

2010-07-13T21:36:00.000-05:00

So, I went to the doctor today to talk to the pulmonologist about the nodule (spot) that was found on my lung. He was a super great doctor. He told me that he's not overly concerned about the nodule. That it is very common in people who grew up in Middle Tennessee because of the stuff in the environment and the air around here. He does want me to go get a chest CT to compare it and then go back in another 6 months from then to get another CT and if the nodule hasn't changed then I'm good to go. But he made me feel good about it.

The BEST news was he told me why my side hurts! This is the mystery that my other idiotic, uncaring doctor has been unable to answer for 3 months. He asked me what brought me to him and I went through the story and he asked me to show him where it hurts. As soon as I pointed to it, he touched where it hurts and told me what it was. He even drew a picture to describe it. Basically, the muscles that touch your ribcage are layered over each other like a woven basket. And he said the big long medical term for whatever it is, but pretty much he said that those muscles are irritated/inflamed and that's why it hurts all the time because it can't heal it. So he told me what to do ease the pain and said once that happens, it should be better. Wooo hoo!

Wedding thoughts

2010-07-11T22:12:00.000-05:00

Woo hoo! I'm blogging again!

So, my current thought is about weddings. I helped my cousin's wife photograph a wedding this weekend. I had a blast helping and enjoyed going to the wedding and reception. I actually like going to weddings and seeing how different, unique and couple centered they are. I LOVE when a wedding and reception is a complete reflection of the couple and what they like and what their personalities are like. I've been to a lot of memorable and great weddings.

But then I started thinking about all of the weddings I've attended and been in.. A wedding is about two people become one (cliche' but you get my meaning). But how much time do the "2 become 1" actually spend together on "their" day. First, they each spend all day getting ready with their friends (not seeing each other). Then there's the wedding where they get to see each other for the first time. (Maybe 20 minutes). Then immediately after the wedding they'll take pictures together and with family. (Maybe another 30 minutes). Then they hit the reception together to cut the cake. (10 minutes). After they cut the cake, they disperse to meet and greet the people that came to see "them" on "their" special day. So, so far, on "their" day, they've spent an hour together. The whole shindig is about them, but they aren't even together. So then, depending on how long the reception is, they won't get to celebrate until later in the evening/night.

Now, I am not against weddings and I'm not saying anything bad against people who have weddings because everyone likes different things. And I love being privileged enough to be invited or asked to be in weddings. So please don't take anything I say to heart or in offense.

Maybe I say this because I know if I ever got married, I'd be the one paying for it since I'm "past my prime", so to speak in the South .But over the last 28 years of attending and being in weddings, I've pretty much decided I don't want a "wedding." For my personal feelings, I cannot justify spending boo coos of money on a 20 minute memory. The whole point in a wedding is that you are getting married. I want that to mean more than stressful planning and money spending. I'd be happy wearing overalls and flip flops instead of a big elaborate dress I'll only wear once in my life.

IF I ever get married, I don't want to have a big, elaborate wedding ceremony. I'd be completely happy having my immediate family stand there at the courthouse to witness me getting hitched in the morning (because you gotta have witnesses), spending the day with my hubby (because it's "our" day), and THEN having a HUGE reception that night with everyone who wants to celebrate our marriage (not our wedding).

Maybe I've just become cynical, but that is what would make my "wedding" day most like me and what I like: private and intimate focusing on the most important thing (marriage) and super fun and exciting and happy celebrating two people who are completely in love with each other and starting the rest of their lives as 1 (the reception).

This pain in my side has become a pain in the butt

2010-07-01T22:19:00.001-05:00

Almost 3 months ago, I woke up nauseous with my left side hurting right under my rib cage. I also could feel a bulge. It hurt bad enough and I felt sick enough that I had my dad get me an doctor's appointment first thing Monday. I went and the doctor was clueless. She had blood work, an x-ray, and an ultrasound scheduled and gave me some Pepcid to see if it would help. Nothing helped and all of the tests came back normal.

I went back 3 weeks later for a check up and it wasn't any better. She gave me 800 mg Ibuprofen to see if that would help and told me to come back in a month. It didn't do anything to help. Nothing makes it feel better. I went back a month later and she scheduled a CT on my side, all the while saying that she doesn't think it'll show anything.

I had a CT on June 21 where I had to drink nasty barium sulphate and have an IV with dye in it. The technician told me that the doctor would have the results within a day and if I didn't hear from the soon to call them. I finally called them yesterday and when they didn't call me with my results, I called them back today. They had my doctor call me with the results. This is where my OMG, I'm scaredness began.

She said that the CT showed that I had evidence of having diverticulitis/diverticulosis. She said it looked like I have scarring where I've had it, but it's fine. She said she doesn't think this is why my side has been hurting. I hear this and think, ok, not the best, but it's ok. I'm not freaking out.

Then she said the CT also shows that I have a small hiatal hernia. I think, ok, a hernia, I figured. I'm still not freaking out. Just glad to know I haven't been making up ailments that she obviously thinks I'm lying about. I looked up hiatal hernias and I DEFINITELY have one. It explains the excessive belching and burping I have, the hiccups after I eat, and the acid reflux I have. Starting now, I am on a strict diet. I am giving up cokes of all kinds. It's something you can live with, but to ease the symptoms of it you (and when I say you, I mean I) need to lose weight, stop drinking and eating acidic foods, etc. BTW she also said she doesnt think this is why my side has been hurting.

Now here is where the OMG, I'm scaredness begins. She tells me not to panic because CT scans have become so advanced that they are able to find the smallest things now and it's probably nothing, BUT my CT showed a 1 centimeter pulmonary nodule. "I'm sorry, excuse me, what does that mean?" I ask. She says that it's a spot on my lung and more often than not they are benign, but that she is referring me to a pulmonologist who will monitor it, check it out, and see if it's something that needs attention.

First of all, ANYTHING that shouldnt be in my body but is in my body needs attention! Second of all, why the bleepedy bleep did you not call me a week ago when you had the results!?!?! I know you had the results! This has been going on for 3 months!!!!!! I know there are worse things that happen to other people, but this is happening to me and right now I'm just freaking out. I looked up what it means and everything I read is not good to me because I freak out when I read anything that says malignant. So, I'm not letting myself look up anything else until I see the doctor on the 13th. Surely it's nothing BUT like I said anything that shouldn't be there doesn't make me a happy person.

P.S. She also doesn't think this is why my side hurts. So basically, I'm finding a new doctor.
Deep breaths and prayer! That's what I'm sticking to until I know more.

Dear Mr. Heimlich, Thank you for your Maneuver!

2010-05-16T21:35:00.000-05:00

My dad and I went to Cracker Barrel last night to have dinner. We were both almost finished eating and I was telling him about a story I saw on the news about Belle Meade Mansion as he was taking the last bite of food from his plate. For some reason, which I still can't remember, I looked at him and he had this really weird look on his face. I stopped mid-sentence of my story and asked him if he was ok. He shook his head hard that he wasn't. So I asked if he was choking and he shook his head yes.

Now, my Daddy is my Daddy. And we all know that nothing bad ever happens to MY Daddy because everyone knows that my Daddy is invincible. There are no words to describe the panicked look my dad had on his face. You could tell he was serious by the look in his eyes. He was worried.

As soon as he shook his head that he was choking, I was out of my seat, yanking him out of his seat. I wrapped my arms around him to start the Heimlich. My dad is a good 6 inches taller than me, so I misplaced my hands at first, but he slid them up where they should be and I started the Heimlich. I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to do it and help him. I started the Heimlich, I probably pumped 5 times before it dislodged the food. After the 3rd pump, I screamed for someone to help us because everyone was just staring. The manager literally just stood in front of the fireplace with his mouth gapped open watching us.

Thankfully, the food came out. As soon as it did, my dad sat back down and drank some tea. He is extremely shy and hates to have attention on him, so just having to stand up for him to have the Heimlich performed was torture enough on him. What had happened was that he took a bite of fish and bite of cornbread. The cornbread was very dry and got stuck along with the fish in his throat.

Now, I am a nervous wreck kind of person. So as soon as I knew my Daddy was ok, I went to sit back down. I immediately started crying before I even sat down. I also was shaking so bad I couldn't even hold a napkin to wipe my eyes with. So, what did I do? I started laughing. Why? Because in the face of scary situations or sad situations, I laugh to try to keep from crying. I kept asking him if he was ok because his color in his face was a greyish color, but it eventually went back to normal. And of course, he acted like nothing had ever happened because that's my Daddy and he doesn't dwell on anything.

It really was the scariest thing I have ever had to be involved in. I also hope it NEVER happens again with anyone I know. I'm glad I knew what to do and had the instinct to do it immediately without thinking, but I sincerely hope I never have to be in a life or death situation like that again.

I'm a Big Fish

2010-04-27T23:11:00.000-05:00

So, it's 10:45 pm and I should be asleep. I went to bed 45 minutes ago because I have bus duty this week, which means getting up earlier to be at school earlier, but, of course, my brain is in overdrive and won't shut off, so maybe the best way to help it shut down for the night is to blog out some thoughts. (Wow, what a run-on sentence!)

Anywho, as I lay in my bed for 45 minutes thinking tonight, I have come to the conclusion that I am an unsettled person. What do I mean by this? Well, as much as I have always thought that I am pretty settled in the things I want and the things I do in life, I'm just not a settled/settling down kind of person. Really the only constant thing I always seem to need is change. I realized in my ponderings tonight that for over half of my life now, I have not been "settled" into one place (town/house/living arrangement) for longer than 4 years at a time.

Let me explain my thought process, I began with now and worked backwards.

I have been considering a move for a few months now. I won't go into much detail about this except to say that I have updated my resume, written a cover letter, and been looking at houses and apartments online to get idea. In my internal debate about this decision, I have realized that I tend to associate myself with and relate to the idea of the movie "Big Fish" that I am a "big fish" who always needs a contstant flow and change of water to survive. I can't survive in a small pond that keeps me from realizing my potential as a person.

So this thought brought me to the thought about how I crave changes. I don't like things to stay the same all the time. I like to be sporadic and spontaneous. I like to go with the flow and just see where the wind blows me. I'm a dreamer, and I dream of big adventures, not living the movie "Groundhogs Day" where it's the same thing over and over and over and over and over.....

This made me realize that I have been this way my entire life. Always dreaming big. I remember when I was little that I wanted to be an actress because you always got to play different roles and were never the same character. I used to lay in bed at night and write and act out dialogue pretending different scenes. Of course most of them were of me in a hospital b/c I was laid up in the bed, but my point is I was always "dreaming".

This led me to think about my struggle to figure myself out. Obviously from my blog, this has been a constant debate with myself of who I am and what I want and what I want to do in life, etc. I'm always wondering and worrying that I'm not myself. But I realized, that, yeh, I am. I'm just a "big fish" always in need of new and different and exciting things. Changes. Maybe that makes me weird, being a person who always needs change but that's who I am. I know a lot of people are afraid of change and don't like it, but maybe because I've never known any different, it's like breath for me.

I realize even now in my thoughts about the new changes hopefully coming in my life, that those won't be forever either. When I get to the end of my life, I truly want to be able to look back and feel satisfied that I did what I wanted to do, I lived life for everything it had to offer me, and that I made a difference along the way. Maybe at some point, I'll find something/someone that makes me feel settled. Or maybe I'll find someone who is just like me. One of my favorite quotes is from "Sex and the City". It says, “Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.” I think this quote epitomizes me.

Thanks for supporting this "Big Fish".

Sorry it's been so long

2010-04-21T21:54:00.000-05:00

I dont know where the time seems to go. I mean, lately when I've been at work it draaaaagggssss by, but im looking on here and realize it's been way over a month since I wrote anything and omg, I don't know why. You know me I always have a lot to say.

Anywho, I have successfully quit worrying about my weight so much. Honestly, it's a relief. I love myself. I like myself. Do I want to be chunky with fat rolls? No, but am I still a happy person? Yes! Do I care what others think? Not so much. If you don't love me for my personality, then you don't love me. Period.

Part of my not so upsettedness about not working out so much is because I have been having a bad pain in my left side with nausea. I went to the doctor and everything (that means I'm really in a lot of pain b/c I NEVER go to the doctor). They did bloodwork and xrays. They called and said those were fine. I had an ultrasound done on Friday, but still haven't heard the official results from them. The ultrasound guy said he didnt see anything, but I want to know what the dr. says.

So with that being said, I haven't been able to work out much. :( And because I'm still having the pain, I've decided I don't feel it would be smart to do the Country Music Half Marathon.....That makes me sad but there's always next year. I'm hoping I'll be good to go for my monthly 5k in May. I'm looking at doing Ellie's Run for Africa on May 22. Who wants to join?

2010-03-10T20:05:00.000-06:00

I have become consumed by my weight. I mean, before (when I was super fat) it was not constantly on my mind, but now it seems to be all I think of. I find myself obsessed with looking in a mirror, turning sideways to see how big my fat rolls look that day, and then flattening the fat roll to see what it might look like one day if the fat roll was gone.

I hate being this way. This is part of the not me feeling I feel I am having. I was never obsessed with how I looked until I lost weight. Now, it's like it's not enough. I always said I was losing weight to get healthy, looks weren't important, but somewhere along the way looks have become a part of it. Somedays I look at myself and see the super fat version of me before I lost any weight. Somedays I see the real version, and then somedays I see the future version of me (the nice and skinny person).

I was thinking today about what will satisfy me in thinking I am skinny. Two major things came to mind: #1- I wouldn't have a fat roll (I'm talking like you can't grab or pinch the middle of my torso at all) and #2 - my thighs wouldnt touch each other ever unless I cross my legs.

Then another thought came to me tonight when I was outside. When I started losing weight my goal was to get healthy...what if I am healthy now? I mean, I know that having fat on you isn't great for you, but I don't feel like I'm just screaming future heart attack. I feel healthy on the inside and out whether I look it or not. I have great blood pressure, heart rate, cholesterol, etc. So, then is losing more weight about health or looks....UGH! I think way too much about things.

Another problem I have is eating (obviously since I'm Phatty McPhatterson). Anyways, I can do really really good all day until I leave school. It's like part of my routine and habit to have small portions and healthy food for breakfast, snack, and lunch. And I drink over half of your daily suggested amount of water while I'm at school. But then, 3:30 comes and I head home and it's TERRIBLE! My problem is that there is nothing that I want to eat that I feel would satisfy me. I don't want to eat dinner because nothing appeals to me, so I wind up eating things I don't want. And still none of it tastes good. I wind up throwing most of it away, BUT I'm still not losing weight.

:(

Goals

2010-03-09T23:02:00.000-06:00

I changed my weight loss ticker. I decided to set a more realistic goal weight for myself. I've never been skinny, so I have no idea what my best weight will be (other than not fat). So, I figured I'd see what I think of myself at the new goal weight and then readjust if I think a couple more pounds off would be better.

That said, I think I have come up with some incentives and mini goals for myself.
Mini Goal #1: to see a 1 as the beginning number of my weight by April 13 (my birthday)
Incentive for Mini Goal #1: the new camera lense I've been saving up for. I've decided not to let myself buy it until I see the 1....and I really want it for my birthday so there I go

Mini Goal #2: to lose a total of 25 pounds by the end of May.
Incentive for Mini Goal #2: don't have one yet...give me some ideas

Big Goal #3: to reach my goal weight and evaluate how great I look and if I need to lose more
Incentive for Big Goal: if the "girls" haven't shrunk enough to not make me look like a tree with two huge beehives hanging from the top, they are getting reduced. My back and neck can't handle the weight anymore, but I don't want to have it done until I'm smaller, so they don't wind up looking funky if I lose more weight.

So, I'm going to weigh tomorrow and see if I've lost any more weight. I've been doing really good the past couple of days eating and exercising the way I should, so hopefully I can update my weightloss ticker again tomorrow.

Weight Woes and a Moral

2010-03-02T20:34:00.000-06:00

I've been reading some of my friends' blogs and I find it interesting that we all seem to be on the same wagon (the weight-loss wagon), kind of like on Oregon Trail. It seems like right now we are all forging the river (Weight River) and our covered wagon has tipped over and we've fallen out.

I've not been doing so well on the getting healthy business. I haven't been watching what I eat (unless you count watching it go from my plate to my mouth). I haven't worked out since.....ummmm.....I think last Tuesday, no maybe it was Monday....I can't remember. Anyways, it's so funny how you can be going along so well, and you decide you'll take ONE day off of working out, and that leads to a week off. And while on hiatus from working out, you decide you'll eat a bowl of ice cream, which, over the course of the week, turns into a whole carton of ice cream.

It's so easy to swim down that Weight River when you've fallen out of the comfy covered wagon instead of immediately getting out of the water, drying off, and forging ahead on our journey to lose weight. BUT, eventually your skin turns pruney (or stretched out from fat) and you have to get out and get back on the trail. SO, I've been getting back into eating better. Much better healthier lunches, lots more water. I am heading back to the gym tomorrow. I can get over this hump and get back in a routine. I can and I will!

On a sweet note, today for Read Across America week, we dressed up as favorite Dr. Seuss characters. I dressed up as Gertrude McFuzz because all I had to do was run some feather boas through my belt loops as a feather tail. For anyone who hasn't read her story, Gertrude McFuzz is a bird who only has one tail feather and is jealous of another bird who has two. So she takes some magic pill berry and grows an extra feather, then she eats more and more of the pill berries and has this big, beautiful long tail. But the problem is it's way too much for her and she can't move.

I've taught my kids that most of Dr. Seuss' stories have a moral. I asked them what they thought the moral of the story was and they all decided that it was that you should be happy with yourself the way you are and to not worry about what someone else has. I mean, these are some smart kiddos! Talk about throwing water in your face to wake you up to your own situation. When I picked Gertrude to dress up as, I never really thought about her story, but hearing an innocent 7 and 8 year old tell you to just be happy being yourself....wow! How can you not listen? So, I obviously need to look past what I was writing last night (the previous whiney blog) and just be happy with me as me and not worry about what other people have that I wish I had.

Yeh, ok, time to drink some water.

Where did I go?

2010-03-02T20:06:00.000-06:00

I'm having a really hard time. I don't feel like myself anymore. I haven't felt that way for a long time. I really can't tell whether I'm just not feeling like my true self, or if I have changed into someone different. I feel like, normally, I am a genuinely happy person, but lately I feel like the saddest person in the world. Yes, there are many things in my life that make me happy and events that have occured that I am happy about. I am happy for my friends and family who have had great life changes over the past year. But at the same time I feel sorry for myself. And that is just not the me I've always known.

I dont know what has changed to make me feel this way. I dont know if it's just a part of growing up and getting older and feeling more responsibility and stuff, but I don't like it. I don't like the person I am right now. I'm not happy with the way things are going for myself. I am very pessimistic about my own situations, whereas I used to be a very optimistic person. I am doing nothing and have nothing right now that I thought I would have at this point in my life and that bothers me. I have always wanted a husband and kids more than anything. I pray for them all the time. Of course, these things that I want are beyond my own control, but it's frustrating just the same.

What's even more frustrating is when I try to talk about these feelings and wants and all anyone can say is "your time will come. Someone is out there for you and you'll meet and get married and have babies, and blah blah blah." Really? How do you know? Did God come to you and tell you this? Did you talk in person and He told you that he's sending me someone? Did he give you a ballpark figure about when that is? That's what I want to say to them, but I'm too nice a person to say it to their face when someone says that because I know they are just trying to make me feel better. But really, it's just a false sense of hope for me. It's like telling a kid that Santa and the Tooth Fairy are real for them to only find out when they are in 3rd grade that it was all a big, fat lie. And honestly, I've gotten to the point where I just don't believe it anymore.

I think these issues are part of my weight problem. Well, I know they are and always have been. I think about these things, it makes me sad, which leads me to try to find comfort in food that is not good for me. That's what I've always done. And the sadder I am about not having what I want, the fatter I get which definitely does not help attract a husband. I can't believe I'm even writing about this, but I really feel this is the issue holds me back from losing weight. And I know that it really is all part of my own mentality about the situations. I'm just being a whiney baby who isn't getting her way.

Oh well, there are always people with worse problems than my own. I am very thankful for the things I do have and the wonderful people I have in my life. I'm just having a funky kind of day.

Just call me Shredder

2010-02-17T20:25:00.000-06:00

Haha! So, I got the Jillian Michael's 30 day Shred. The idea is that you do this tape every day for 30 days and you could lose up to 20 pounds. When I bought it, I thought yeh right, but let me tell you what. OMG!!! All it is is a 20 minute NON STOP work out. There are three levels that you build up to.You do a warm up, three 6 minute circuits, that include strength training, cardio, and abs, and then a short cool down. My legs are immediately like Jello while doing the tape and then they feel like they are on fire. But it's a good hurt.

I did it on Monday and today. I plan on really sticking with it and doing it every day for 30 days to see what kind of results I can get. It goes by really quickly, which is always great. So we'll see how much I can "shred" in 30 days from today! If I just get 10 pounds, I'll be happy.

Also, I went to the gym today to work out on the treadmill. I thought I would give some running a try because, you know, normally "this" don't run. So I get there and find a nice cozy treadmill in the back hall where no one is, so there can't be any witnesses to the disaster I'm sure it's going to be. BUT I DID IT!!! I walked 1/4 mile, then ran a 1/2 mile, then walked 1/4 mile, then ran ANOTHER 1/2 MILE!!! For a total of a whole mile that I ran!!!!! I could have kept running I feel like, but didn't want to push it and decided that I'll just build up to it.

So, yay me!

Failure is NOT an option!

2010-02-10T14:50:00.000-06:00

I'm still thinking of what I want to say about why I've let myself get so fat. The thing is that I just don't know how to put it into words. When I think about why, all I can think about is how comforting food has been. When you have no control over things, you have control over what you put in your mouth. And when you are the one in control, you put what comforts you, tastes good, feels good in your mouth. Obviously I did that. Although the control stops there because then it's a free for all and I just don't stop eating.

So, anyways. I'm still working on it. Thinking about it. Figuring it all out.

Today, we were out of school AGAIN! I am soooo ready for warmer weather it's not even funny. I have ALWAYS disliked Winter because I don't like the cold, but this winter has been really annoying with all of the snow and being trapped at the house. But being home has allowed me to watch Celebrity Fit Club and the trainer just said something I thought was great.

They were having to complete an obstacle course and one of the participants was the only one to reach the top of this contraption. The trainer asked him why and the contestant said because he thought they had to. The trainer said that that was a great way to look at because everyone else let quitting be an option, but that one dude didnt and that's why he succeeded. So, FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION FOR ME!!!!

Which is why I went to the gym today and walked for 40 minutes. I want to be able to walk and not jiggle. I want to get to the point where I can run a whole 5k without stopping. I want to know what I look like in a healthy body. However long it takes to get to those points is fine with me, as long as I get there. And I will get there because failure is not an option for me

Disgusted

2010-02-03T21:17:00.000-06:00

So I added this new ticker at the top of my blog. I like it. I like the quote it has. At first, I had my starting weight as my weight at the beginning of January when I started back on my "journey." But then I thought, I have worked hard just to get to this point. I've made a lot of changes already, so I want to see the difference from the very beginning of my journey (what I like to call when I was Super Fat) until I reach my goal weight.

Now, when I did this I didnt realize that it would list exactly how much weight I will lose from my super fat starting point to my healthy weight, but OMG!!!! That's a whole person!!! When I reach my goal I will have lost a whole person!!!! That disgusts me! I mean, like I am sick with myself that I EVER let myself go to the point where I weigh a whole extra person! And so far I've lost almost 43 pounds. It was 50 pounds, but when I quit Jenny Craig I gained some back from not using what I knew to stay on track. But 43 pounds!! That is the size of some of the kids in my room. I mean REALLY! I have already lost a small child!

All I can do is ask myself why.Why did I ever let myself get to that point? I've heard someone say, or I read it somewhere before, that the only way to get over what holds you back from losing weight is to confront what has happened to you up to that point and WHY you let it affect you enough to get you to where you are now. So, I am ask myself, "Why?" I'm going to have to ponder this question before I answer it. Because when I figure it out, I will deal with it, get over it, and move past it so that I NEVER weigh a whole extra adult person again!

Aggravation!!!!

2010-02-01T14:01:00.001-06:00

Me thinking I don't look THAT fat anymore.

Me excited about my skinny calves.

And I'm not talking about the game. I'm talking about losing weight! I'm so irritated!!!! In two weeks, I have lost 1 pound. ONE POUND!!!!!!! Sometimes, I think that there must be some huge growth inside of me that weighs about 50 pounds and one day we are going to find it and I'll instantly be skinny once we remove it.

I have worked out at least 11 out of the past 14 days. I drink water constantly, eat fruits, veggies, count calories, Aunt Flo is not visiting. So I dont know what else to do to lose another pound! UGH!!!!

Today is the first day of the month, so I took my measurements. I lost one inch here, 1/2 inch there, for a total of 5 1/2 inches overall (this is measuring bust, waist, hips, arms, thighs). So yay for that, but good golly Miss Molly I want to see a 1 on the that scale!

The biggest part of my motivation is to be healthy. A small part is to look good. Now, I say small because I think I'm pretty awesome AS IS. I know that shouldn't mean anything to me but it does because for just once in my life I want to know what it's like to be in love and be loved. I know I'm loved by my family and friends, but you know what I mean. I know men shop by looks. I mean, I'm sure we all do to some degree, but I am not a dog! Or maybe I have a magic mirror and I see something better than what other people see. Who knows.....haha

I'm almost to the point where I dont give a crap anymore. Obviously I'm never going to be the size of "normal" people. And no matter how many crunches I do or how hard I work on having a flat stomach, I'm going to have a fat roll around my middle for the rest of my life I'm sure. And you know, I'm ok with that for me as long as I'm healthy. I don't even know what I'm wanting to say in this blog any more, soooooo. I guess I'll go sort some more thoughts and blog again later.

Oh yeh, I also made the mistake of looking on the Channel 4 website and they have finally posted the Subway Get Fit Challenge Finalists and their blogs and it aggravated me that I wasnt chosen. As with most things in my life, I was so close to achieving what I wanted and then let down. I think my problem is I have been unable to get out of my house for 4 days straight.......AAGGGHHHHH!!!

44:47

2010-01-25T21:43:00.002-06:00

I ran in the Zoo Run Run on Saturday. My goal was to beat my previous 5ks. There were over 2000 people there to run/walk. I chose not to do Chip Timing, so I just used my super awesome watch my sister got me for Christmas.

They told us if we weren't being timed and walking, to be in a different lane. Long story short, I didn't want to wait forever to get started, so I stood with Keri (who is a runner). Anyways, the race started and I told her I would start of running with her if I had to because everyone else was. To my great amazement and surprise, I actually was able to run!!!! Grant it, the running lasted about 3 minutes before I thought I would die, but I ran!!!! With my sister!!!!! I was shocked, excited, happy, and out of breath all at the same moment.

So, anyways, I came to mile 1, looked at my watch and it said 14:30. Woo hoo! Get to Mile 2, and it says 29:00. Yippee! Get to Mile 3 and it says 41:30!!!! At this point, I was darned and determined I would finish the last tenth of a mile before my watch said 45 minutes. So, I sprinted and got my awesome time of 44 minutes 47 seconds!!!! And I felt great!!! I did wind up running little sprints throughout the rest of the race to help me have a good time, but for me, it was just the simple fact that I was able to run and it felt good!

We weighed today for our Biggest Loser competition at work. I lost one pound. Now, while it's not as much as I thought I would lose, I'm still happy with it. One is better than none. So, now I'm buckling down more and making sure to lose a couple or three more this week. Water, vitamins, working out, eating right.....that should do it!

One, Tubby Tubby! Two, Tubby Tubby!

2010-01-21T19:56:00.002-06:00

So tonight, one of my most favorite movies ever is on t.v. "Major Payne." That's where the title of this blog comes from, just because I think it's hilarious.

Anyways, I went to the gym after work again today. I did a good 30 minutes on the elliptical. Let me tell you, I was sweating up a storm. I am convinced there is a difference in the ellipticals they have there. Today I was on the one I like. I was booking it too. I had my iPod shuffle blasting some upbeat tunes and I was hitting 60 strides per minute! I was psyched about this because it got me to thinking about 4 years ago when I worked at the YMCA and would go work out with my sister. She would hit 60 or 65 strides no problem. I could barely do 45 strides. So to be able to do it for 30 minutes, let alone at all makes me super happy.

Success: Two years ago, you would not find me exercising. Now, it's like a drug. I spend all day thinking about what I want to do for exercise. I plan out my week according to my exercise. Mondays and Wednesdays are Zumba at the gym. Tuesdays and Thursdays are going to be elliptical at the gym. Fridays will probably be walking around White Bluff after school. Saturdays will be 5ks (when I'm signed up for one) and Sundays may be a tape or a day of rest. EVERY day is walking the dogs. And I just ordered The Firm 5 day abs dvd. It's old school, but it works!

Struggle: So, I've got the exercise part down. My biggest struggle is the food. It's just soooo good! It's like I told the people in my interview: I know what I should be eating, but my tastebuds tell me to eat something else. My goal for the year is to work on getting the food part under control. My problem is, I don't want to have to sit and think and plan out all of that. I just want it to be a natural thing. But, like exercising, I know it's a matter of me getting into the habit of healthy eating. I know it will eventually be second nature to me.

Jenny Craig really helped me in learning portion control and got me used to eating breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, and a snack, but I never made it to the point where they really taught me to do it all on my own. You bought the prepacked food and it came with a planned out menu that you just followed. Although a quick fix would be nice, I need a lifestyle change. I need to learn and start following a healthier menu. Time to research

I also think I'm going to start trying at least one new food thing a week, whether it be a vegetable, fruit, dinner, snack, etc. And it's gotta be healthy for me. Ok, now, sugggestions?

Excedrin is my friend

2010-01-20T22:18:00.005-06:00

So, I've had a headache since Saturday. It starts out just a dull, nagging thing. But the past two days they've been pretty bad. I say, pretty bad, any headache is bad for me because I never get them. I also never take any drugs for headaches because I always believe it will just go away. Well, I got one today at school and it got to the point where I felt I would puke. THAT is not fun! I broke down and took some Tylenol. It didn't help.

When I left school, my head was still hurting pretty bad, so I went and got some Excedrin Extra Strength. I checked the ingredients and they are the exact same as Excedrin Migraine. I took it and it helped. Now my ears hurt. So, I'm thinking this weirdo weather is giving me some problems. Needless to say, I didn't go to Zumba tonight. :( I hate to miss, but there is no way my body would have let me move like that for 45 minutes.

I plan to go work out after school again tomorrow. I'll bust a move after we dismiss to get changed and get to the gym faster so I can get a decent machine. I AM going to be skinny this year! Period the end!

On a New Year's Goal note: In another blog I said that my goals for the year are to work on the 5 F's- Faith, Family, Friends, Fitness, and Fun. I feel that so far I am doing a pretty good job on all of them. Tonight, I was thinking of adding Finances to that list of goals too. I worked out a good budget, made a calendar of when things are due, etc. I feel like I am getting on the right track and I'm going to stick with it. It's time to get my life in order! Woo!

I'm going to float away

2010-01-19T20:47:00.002-06:00

So, today I did really good getting my water in. I drank over 96 ounces of water. I would not let myself have a Diet Dr. Pepper for lunch unless I finished my first 32 ounces, so I chugged it on the way out the door. Then I drank another 32 ounces on my way to the gym where I did some time on the elliptical. I can't decide if I like that machine or not. I really REALLY feel it when I do it, but some days it feels comfy and some days (like today) it makes my lower back hurt. After I left there, I drank another 32 ounces of water.

So, it's a good 30 minute drive to get home from the gym. I had 96 ounces of water chilling inside me by this point. I was in tears by the time I got home because I had to go soooo bad! My dad had taken the dogs walking, so I changed shoes and literally ran out the road to meet them. So that added another mile and a half to my already 30 minutes on the elliptical. I was feeling good too. Until I realized we had another 10 or so minutes to walk back home and the water was making me cry again.

So, drinking the water makes me feel good and refreshed. But there is a side effect to drinking that much, LOTS of running to the potty.

I wore my Sketcher's Shape Up shoes today and OMG my rear-end and thighs are feeling it! I hope it does "shape me up" haha. We also started the Biggest Loser contest at work. We all had our initial weigh in on the magic scales. I say magic because I weighed myself this morning at home right before I got in the shower (if you catch my drift) and I weighed the exact same as I did on the magic scales fully clothes with my Shape-Ups on. :) We are doing the contest until March 29th and I plan on doing really good.

My personal goal is to lose at least 30 pounds before my birthday. That's definitely feasible. I'm hoping for a nice incentive with that one ;) hehe.

Oh well....

2010-01-18T22:53:00.004-06:00

Well folks, I didn't get chosen as one of the top 10 finalists. I got an email this afternoon thanking me for coming in for the interview, but telling me that I was not a finalist. They appreciated all of my effort and time and encouraged me to apply again for the Challenge Season #2.

Now, even though I really didn't expect to get chosen after my interview the other day, I was still kinda bummed about it mostly because it was just such an exciting thought to get to do something so many people would see. But, I'm really ok with it. I mean, it's not like I lost something because I never had it.

I half wanted to email back thanking them for at least picking me as a semi-finalist but telling them there would be no need for me to apply for Season #2 because I don't plan on being fat when that time comes around. All of the people I talked to were so encouraging to me about it and I just love you guys for it. My parents both told me it's because I wasn't big enough and they were probably looking more for the Biggest Loser kind of people. Everyone told me I should keep up this blog and still do it myself.

So, even though I was not chosen, I am going to Challenge myself. I'm going to carry on just as if I had been chosen and work my butt off (literally!). Tomorrow I'm going to weigh myself and that will be my offical weigh in day. From that point, the numbers are only allowed to go down! I'm going to set mini goals for myself, figure out incentives to help me along the way, and map out a plan for exercising and eating. I'm going to blog all about it on here. I'm going to hope that all of you keep me accountable for my actions in my own personal challenge. I also encourage you and hope that you will join me in this effort to get fit and healthy.

There's no more room for excuses about this for me. It's Now or Never and I don't accept Never as an option!

THE Interview

2010-01-17T20:46:00.005-06:00

So I had the interview. As I was driving into the WSMV studios, I had to take pictures of the entrance. I saw the plaque for Dan Miller and got a little teary. I loved that guy. I was so excited that I'm sure if there were cameras on the drive up to the station they captured me grinning, squealing, and hopping up and down in my car.

Being from Dickson, it is in my blood to show up early for most everything, especially super important things to me. My interview was at 3:00, so I showed up at 2:20. I was paranoid that I would be late. It was really neat because I was able to see the studio where they film the news.

I'm not really sure how I feel the interview went. I am always a lot harder on myself about things, so of course in my head I could have done a lot better. I felt that I rambled and talked way too fast. Sometimes I forgot what they asked in the middle of my answer, so I would get flustered and just keep talking. There were 6 people in the room asking questions. They filmed it too.

At this point, I honestly don't remember what all they asked. It was one of those experiences where you are there, but not really. I do remember making them laugh at one part. They asked me what I felt the hardest thing about losing weight was and I said the food. They asked me why and I told them that in my mind I know what I should be eating, but my taste buds tell me something completely different.

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY, hope I get to be a finalist. I think it will be sooooo fun! I told them that I also feel being accountable to so many people other than myself will help me be successful. I mean, if everyone in Middle Tennessee knows that I'm trying to get fit, I will definitely be less likely to sneak to the store to buy a candy bar if they may be someone there who is following my on my blog.

So anyways, the big reveal is tomorrow. They will call me if I am chosen. So, HOPEFULLY, I will be one of the lucky 10 out of 15 who get to be a finalist. And if I am chosen, you best believe I will be letting you know!

Motivation

2010-01-13T21:04:00.003-06:00

I have been overwhelmed by all of the encouragement and support by everyone! I just have to say how much I love you guys! I really hope that I get chosen as a finalist for the Challenge.

I think actually telling people about it has really gotten me even more excited about it than ever. I am more motivated than ever to lose the weight in a healthy way, not just for myself, but also to encourage others to do the same if they are wanting to. Ultimately, everyone has something about themselves that they are not happy about, and usually it is weight. And it just seems like you WANT to accomplish your goals more with people who know how you feel and won't judge you.

That's why I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the Zumba class I go to. First of all the instructor is AWESOME!!! The music is so much fun and just makes you want to move. It goes by so quick! And I'm in there with a bunch of people who there for the same reason as me: to have fun while doing cardio. They dont judge me if my belly or my butt jiggles. They dont laugh if I miss a step. It's just like one big happy family of people working toward a common goal. I really really encourage you to try a Zumba class if there is one near you!

Ok. I will definitely let you know how the interview goes......Pray! Pray! Pray!

OOOOOOMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

2010-01-08T20:59:00.002-06:00

I AM SOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!! Ok, if you read this blog regularly then you know that I submitted an entry for Channel 4's Subway Get Fit Challenge over Christmas break. If you didnt read it, scroll down to the "Phatty McPhatterson" entry and you can read my entry.

So, NEVER in a million years did I think I would hear anything from it because, let's face it, I never get what I want and DEFINITELY never get chosen for things that I want. Well, tonight my dad and I were on our way to the store when my phone rings. I answer it and it's someone from Channel 4 telling me that out of over 150 entries, I have been chosen as one of 15 semi-finalists. I get to go in for an in-person interview and then they are going to pick 10 finalists to compete in the competition!!! I mean, OMG!!!! My dad thought I was going nuts bouncing up and down in the seat because I was so excited!!! And I still am really excited about it!!!

Soooo, PLEASE keep me in your thoughts as I go for the interview. I feel that this is an awesome opportunity to: 1. lose weight and get fit in a healthy way; 2. share my journey with others who may need a "role model" for healthy weightloss; 3. motivate others to want to get healthy.

If I get chosen as one of the ten finalists, I will definitely let you guys know!!!!

Hello muscles!

2010-01-07T20:22:00.003-06:00

We were out of school today for the threat of snow and then it did finally actually snow. I wanted to go to the gym this morning, but was too afraid to get caught on the road in case it was messy. BUT I must say I was very proud of myself because I did one of my dvds to get some exercise in and OMG!!! Did you know you have muscles in your butt and the back of your thighs?!?! Well, mine apparently decided to show up after my work out! Whew! I am feeling it! Surely, if I keep up that work out I will have the best looking rear end in Tennessee, ok maybe just Dickson, ok ok, maybe just on my road. haha!

We are out of school again tomorrow because of the snow! So, now I'm wondering which dvd I want to do tomorrow. I guess working out is better than pigging out in front of the tv, right?

By the way, I weighed myself this morning because I was feeling leaner than when I weighed Monday. I don't know what the deal is/was, but I was 4 pounds lighter this morning than my initial weigh in, which made me feel better. I mean, I have drank a lot of water and worked out every day really hard. Not sure if those are the only factors in losing 4 pounds in 4 days, but I'll take it and stay motivated to continue doing those things.

EEEEKKK!!!!

2010-01-04T21:38:00.005-06:00

I did it. I got on the scale and cringed and shed a tear at the number. So, apparently the holidays got to me. Makes me sad, BUT it's more motivation because I REFUSE to see that number ever again, EVER! I also took my measurements. Again, there were screams of fury (ok, not really, but some UGHs!!! were heard in my house). Before I went to Zumba tonight, I made my dad take my new before pictures. Like I said last night, THIS is my new starting point and I want some Before pictures to be able to look back on in a month or two and say, "Wow! Yay! I look better and feel better!"

Side view of Phatty McPhatterson. Ugh! Go away belly! That is obviously my problem area! (My dog felt the need to get in the picture too)
Front view of Phatty McPhatterson. Better than 50 pounds ago, but still needs some work. That's ok, I'm working on it. (Again, the dog likes to be in pictures too.)

I'm seeing a little bit of an extra chin. That is unacceptable! Water bottle here I come! No extra chins!

New Year, New Me! Who wants to join me?

2010-01-03T20:46:00.004-06:00

Last year, I lost 50 pounds. Good bye and good riddance. Now, I still have a ways to go to a good, healthy weight. That is one of my goals for the year: Fitness. Which includes eating healthier, eating less, working out more, and drinking lots of water. The holidays are over, so temptation is gone. I know I have the will power to stick to losing weight because I've already lost a majority of what I need to lose. Everyone else is starting a "New Year's diet" so we can all band together to make each other stick to it.

Tomorrow, I plan to weigh myself for a new beginning weight. I'm not going to include my original start weight because those pounds are gone and not part of this phase of weight loss. I will also measure myself so I can see how many inches I lose. And I'm going to take a beginning picture, which I will post tomorrow.

I know I have a lot of support from all of my family and friends. I even have some wonderful friends who I will be supporting in their weight loss this year and can't wait to reach our goals together! I'm going to shoot for 25 pounds gone by the end of the school year. That is a good healthy amount to lose in that time frame and I feel it is very easy to accomplish and not get discouraged about. Hopefully, I'll lose more than that but won't be disappointed if I don't. The whole point is getting healthy.

One way to continue to encourage myself to work out is another goal for the year: to do at least one 5k each month. I have also signed up to do the Country Music Half Marathon. That gives me 4 months to train for it and my goal is to beat my time from last year. I'd also really like to get to the point where I can run some of it and some of the 5ks.

Here are a list of 5ks I plan to do if you want to join me:

January 23- Zoo Run Run 3 pm
February 6- Fangtastic 5k 10 am
February 13- Cupid's Chase 10 am
March 13- Tom King 5k 7:30 am
March 27- Runnin' to Beat the Blues
April 10- Purity Dairy Moosic City Dairy Dash
April 24- Country Music Half Marathon

Phatty McPhatterson

2009-12-30T20:45:00.002-06:00

This is a picture I sent in to Channel 4 as part of my application for their Subway Get Fit Challenge. They are taking applicants through January 6th and then they will wittle it down to some finalist who will compete in a "Biggest Loser" type competition. Below was my 200 word or less essay about how being overweight has affected my life and why I want to be a part of the challenge. I REALLY hope they pick me!!!

I AM 27 YEARS OLD AND HAVE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND! I’ve never let my weight define who I am, but “The Ugly Truth” is I’ll never attract someone as long as I have a spare tire around my waist. Sure, the guys LOVE my awesome personality, but if I hear I’m just a great friend or I’ll make someone else a wonderful wife one day one more time, I think I’ll scream! I’ve had my fair share of those “Pretty Woman” moments when I’ve been looked down upon in clothing stores because they don’t carry clothes in “size tent.”

I have about 70-80 more pounds I need to lose to be at a healthy weight and I want to get there! I want to be a part of the Get Fit Challenge because I need the motivation of having millions of viewers watch my journey to a healthier me and not wanting to let them or myself down. I’m not afraid to be honest and candid about how hard it is to lose weight and my feelings and thoughts about it, as evidenced in my blog: http://bigphatgirl.blogspot.com/. Fat people live in White Bluff too! PLEASE give me a chance!

It's been a while

2009-11-14T22:06:00.000-06:00

I thought I would do so much better at writing on here than I have. Well, I'm picking it back up. Weight is still a constant battle for me. After really thinking about it for a while, I decided to quit Jenny Craig. I was really getting tired of the food, I was only 1/2 way through my goal, and the financial aspect of it was really draining me.

Now, don't get me wrong, I totally think it is worth it to learn how to be healthier and live a healthier lifestyle. I was just ready to try it on my own. I've done it for a year and just need a change. The good news is I haven't gained any weight, I feel relieved, and I'm a little richer each month because I'm not having to buy the food. The bad news is I dont feel like I have that person holding me responsible each week for how much I've lost, which hasn't been much since I've been on my own. So, maybe blogging on here more often will make me feel like I have someone watching me other than myself to see how I progress.

I feel like I've been mixed up lately. I don't feel like my thoughts are my own sometimes. I guess I mean, like the person I used to be. Of course, how could they? I'm not the same person I was 50 pounds ago and sometimes I dont know if I even know the person I am now. Right before I quit Jenny Craig, I started feeling like I was becoming the person I said I did not want to become. I actually started worrying what people think of me in terms of how I look. Rather than thinking about how amazing and wonderful a person I am (like I've always done), I started worrying more about how fat everyone who sees me thinks that I am. That is not me! I've never been like that before, EVER! My mom raised me to not worry what others thinks of my outside because the inside is what matters.

So, why do I care now? There are days I feel like I am the size of a toothpick (which I know is not true) and then there are days where I feel like I am that super fat girl I was 50 pounds ago and all of the weight is back on me and I'm the size of a Macy's Thanksgiving balloon (which I also know is not true because I'm wearing a size 14 compared to the size 20 I was so there is tangible evidence proving this wrong). But these irrational thoughts won't leave my head. I wish they would. I started Jenny Craig because I wanted to get healthy, not because I wanted to be the hottest thing in the room. So, why do I care now?

But all I can do is keep working on being healthy and losing another 50 pounds or more. I'm watching what I eat, working out (yay for Zumba!), taking my vitamins, and drinking my water.

Gaining a baby and losing some weight!

2009-09-08T20:33:00.000-05:00

August 30, 2009 The day I met my little buddy. I was pumped that he was here and super pumped that I don't look huge here. He can look back and not see a super fat aunt, but an aunt who is healthy and loves him.

September 1, 2009. I liked this picture because even though he is covering my tummy up, I actually look smaller up top in my shoulders and "lady" area.

September 5, 2009. My new man. I heart him! And I'm so glad that when I hold him you can still see mostly him instead of how huge I am because I"m not huge anymore. :)

September 8, 2009. Probably my favorite picture so far. I'm glad I have a jawline that you can see, smaller everything and that I'm holding THE cutest kid in the whole world.

So, I posted my last blog the Saturday night before my sister had the baby. She was due to go in for a c-section on Monday, but her water broke on Sunday instead and now we are so blessed to have the cutest baby in the whole wide world in our lives. He is perfect!

So, when the baby got here, I went into worry mode. Of course I was already worried to death about the whole birth experience for my sis, but when it was all just so quick, it made me more nervous. I turned to candy and gained a pound last week. Apparently I have down the not eating because I'm happy thing, but I am still having problems with eating when I have a super worrisome situation. But I talked to my Jenny consultant about it all, learned from it, moved on and wound up losing 2 pounds this week! Wooo!

So, I spent the weekend with my sis and the new baby. And of course did some shopping :) I really like being able to buy new clothes that are cute and fit and are trendyish. I went to my favorite store and was overwhelmed with the fact that I can shop 3/4ths of the store now with all of the cute stuff instead of just the 1/4th of it for the big girls. I also cried when I tried on this top that has a fitted belt and for the first time really really realized and felt that I was smaller and actually have somewhat of a figure. It's a great feeling. So then I spent the rest of the weekend feeling super skinny and just awesome. hehe

Ok, I kinda feel conceited that I talked a lot about me when there is a baby in the picture now, but I guess since this blog is about me being B.I.G. and P.H.A.T I need to be a little conceited in all my hard work. haha

A Week Worth of Weighting

2009-08-29T22:33:00.000-05:00

Haha. That was a little play on a homophone. We've been patiently waiting for baby Cale to arrive. In the meantime, my emotional eating has come out. I have done horrible staying on my plan. However, I haven't gained any weight, which I don't understand but I'll take it.

I am such a thinker. I think (haha) that is one of my biggest problems. I think about things way too much and I overanalyze everything, which leads to my crazy emotions that I have which leads to indulging in food I shouldn't. The worst part is that I know this and still do it.

So one of the things that I have been thinking about this week is my weight (of course). I had this discussion with my mom, my dad, and my sis. According to my "goal weight," I still have 70 pounds to lose. I told my dad this the other night and he asked me where exactly I would lose the 70 pounds from. Now, I look at myself now and wonder the same thing. I mean, I know I am not skinny, but I also don't see that I'm still 70 pounds overweight either. I talked with my sis about it tonight too and she said the same thing. So, I think I'm going to have to change my goal weight. I mean, I want to be skinny but I don't want to look emaciated either.

It was a great week for compliments too. I appreciate all my friends who said something so nice to me. My dad was the funniest. When we were talking about how much I have left to lose and my new pants that I had on he said, "Girl, you're looking good!" My dad, like me, is very blunt, so I know he meant it.

The last thing that I've been thinking about is what I look like now. I know I've talked about it before, but now that I am smaller than I was, I am way more conscious about if I look fat or not. Someone very honestly told me that my only barrier to getting a guy is my weight. Now, I appreciate their honesty, but I still in my soul believe that is not the only reason. That is just their opinion. I can't believe that every man out there will only be attracted to a woman if she is a bean pole, especially when I see women who are bigger than me with a boyfriend. Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I really believe my personality is attractive enough to outweigh (haha) my weight.

So anyways, again I was talking to my sister and I told her that I really love all the compliments that I get about my weight loss. It definitely makes me feel great about myself. But at the same time, do I really look that good? Or do I just look better than I did? People who knew me 50 pounds ago can say I look great b/c I am smaller looking than I was. But what about people who didn't know me 50 pounds ago? Do they look at me and just think, "wow! here's a very confident, happy chubby girl." I mean I am not gonna kid myself and think that I am a skinny beauty queen by any means, but if someone met me now they would not know that I had worked so hard and lost that weight and that I look better.

So then that makes me think again to the comment that my weight is my barrier. Because yes, a man who has never seen me or met me before would not know that I have lost weight and would only see me as a chubby girl and move on. However, the single men that I know and have known me since I was super fat should know me well enough to know my personality and in my dreamer world should be able to look past the chubby girl I am now and be attracted to the super awesome person that I am that is driven to succeed and get healthy.

I don't know. Just some thoughts I keep tossing back and forth. I promise I am not in a sad mood about it. I understand you can't make someone like you or be attracted to you or love you. I'm not worried about it. And I'm not going to quit being a dreamer and thinking that there are guys out there who don't let the physical look outweigh the personality of a person.

Shrinking and Singledom

2009-08-22T22:18:00.000-05:00

Ok. So I've been fat pretty much my entire life. I know my family and friends love me no matter what, so that gives me confidence. Looking at myself and other "overweight" individuals, I have noticed that many of us have something in common. Humor. When you're fat, you want to take people's minds off of how you look, so you grow a personality that will outshine how big you are. You get to the point where you make fun of yourself before anyone else can so it's not funny if they do it. After 27 years, I think I've become pretty good at this. I also believe I have a great personality. I've made the internal more important than the external (which is a good thing I believe).

However, I am learning that the internal is not what gets you noticed or wanted. It's a sad truth. Even at my largest, I realized what guy would want to be with such a wonderful girl who was the size of a cow? So, now I'm 50 pounds lighter and starting to get a complex. I still have a great personality, and I now sort of have a figure. No, I'm not a stick, but I do look better than I did. However, there's still no guy. Now, to me, this means one of two things. I'm either still too fat for a guy to ever want, or there is something majorly wrong with me that I am completely unaware of.

I don't get it. And I really dont think anyone could ever understand what I mean, what I think, or what I feel about this issue. I absolutely HATE to hear people say that God has a plan and He'll put a man in my life when it's time. To me, that is so easy for people who are married, engaged, or have a significant other to say because they are not in my shoes. I swear, I will NEVER tell a single person that EVER if I am ever a not single person. And no, being with someone is not the most important thing in the world, and it does not define me as a person. However, it is something I want. I want to feel wanted and loved by a man. I want to have a significant other. I want to know what it's like to get a phone call just because or a random note saying hi. I want to have plans on a Friday night. I want to have someone who will hug me at the end of a bad day and just take all of the stress of the day out of me. I want someone who I can share all of this love I have bottled up inside of me waiting to get out.

If you know what I'm missing, let me know. But I please ask that you don't tell me it will happens when it's time and all the other PC things people say because I am honestly to the point of thinking that it will never happen for me. And if it's because I'm still chubby, don't tell me that either, because that will just piss me off that people will be that shallow to know I have a great personality, but since I have a spare tire on my waist, I'm not datable. I think that's a sorry excuse.

Sorry, I'm just ill thinking about it. I'm working hard here to lose weight, get healthy, look better and I guess I just thought it would make things easier

You learn something new every day

2009-08-18T21:37:00.000-05:00

So, Tuesdays are my nights to talk to my Jenny Craig consultant, which means Tuesdays are my weigh in days. Now I've been doing really good staying on my menu, working out, etc. So, imagine my disappointment when I only lost 1/2 a pound this week! I know it was at least a loss and not a gain, but come on!

So when I was talking to my consultant, I told her that I've been sick the past couple of days and havent felt like eating. When I get a cold like this, I feel full the whole time b/c I can't breathe and all the drainage makes me feel gross. All I want to drink is water too. Well, while I was talking to my consultant she asked me if I had been taking a decongestant. I said yes, trying to get rid of this thing. She told me that decongestants cause weight gain. WHAT!!!!! So, bascially I have been taking this for 3 days to get rid of the nasty cold/allergy thing. So, since I'm sick and just because I can, I'm gonna say I really lost more than just 1/2 a pound! haha

Food...ugh!

2009-08-17T21:52:00.000-05:00

My thoughts about food have completely changed. Before (50 pounds ago) I would eat anything and everything to see if I could figure out what I was craving (which was really just an emotional thing). I could and would eat whatever I wanted. If I bought a bag of chips at the store, I would eat every single one in the bag, even if I felt satisfied after a couple of chips. I would eat until I was stuffed and couldn't breathe. And when we would cook supper, my dad would cook enough for about 4 people and we would eat every single bit of it. Now, I blame the clean plate award feeling on Captain D's for that one. Remember when they used to give you a Mickey Mouse sucker if you finished your meal? I think it's a southern thing to eat every single thing on your plate even if you are stuffed. Waste not, want not, right?

I remember a couple of years ago, one of my friends made a comment that life would be so much easier if we didnt have to think about eating or didnt have to eat. Now at the time, I thought that was blasphemy! Not eating!?!? Are you serious!?!?! But a funny thing has happened.....

Since I began Jenny Craig, they teach you to eat until you are satisfied and only to eat because you NEED to, not because you WANT to. I never would have believed that my mentality about food would change, but it has. You pretty much get a schedule of eating breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack to keep your metabolism working all the time to burn off that fat. So, by eating contstantly pretty much, you never feel like you are starving. You eat because you NEED to, not because you are feeling like your stomach will eat your backbone if you don't eat a hamburger right then!

So, I say all of that to say that I now understand why my friend made her comment AND I agree with her. Life would be a lot easier if we didn't have to eat or think about eating. It's so time consuming! And a lot of the time, I dont even want to eat because I really am not hungry at all. I mean, I eat when I'm supposed to and I eat my Jenny meals, but I dont always eat all of it anymore because I just am not hungry. I honestly, NEVER thought that would be something I said, but there ya go. I said it.

And another weird thing. If I am in a restaurant, the smell of food disgusts me. Like I feel like I will vomit if I breathe through my nose. I'm just saying. I think it's kinda weird, but it's what happens. So I went from eating everything in sight to almost being disgusted to see or smell food period!

Thoughts

2009-08-16T22:17:00.000-05:00

I am in a funk today and I was talking to one of my friends and just thinking about things in general. So, here I am. I've lost 50 pounds. I'm looking forward to my next 50 pounds and I'm realizing that while my self-concept has changed, so has my perception. Before I didnt care if people thought I was fat because I knew I was very large. Now I'm losing weight and realizing that there really is a skinny girl inside me somewhere, slowly making her way out and I want people to see that too.

I realize that I am definitely smaller and sort of have a thing called a figure (just a slight one, still got the spare tire around the middle) but now that I realize that I can actually look sort of skinny, I am a lot more aware of trying to make myself look skinny. And I'm actually wondering what people think of how I look now. For example, yesterday I went grocery shopping for my dad. Now, I dont eat regular food other than fruits and veggies for salads b/c I have my Jenny Craig meals, so everything in the cart was for my dad and dogs. The card was overflowing with the stuff he always gets and all I could think of was, "Lord, I hope no one thinks all of this is for me. I wonder what they think of me. They are probably saying, no wonder she looks like that! Look at all the crap she's got in her buggy!" I know that is ridiculous for me to think that, but I did. And if you know me it was a spontaneous, quick stream of those thoughts all together and then it was over.

Another thing that is difficult for me is compliments and people talking about my weight loss. I guess because I dont feel I look as skinny as people make it out to be. I mean, I know I look smaller than I did, but I could still stand to lose 70 pounds according to the chart. I mean, I really truly am flattered and glad when people say something and I'm glad when they do b/c it means they can see a difference. I guess it's just weird b/c people have never really talked about it before. I hope people dont think I'm rude or ungrateful for their comments. I just am not used to them. Like last week, I think on the same day, one person was talking about how thin my face has gotten and then like 30 minutes later another person said I was wasting away to nothing b/c I was so small. Again, I really am flattered, but I'm not THAT skinny.

I dont really remember the point I was trying to make, but anyways. There ya go. :)

Distorted Self Concept

2009-08-15T19:45:00.000-05:00

When I was my fattest (I'm not ashamed to use that word), I had a very distorted self concept. I knew I was fat and even though I knew it, I didnt see it. I never thought I was THAT big. The only times I ever felt THAT fat was when I went shopping for clothes and thought I was one size but really needed a size or 2 bigger. I would get discouraged and just quit shopping.

It's hard to explain, but in my mind, I felt that I looked like I had the body I wanted to have. When I looked in the mirror I didn't see what everyone else saw. I saw a beautiful, happy person who loved life, not a pudgy, round person.

I thank my family and friends for this distorted concept. I'm serious. I'd rather be happy with who I am, than devasted with how I look every time I look in the mirror. My family has ALWAYS supported me and loved me no matter if I was a size 8 or a size 20, and that makes me happy. My mom was taunted when she was young because of her size and I know that she made sure to never let me feel the way she felt. I distinctly remember in 1st grade that I didn't want to go to class because a kid in there made fun of me because I was bigger than the rest of the girls. And I just remember her telling me not to listen to him because I was a great person no matter what. Ever since that moment, I always just ignored people if they did say ugly things about me, and eventually people just didnt say anything. I dont ever remember being teased in elementary, junior high, or high school for how big I was because the people who mattered to me didnt mind what size I was, and the people who minded weren't worth the skin off my back.

Looking back, I do wish I had cared more about how big I was getting, but I would not trade the love I have always felt from my family and friends. I remember having many conversations with my sister about my weight. She has never, not one day in our lives, ever called me fat, big, or any other description of largeness. In our conversations about my weight, she has only ever said she wanted me to be healthy. I think that's why when I started Jenny Craig (and even now) my reason for doing this is not to look like a super model, to be a stick, or be the most attractive person in the world (because I know I won't), but I want to be healthy. Health is way more important than looks can ever be.

Loving yourself for who you are is always a lot more important than how you look. When I was my fattest (and thinking I looked hot anyways) I could not understand why guys didnt like me. I mean, in my eyes and heart I was a great person with a great personality. Now that I'm 50 pounds lighter, I still feel this way and think this. I know that I'm not a stick and I probably never will be, but I know I have a great personality and I'm a lot happier and healthier than I ever thought I could be or that I was 50 pounds ago.

I also just want to add that I know guys may be programmed differently and only see the outside. Maybe in another 50 pounds I'll be physically attractive enough for them to finally be interested in me. But it may also be too late for them (if they already know me now) because if they didn't like who I am now ( a happy, life-living, hard-working, fun-loving girl) why will they deserve the same person in a smaller version? Just thought I'd throw that in there. :)

So even as happy as I thought I was 50 pounds ago, I am even happier now. Now I feel that what I see in the mirror is actually what others can see too. My self-concept has finally met up with reality.

Before and Now

2009-08-15T17:04:00.000-05:00

Here are pictures of before I started losing weight and now (50 pounds lighter!)

Howdy!

2009-08-13T20:52:00.000-05:00

So, here I am. Starting another blogspot blog. Why do you ask? Well, I've been losing weight since November. Weight has been a constant struggle for me my entire life. I didn't want to really put all that on my other blog. Yes, it is a part of My Life, and I will touch on it on the other blog. But I really want this blog to be just about my struggles, my wins, and all the in betweens of losing weight.

When I first started thinking about a name for this new blog, I was thinking acronyms. Now, to explain further. Since beginning my weight loss journey, my feeling of self worth has increased, my confidence has skyrocketed, and I have become a lot happier with who I am as a person. So, when I started thinking of a name I decided on Diary of a Beautiful, Independent, Gifted, Photogenic, Happy, All-around, Terrific Girl.

Now 9 months ago, when I first started losing weight, I doubt I would have said many, if any, of those things about myself and actually have meant it. Yes, I used to put on a good front that I had all the self confidence in the world, but I really didnt. It was a front, I hated what I looked like and how I felt about myself. As much as I felt I could look past it, I was always worried that people were only seeing my outershell instead of the person I was inside. I was also always terrified of going shopping for clothes because I just knew that they either (1.) wouldn't have my size, (2.) would only have super ugly old lady clothes, or (3.) would make me feel like Julie Roberts in the scene on pretty woman when they refused to help her at the department store.

Now that last one sort of happened to me once. 3 years ago, when my sister and 2 of my best friends were getting married around the same time, I went bridesmaid dress shopping with my friends. So here we are in a little mom and pop bridal shop and the girl who was helping us, I shall call her Ms. Snooty McSnootsnoot, made a comment. Now, at the store, when the comment was made I just laughed it off, but when you look back, those comments are the ones who give people complexes about themselves. My friend had found a bridesmaid dress she really liked for us. Ms. Snooty McSnootsnoot says to the other older lady working there in a hushed hushed voice, "I'm not sure we carry a size for her." and points to me. So, yes, I laugh it off and make a comment about being sorry they dont carry size tent, and I let it go. But here it is 3 years later, I remember that comment. And I always will because there are nicer ways to say you aren't quite sure that they have a size for everyone in the store, but they'll gladly look it up.

Now that was 3 years ago, when I was in a bad place anyways in regards to how I felt about my looks. Here I am 3 years later, 50 pounds lighter with more confidence in myself than ever before. I am by no means skinny or anywhere close to my goal weight, but I am at least working on getting there. 3 weeks ago, I went shopping for some clothes for school because all of my pants were too big (YAY!) So, here I am trying on some pants that are the smallest size pants I've worn since I was probably in junior high and feeling so great about myself. I come out of the dressing room, and the dressing room attendant (grant it she was probably in her 60s) says how great the pants look. Then she tells me I may want to think about getting a girdle. Now, (1.) why the H-E-Double hockey sticks do you say that to someone, (2.) RUDE! I don't care how old you are, dont say crap like that to someone. Now I am in a much better place about how I feel about my looks and I told her "Nah, I'm good" and just let it go and went and changed out of the pants (which I did buy).

Now, just for the record, I did not decide to lose weight because I want to be a total hottie (although I wont complain if I wind up being one). I did it for my health. I know that I'll never be the attractive girl that all the guys want and that's fine. But being healthy and being able to stay here on Earth to watch my sister's baby grow up, to have the relationships with my family and friends, and the make a difference in people's lives are the things that make me the happiest and are the most important things to me.

I hope this blog will enlighten people on how hard it is to be fat, to make the decision to change your entire lifestyle to become healthy, and to stick with it even on the hardest days. That's all for now. I hope you enjoy the Diary of a B.I.G. P.H.A.T girl. :)