I'm back!

So, I haven't blogged in a while. 3 months and 4 days to be exact. I finally figured out why I wasn't blogging. I was sad, angry, mad, upset, disgusted, and generally just hating myself.

Why do you ask?

Well, that's what I didnt realize 3 months and 4 days ago. But during that time I've figured it out.  At first I was all of those things because of me. I hated looking in the mirror. I hated getting on the scale. I hated everything that is part of being me. But mostly I hate the fact that I felt this way.

And I kept asking myself why I felt that way. And it kept coming back to one reason.....Charlie* (I changed that jerk's name because I hate him too much for breaking my spirit and love for myself to ever say his name again)

You see, 2 years ago, I lost 50 pounds. I felt great. I had a lot of confidence. I was happy with myself on the inside and for the first time on the outside too.

And then I met Charlie. And Charlie liked me. And Charlie made me fall in love with him. Charlie kept me at bay. He told me he didnt want a relationship, but always kept me within arms reach. Dangling there with the hope he'd change his mind because actions speak louder than the words he was saying.

And then, without me realizing it, Charlie broke me down. Charlie filled my head with the thoughts that, although I'd lost 50 pounds, it wasn't enough to make someone love me. Because men don't want girls who look like me. And all men are shallow. And ........I slowly started to believe him.

And then I started to hate myself. I didnt like how I looked. I didnt like who I was. So I ate. And while I can say that I'm the one who put the food in my mouth and I know better, Charlie is the one who put the thoughts in my head that I couldnt get out. So I ate. I regressed into my old habits because I thought it would make me feel better. Even though it didnt and I knew it would.

And slowly, I gained all of those 50 pounds back, plus about 5 more. And that made me more depressed. And I had nothing to say on here because I felt like I let everyone down, especially myself.

Then one day, I realized, being with Charlie and wanting to be with Charlie was like being a battered woman in a terrible relationship. He was beating me down mentally, but keeping me hooked enough to stick around. So, one more in February, I woke up and decided no more. No more communication, no more talking, no more hanging out, no more Charlie. I told him he would never hear from me again and he hasn't.

So, I went into mourning for myself and the fact that I changed so much of who I am because of one insignificant jerk. And then a miraculous thing happened, slowly, I started to like myself again and I realized I do want to lose weight, not to attract a man and not for anyone else, but I want to lose weight to be healthy and I want to do it for ME.

So, now I'm here. I'm starting a new adventure and venture with a program called Advocare (more about that in a later post) I've got my motivation, I've got my support from the best family in the world, and I've got a feeling I'm going to succeed!

Snow Days

Well, here we are on day 4 being out of school for snow. This means, I have been stuck at my house since Sunday without getting out because our road is so bad. It looks like we'll be out tomorrow too.

But in my time off, I have found that I'm not prone to eat all day. In fact, I've hardly eaten while I've been home. I've kept myself busy researching things online, making curriculum maps for the rest of the school year, trying to register for things for my new home I'm getting, etc. I have to make myself eat because I haven't been hungry during my time off. This is surprising considering I'm usually tearing the house apart to find food to eat when we are stuck in the house for days and days.

Also in my time off, I've gotten to be a channel surfer to find things to watch on tv. Can I just say I am amazed by how many shows there are on tv that are about losing weight, food, or addictions? It's ridiculous. I've been watching this show on MTV called "I used to be Fat." It's pretty interesting. It's like The Biggest Loser for teens. It takes a teen who just graduated high school and gives them a trainer and they have their summer before college to lose all this weight. I've watched 3 of them and it's pretty interesting and motivating. It sure would be nice to have a trainer who would come bust my butt for 3 months to get my weight off. But then again, I need to be self motivated to do it.

So, with that said, I'm going to go exercise. And by that I mean, bust out a workout tape I have since I cant get out of my road to go to the gym.

And so it begins.....

I was inspired after my last blog to give myself a feasible challenge to meet. Why not walk 1,000 miles? I am turning 30 in 468 days (you can keep up with it using the ticker on the right) and I feel that is plenty of time to walk 1,000 for fitness. I figure while I'm walking that I'll also be getting in shape and losing weight. It's a win/win situation here.
So, I signed up to do the Country Music Half Marathon on April 30th. That's 13.1 miles. By training every day for it I'll be racking up lots of miles toward my goal. Between now and the 1/2 marathon I'll probably do some 5ks. My first one will probably be the Zoo Run Run if anyone is interested. That's a fun one to do.

"A journey of 1,000 miles....."

(or in my case 100 pounds) "begins with a single step" as Lao Tzu once said. I think this quote is so fitting for weightloss. If you look at the destination and the end number of miles traveled (or pounds lost) it seems so far off and like such a long way to go. But you have to start. That first step can be the hardest step you ever take, but you have to go!

Along any long journey you also have to stop and take a break (but in weightloss breaks are not allowed). Sometimes on journeys you stop at different milemarkers (milestones) or kitchy little places where you see something interesting and stop to stretch your legs and maybe pick up a souvenir or two.

Here's something I've been thinking about doing from reading some of the other weightloss blogs I follow. I want to make some mini goals and some non-food rewards to have when I reach those mini goals. So I need suggestions. I already know a pedicure would be one reward and maybe a massage would be another one. But I need more suggestions for when I get the rewards and what I get. These will be my milemarkers and the rewards are my souviners from my journey. Send me your suggestions!

A Letter to Me

I was watching "The Biggest Loser" the other night. I only ever seem to watch that show when it's the last 2 or 3 episodes. Anyways, the Final 4 people went home and had a dvd that they watched. On the video were clips of themselves at their heaviest when they started the show telling their new selves things to remember and encouraging them. So that has inspired me to write a letter to myself. Here goes:

Dear Cheyenne,

You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent and independent woman. You have finished and accomplished so many things in your life that most people probably didnt believe you could do, but you did. You've even lost 50 pounds before, so you know that you CAN do it.

I look at pictures of you from the past year and I see how you went from your lowest weight to gaining most of your weight back. I see how happy you look in the "skinny" pictures. And I know it upsets you to see yourself now and makes you sad and makes you feel like a failure, but you've got to stop beating yourself up about it. You did it once and you can do it again. Let me rephrase, you WILL do it again and then some.

Only this time you will do it differently. You will lose it for YOU, not for anyone else, but YOU. You won't let the attention you get change you and change your way of thinking.

I want you to remember how great you feel when you drink the water and exercise, how refreshed your body feels, how happy it makes you to be able to MOVE, how you love to get new clothes, how your eyes seems to sparkle and pop because they aren't hidden behind sad feelings or chubby cheeks.

But most of all I want you to remember that you have the greatest family and friends supporting you through it all. They support you because they want what is best for you. Being healthy and living a healthier lifestyle is definitely what is BEST for you.

Now here's what I want you to do. I want you to quit looking for comfort in food and instead channel your sad or uspet feelings into working out or something constructive. I want you to look toward the future and not live in the past and dwell on things that you cannot change or reverse. What's done is done. It's up to you to realize that and just move on and move past it.  I want you to stop making excuses and start making a plan and sticking to it. You are so good at planning out everything else in your life; this is a plan you HAVE to start making and following through. And I want you to be healthy because you are a vibrant asset to this world that needs to stay around for as long as possible.

I LOVE YOU!!!! And you CAN do this! Your tomorrow starts TODAY!

Love,
Me

Why? vs. What?

I've been reading different blogs this weekend (as has everyone else apparently) and it got me thinking (dangerous I know).

When you are fat/big/obese/overweight...whatever you want to call it, you always want to ask yourself why? Why did I get this fat? Why did I gain all of the weight? Why can't I lose the weight? Why can't I just eat what I want and be skinny? Why are my pants too tight? Why did I eat that extra helping of potatoes?

I'm sure everyone asks themselves why about many things in their lives, but it seems when people try to lose weighty they keep asking themselves why can't I lose the weight when I'm doing everything right? But like another fellow blogger has pointed out many times over the past week, if you are REALLY following your plan, then you should be losing weight.

So instead of asking ourselves why we aren't being successful, we should ask ourselves WHAT we can do to be successful? Instead of asking Why can't I lose weight, ask yourself, WHAT can I be doing better. Instead of asking why don't my pants fit, ask WHAT you can do to get those pants loose again. Instead of asking why can't I eat what I want and be skinny, ask WHAT you should eat always to be healthy. Instead of asking why did I eat those extra servings of food, ask yourself WHAT you could do instead.

Success is dependent on attitude. If we want to keep being down and asking why, our success will be poor. If we want to be upbeat and positive and ask what we can do to continue on the road to success, then we will get what we want.

We CAN do this guys! We CAN be successful! Now WHAT are you going to do about it?

Being Fat isn't Funny!

I think I have a touch of the stomach bug. I have not had a fun day when it comes to my tummy. I've drank boo coos of water today to make sure I stay hydrated, but the thought of food makes me want to puke...literally.

Anyways, so because I feel so icky I did something I usually do not do....I came home and have just laid on the couch. While laying on the couch, I've been watching tv. America's Funniest Videos to be exact. And I actually got kind of ill about it. Here's why:

They often like to put clips of videos together that have similar concepts. This group of clips were of people breaking chairs, getting stuck in chairs, etc. The common theme for all of the people was that they were big...aka fat. Now, I personally, do not find that funny at all.

Being fat isn't funny for the person who is big. I mean, would you laugh at a 1 legged man who entered a 3 legged race with a friend? Or would you laugh at an anorexic 55 pound girl who was so thin she could fit between bars that are 5 inches apart? No! So why do people find it funny if a person with a bigger butt gets stuck in a rocking chair or when their chair breaks underneath them?

And the thing is, skinny people probably think it's ok to laugh at the fat people who get stuck in or break chairs because the fat person is usually laughing too. But I'm sure the person stuck or laying on the ground doesn't really find it funny. Laughing it off is part of the defense mechanism I think most fat people use to cope with their feelings about being fat in a superficial world like ours. The funniest people I know are fat and it's usually because they are making fun of themselves because they know if they say it before a skinny person does, then it won't be as funny. You know, calling out the white elephant in the room, so to speak.

I dont know. Maybe this rant has gone off on a tangent. Basically I wanted to say, think before you laugh at someone who breaks a chair or gets stuck in one.  Just because they are laughing on the outside doesn't mean they aren't crying on the inside from complete embarassment and mortification.