I'm back!

So, I haven't blogged in a while. 3 months and 4 days to be exact. I finally figured out why I wasn't blogging. I was sad, angry, mad, upset, disgusted, and generally just hating myself.

Why do you ask?

Well, that's what I didnt realize 3 months and 4 days ago. But during that time I've figured it out.  At first I was all of those things because of me. I hated looking in the mirror. I hated getting on the scale. I hated everything that is part of being me. But mostly I hate the fact that I felt this way.

And I kept asking myself why I felt that way. And it kept coming back to one reason.....Charlie* (I changed that jerk's name because I hate him too much for breaking my spirit and love for myself to ever say his name again)

You see, 2 years ago, I lost 50 pounds. I felt great. I had a lot of confidence. I was happy with myself on the inside and for the first time on the outside too.

And then I met Charlie. And Charlie liked me. And Charlie made me fall in love with him. Charlie kept me at bay. He told me he didnt want a relationship, but always kept me within arms reach. Dangling there with the hope he'd change his mind because actions speak louder than the words he was saying.

And then, without me realizing it, Charlie broke me down. Charlie filled my head with the thoughts that, although I'd lost 50 pounds, it wasn't enough to make someone love me. Because men don't want girls who look like me. And all men are shallow. And ........I slowly started to believe him.

And then I started to hate myself. I didnt like how I looked. I didnt like who I was. So I ate. And while I can say that I'm the one who put the food in my mouth and I know better, Charlie is the one who put the thoughts in my head that I couldnt get out. So I ate. I regressed into my old habits because I thought it would make me feel better. Even though it didnt and I knew it would.

And slowly, I gained all of those 50 pounds back, plus about 5 more. And that made me more depressed. And I had nothing to say on here because I felt like I let everyone down, especially myself.

Then one day, I realized, being with Charlie and wanting to be with Charlie was like being a battered woman in a terrible relationship. He was beating me down mentally, but keeping me hooked enough to stick around. So, one more in February, I woke up and decided no more. No more communication, no more talking, no more hanging out, no more Charlie. I told him he would never hear from me again and he hasn't.

So, I went into mourning for myself and the fact that I changed so much of who I am because of one insignificant jerk. And then a miraculous thing happened, slowly, I started to like myself again and I realized I do want to lose weight, not to attract a man and not for anyone else, but I want to lose weight to be healthy and I want to do it for ME.

So, now I'm here. I'm starting a new adventure and venture with a program called Advocare (more about that in a later post) I've got my motivation, I've got my support from the best family in the world, and I've got a feeling I'm going to succeed!

Snow Days

Well, here we are on day 4 being out of school for snow. This means, I have been stuck at my house since Sunday without getting out because our road is so bad. It looks like we'll be out tomorrow too.

But in my time off, I have found that I'm not prone to eat all day. In fact, I've hardly eaten while I've been home. I've kept myself busy researching things online, making curriculum maps for the rest of the school year, trying to register for things for my new home I'm getting, etc. I have to make myself eat because I haven't been hungry during my time off. This is surprising considering I'm usually tearing the house apart to find food to eat when we are stuck in the house for days and days.

Also in my time off, I've gotten to be a channel surfer to find things to watch on tv. Can I just say I am amazed by how many shows there are on tv that are about losing weight, food, or addictions? It's ridiculous. I've been watching this show on MTV called "I used to be Fat." It's pretty interesting. It's like The Biggest Loser for teens. It takes a teen who just graduated high school and gives them a trainer and they have their summer before college to lose all this weight. I've watched 3 of them and it's pretty interesting and motivating. It sure would be nice to have a trainer who would come bust my butt for 3 months to get my weight off. But then again, I need to be self motivated to do it.

So, with that said, I'm going to go exercise. And by that I mean, bust out a workout tape I have since I cant get out of my road to go to the gym.

And so it begins.....

I was inspired after my last blog to give myself a feasible challenge to meet. Why not walk 1,000 miles? I am turning 30 in 468 days (you can keep up with it using the ticker on the right) and I feel that is plenty of time to walk 1,000 for fitness. I figure while I'm walking that I'll also be getting in shape and losing weight. It's a win/win situation here.
So, I signed up to do the Country Music Half Marathon on April 30th. That's 13.1 miles. By training every day for it I'll be racking up lots of miles toward my goal. Between now and the 1/2 marathon I'll probably do some 5ks. My first one will probably be the Zoo Run Run if anyone is interested. That's a fun one to do.

"A journey of 1,000 miles....."

(or in my case 100 pounds) "begins with a single step" as Lao Tzu once said. I think this quote is so fitting for weightloss. If you look at the destination and the end number of miles traveled (or pounds lost) it seems so far off and like such a long way to go. But you have to start. That first step can be the hardest step you ever take, but you have to go!

Along any long journey you also have to stop and take a break (but in weightloss breaks are not allowed). Sometimes on journeys you stop at different milemarkers (milestones) or kitchy little places where you see something interesting and stop to stretch your legs and maybe pick up a souvenir or two.

Here's something I've been thinking about doing from reading some of the other weightloss blogs I follow. I want to make some mini goals and some non-food rewards to have when I reach those mini goals. So I need suggestions. I already know a pedicure would be one reward and maybe a massage would be another one. But I need more suggestions for when I get the rewards and what I get. These will be my milemarkers and the rewards are my souviners from my journey. Send me your suggestions!

A Letter to Me

I was watching "The Biggest Loser" the other night. I only ever seem to watch that show when it's the last 2 or 3 episodes. Anyways, the Final 4 people went home and had a dvd that they watched. On the video were clips of themselves at their heaviest when they started the show telling their new selves things to remember and encouraging them. So that has inspired me to write a letter to myself. Here goes:

Dear Cheyenne,

You are a strong, beautiful, intelligent and independent woman. You have finished and accomplished so many things in your life that most people probably didnt believe you could do, but you did. You've even lost 50 pounds before, so you know that you CAN do it.

I look at pictures of you from the past year and I see how you went from your lowest weight to gaining most of your weight back. I see how happy you look in the "skinny" pictures. And I know it upsets you to see yourself now and makes you sad and makes you feel like a failure, but you've got to stop beating yourself up about it. You did it once and you can do it again. Let me rephrase, you WILL do it again and then some.

Only this time you will do it differently. You will lose it for YOU, not for anyone else, but YOU. You won't let the attention you get change you and change your way of thinking.

I want you to remember how great you feel when you drink the water and exercise, how refreshed your body feels, how happy it makes you to be able to MOVE, how you love to get new clothes, how your eyes seems to sparkle and pop because they aren't hidden behind sad feelings or chubby cheeks.

But most of all I want you to remember that you have the greatest family and friends supporting you through it all. They support you because they want what is best for you. Being healthy and living a healthier lifestyle is definitely what is BEST for you.

Now here's what I want you to do. I want you to quit looking for comfort in food and instead channel your sad or uspet feelings into working out or something constructive. I want you to look toward the future and not live in the past and dwell on things that you cannot change or reverse. What's done is done. It's up to you to realize that and just move on and move past it.  I want you to stop making excuses and start making a plan and sticking to it. You are so good at planning out everything else in your life; this is a plan you HAVE to start making and following through. And I want you to be healthy because you are a vibrant asset to this world that needs to stay around for as long as possible.

I LOVE YOU!!!! And you CAN do this! Your tomorrow starts TODAY!

Love,
Me

Why? vs. What?

I've been reading different blogs this weekend (as has everyone else apparently) and it got me thinking (dangerous I know).

When you are fat/big/obese/overweight...whatever you want to call it, you always want to ask yourself why? Why did I get this fat? Why did I gain all of the weight? Why can't I lose the weight? Why can't I just eat what I want and be skinny? Why are my pants too tight? Why did I eat that extra helping of potatoes?

I'm sure everyone asks themselves why about many things in their lives, but it seems when people try to lose weighty they keep asking themselves why can't I lose the weight when I'm doing everything right? But like another fellow blogger has pointed out many times over the past week, if you are REALLY following your plan, then you should be losing weight.

So instead of asking ourselves why we aren't being successful, we should ask ourselves WHAT we can do to be successful? Instead of asking Why can't I lose weight, ask yourself, WHAT can I be doing better. Instead of asking why don't my pants fit, ask WHAT you can do to get those pants loose again. Instead of asking why can't I eat what I want and be skinny, ask WHAT you should eat always to be healthy. Instead of asking why did I eat those extra servings of food, ask yourself WHAT you could do instead.

Success is dependent on attitude. If we want to keep being down and asking why, our success will be poor. If we want to be upbeat and positive and ask what we can do to continue on the road to success, then we will get what we want.

We CAN do this guys! We CAN be successful! Now WHAT are you going to do about it?

Being Fat isn't Funny!

I think I have a touch of the stomach bug. I have not had a fun day when it comes to my tummy. I've drank boo coos of water today to make sure I stay hydrated, but the thought of food makes me want to puke...literally.

Anyways, so because I feel so icky I did something I usually do not do....I came home and have just laid on the couch. While laying on the couch, I've been watching tv. America's Funniest Videos to be exact. And I actually got kind of ill about it. Here's why:

They often like to put clips of videos together that have similar concepts. This group of clips were of people breaking chairs, getting stuck in chairs, etc. The common theme for all of the people was that they were big...aka fat. Now, I personally, do not find that funny at all.

Being fat isn't funny for the person who is big. I mean, would you laugh at a 1 legged man who entered a 3 legged race with a friend? Or would you laugh at an anorexic 55 pound girl who was so thin she could fit between bars that are 5 inches apart? No! So why do people find it funny if a person with a bigger butt gets stuck in a rocking chair or when their chair breaks underneath them?

And the thing is, skinny people probably think it's ok to laugh at the fat people who get stuck in or break chairs because the fat person is usually laughing too. But I'm sure the person stuck or laying on the ground doesn't really find it funny. Laughing it off is part of the defense mechanism I think most fat people use to cope with their feelings about being fat in a superficial world like ours. The funniest people I know are fat and it's usually because they are making fun of themselves because they know if they say it before a skinny person does, then it won't be as funny. You know, calling out the white elephant in the room, so to speak.

I dont know. Maybe this rant has gone off on a tangent. Basically I wanted to say, think before you laugh at someone who breaks a chair or gets stuck in one.  Just because they are laughing on the outside doesn't mean they aren't crying on the inside from complete embarassment and mortification.

A New Day

I had a great day. It started off by meeting two old friends from college for breakfast. I think I did good making healthier choices than I normally would make. And I drank a TON of water. I mean, I was floating before my food even came out!

After breakfast/brunch was over, I went to Dick's Sporting Goods to return some shoes that did not work for me. I had tried some of the Reebok toning shoes. They sure looked cute and felt ok when I tried them on, but wearing them all day or walking in them for a long time they made my feet hurt and really tired. So, I returned the shoes and got a pair of Asics (my favorite walking shoes).

After I got the shoes, I went shopping for some healthy food and came back with a bunch of fruit, veggies, and low calorie dinners to eat. So, now I'm set for my plan to lose weight. I reset my weightloss ticker with my starting weight being what today's weigh in was and then I decided to set a mini-weightloss goal for 10%.

And lastly, I emailed/posted a comment to some fellow friends who are losing weight about signing up for a 5k together. I think it'll be fun!

Insomnia leads to late night thinking

For whatever reason, I cannot sleep tonight. This seems to be a trend. I have the worst time sleeping lately.

Anyways, not being able to sleep leads to an overactive brain that starts thinking about things and usually winds up back at me (I'm so ego-centric right?)

This week I heard 2 things I found shocking and interesting all at once. I'll start with the most recent. Tonight while I was in my car, I heard the nightly trivia question. The question was: "What do 80% of men say they look for in a woman?" You wanna know the answer?.....Surprising to me, the answer was a woman who is fuller figured (to put it nicely). The guy said "Thin is not 'in' anymore."

I'm pleasantly surprised that this is the statistic. Hooray if it is completely true. I'm no rail of a woman, and never will be so maybe out of those 80 % of men, one will eventually sweet me off my feet. However, I am convinced that I must only know the other 20% of men who did not agree.with this statistic.

The 2nd thing I heard this week was on an episode of "Ugly Betty" reruns. I love that show (as superficial as it may be), but I was kind of....well I dont know exactly how to describe my feelings about the episode I watched. In short, Betty (the younger sister who wears braces) has a dream that she had perfect teeth and that it changed her entire life. Her older sister Hilda, instead of being gorgeous and business savvy, wound up being frumpy and a loser. Betty's fairy godmother (if you want to call her that) told her that in life there can only be one pretty sister and since Betty had perfect teeth which lead to perfect everything else, that left Hilda as the ugly sister. And the pretty sister is the one who gets everything while the ugly sister gets nothing.

So this got me thinking and I dont agree with this statement at all. I look at my sister and myself and, while her life does seem to be everything she wants while mine is lacking many things I want, I do not see us as 1 pretty sister and 1 ugly sister. I think we are both rather nice looking. Yes, I know I'm bigger than she is (always have been and probably always will be), but we are both pretty. So, I disagree that 2 sisters can't both be pretty or that 2 sisters lives have to be so drastically different from one another because of some law of the universe that only one of them can have what they want out of life or be successful.

On another note...tonight while Ive been laying here trying to fall asleep, I was thinking about what keeps me from being skinny. I really dont know. I watch shows where these people have a deep revelation that allows them to get over something that happened in their past that theyve been eating away the memories over. I can't think of anything that would be my reason.

My second thought about this was why is weightloss the one thing I really seem to fail at? I mean, I am so in control of pretty much everything  else in my life. I am very focused and driven at my job. I know I'm the type of person who puts everyone else first in my life and that I would drop whatever to help them out.

So, I don't get why I am not as willing to do that for myself. Or why I am such a control freak about so many things, except following and sticking to a diet. This is why I will never be anorexic or bullemic. I am not disciplined enough to control it or to stick with it.

Anyways, just some random ramblings and thoughts.....from an insomniac

Losing Weight in the digital age

Since I decided to start doing better at keeping track of what I eat and counting the calories for it, I knew I needed something to write it all down on. Well, this is the digital age, so I looked on my Droid for an app that would let me (for free) keep track of my caloric intake during the day. I found MyFitnessPal. And can I just say that I. LOVE. IT!

For starters it is FREE. Secondly, it is on my phone and my phone is ALWAYS with me so I can immediately put in what I've consumed to help me keep track of how many calories I've consumed. It also, lets me keep track of exercise and water and weight. It's just an absolutely great tool to have. Oh yeh, and you can look up ANYTHING on there and it will pop up so you can track everything you eat from anywhere you get it from.

Today I logged in every single thing I ate or drank. And although I went over my calorie goal, I am able to look at where I could have done better and know tomorrow I will do better.

I've also been looking up the number of calories in some healthy foods I like so I can make a menu and go shopping this weekend. The internet is my friend today!

Yay!

Goals

My motivation is back!!!! It's felt like a slow rumble of thunder inside me for a while to get back in "lose weight" mode, and now that thunder has finally hit me and I am gung ho about it.

I weighed myself on Friday and text my weightloss accountant (my sister) to let her know the number. I was bummed because it was higher than I wanted, so I made these goals for myself for the week: drink at least 3 big bottles of water every day, keep track of what I eat so I can keep track of calories and try to stay around 1600 a day. I'm also going to throw in there to work out at least 3 times this week.

Now, I've been getting pumped about these goals all weekend. I was in Smyrna/Murfreesboro for most of the weekend, which usually means I eat out the whole time I'm there. So when I got back home today I was going to take a shower and decided to weigh myself. I figured it would either be the same as Friday or higher, BUT OMG I was 1.5 pounds lighter than I had been on Friday morning!!! Happy day to me!

So now I'm super motivated! Ive got my water bottles ready to go for tomorrow. A semi-idea of what I'm gonna eat for the day to keep it in the calorie range and I'm already thinking about what exercise I'm going to do when I get home from school tomorrow. Yay me!

The Pity Party is now officially over!

ok. I'll be honest. Reflecting back over the past few weeks...ok, months, I see that I have been having a pity party for myself. It's not big secret that I've gained a good portion of the original weight I lost back. I mean, you can't exactly hide weight gain when you are out in public every day. So, yeh, just in case you are oblivious, I. Have. Gained. Weight. There! I said it, the secret is out.

Now, I finally was honest with myself that I had gained too much of my weight back back in July. I acknowledged it outwardly, but inwardly I denied! Denied! Denied! However, there is one aspect of my job that keeps me from deny to myself any longer that I have gained weight. My clothes! I want to cry every morning when I'm having to pick out something to wear because all of my pants are too tight. I can't squeeze into the 14s I was wearing at the end of last year. :( And I'm sure my shirts look awful with that spare tire I apparently picked up on the side of the road at some point.

Ok, sorry that last comment was a pity party comment. Here's the deal. I really have been feeling bad about myself and gaining weight. I've been talking about what I was going to start doing since July, but I haven't done a darn thing. Why? I honestly think it's because I do not want to admit that I've gotta start over, or just get started period. I keep thinking about how hard it was the first time, but then I think about how great I felt after I got in the groove of eating healthy, drinking water, and exercising regularly.

So, I took a step tonight. I contacted a nutritionist I know to see about getting some tips/help/ a giant push in the right direction.... Also, I read some great blogs tonight that I've been missing out on (Jessie you've reinspired me) since I've been so busy and that has really really REALLY got me motivated. Finally, my AMAZING sister sent me the sweetest, bestest, most encouraging text after she read my last blog.

So, now what? Well, baby steps, baby steps. I'm gonna work out a plan to be started ASAP. Since it's almost 10:45, I dont exactly have it worked out, but hopefully by the end of the week I will and I can get on target. Knowing people love you and support you and want to see you succeed for YOU makes everything worthwhile.

One of my goals is to blog daily. Knowing people are reading and anticipating my words will keep me focused. I will also continue to text my sister every Friday  morning after I've weighed in. She's my accountant (she holds me accountable). I'll continue to drink uber tons of water daily. And I think I'm going to take my friend Jessie's idea and sign up on Caloriecount.com to keep track of my calories along with keeping a little food journal to write down what I eat.

Ok, I'll work the kinks out in my plan more tomorrow. Time for some rest.

This is a Heavy post

So, recently I was watching some entertainment news show ( I think maybe The Insider). Anywho, they showed a clip about Wynonna Judd discussing her recent 60 + pound weightloss. She apparently has been doing some kind of brain thing where she just basically reconditions her brain to want to eat correctly, etc. The part that hit me was when they were discussing how she got to the point where she finally decided to make a change and lose some weight.

Here is where the heaviness sets in for me in this post. In the discussion about why Wynonna decided to get help, she said that some of the people close to her were talking to her and told her they felt like watching her continue to live like she was (meaning eating and being a fattie) was like watching a "slow suicide" and asked her what she was going to do about it.

Wow! I mean, what a way to look at it I guess. So, ever since I've heard that I've really been thinking about that. I mean, do people think that about me? I mean, I know what I should be doing, and I have the desire to eat better and work out, but for some reason I'm weak and I'm not doing it.

So I now I'm looking at myself trying to figure out why I'm not doing what I should be doing and how to get my rear in gear to get on track. It's just heavy on my mind and I can't quit thinking about it. I don't want to die because I'm making poor choices. Gotta make changes and gotta get started. No more excuses.

Why I refuse to get the BRCA test

My mom is a breast cancer survivor. I am beyond thankful that she is alive and well and can be an amazing inspiration to other women and men who are going through the scary time and experience of cancer.

Five years ago when my mother was going through her breast cancer treatments, a test was given called the BRCA genetics test, which looks for a mutation on a gene that is linked to hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. This basically means that it can be passed down through a family.

My grandmother's mother had cancer, my grandmother had cancer, my mom had cancer.....do you see that this is obviously passed through my family? Would you be surprised if I told you that my mom tested positive for the mutated BRCA gene? Would you say my chances of having the mutated gene are already high?

When my mom was tested they told her that it's a 50/50 chance that she would pass that gene to her daughters. Guess what? She has 2 daughters. The way I look at it, that means than one of us could wind up with the mutated gene and one of us couldn't.

Doctors strongly push for you to get the test if your family member has tested positive because they will put you on high alert watch for breast and ovarian cancer. They also encourage you to look into preventative surgery (such as having a mascetomy and hysterectomy) once you are you done having kids.

Now, I told you all of that to tell you this: I flat out refuse to have the test done. Here are my reason's why:

1. If God is going to give me cancer, He's already planned for me to have it.
2. Because I've had at least 3 maternal family members who have had a form of breast and/or ovarian cancer, I'm already on a high alert watch. My doctors are well aware of my family history and make sure to check, check, and double check when anything seems out of place.
3. Since my sister and I have a 50/50 chance of having the mutation, I would DIE if she had it and I didn't. All I would ever do if I knew if one of us did have the gene is worry about when it would finally put the cancer in us. Why worry about something you have no control over anyways?
4. I am 28 and still single and I don't have kids. I want kids, but I don't have any prospects for a husband yet. So, if I tested positive for the gene, exactly how old would they wait for me to get before they started harping on me to have my top and insides removed as a preventative measure? Would they wait it out to see if someone ever marries me and has babies with me? Or would they start asking me at 35 to have my breasts removed and my ovaries taken out because I'm still single and childless? Also, just because you have them removed doesn't mean that cancer won't and/or can't form in the tissue where your breasts and ovaries were.

So, basically I will never have the test done because I know that I'll be taken care of regardless of whether one little gene says that I may or may not get cancer one day. So why give myself the extra stress?

Floating

I text my weight to my "accountant" a.k.a. my sister today. Boo for the number but yay for her support. My accountant gave me the goal of drinking at least 2 bottles of water today. Well, yay for me that I had already drank 1 HUGE bottle of water. I already feel skinnier. Of course, I had to potty all day long because you know when you drink a lot of water that it goes straight through you. All I can hope is that it's just draining the fat out of me. haha.

So, tonight when I got home from my day of shopping my dad and I baked some fish sticks and fries. And I drank some tea. Then I drank another HUGE bottle of water. Sooooo that means that its 10:15 and I know I wont be able to sleep much for having to potty every 5 minutes the rest of the night. But like I said, I already feel skinnier. :)

I am my own worst enemy

I have come to realize that I'm fighting a losing battle. I worked so hard for a year to lose 50 pounds and I'm ashamed at how much I've actually gained back of that 50 pounds. (insert sad face here)  The worst part is that instead of doing something about it, I've just sat here and beaten myself up about it while I down another Dr. Pepper or eat another piece of fattening food.

I joined Weight Watchers Online in July but have done terrible at keeping up with the points and food I eat during the day. Ive also REALLLLY started slacking in the working out department. I mean, I've started going back to Zumba, but on the days I don't go, I don't make myself work out at home.

It would be easy to blame other people (namely a P.O.S. guy who broke my heart), the fault is all on myself for gaining the weight back. I changed my reasons for losing weight from "to get healthy for myself" to "to look good for a guy." That's not me and who I am, but I was stupid and it backfired on me MAJORLY.

First of all, I let the fact that someone seemed to like me after I had lost weight but was still chunky deter me from continuing to work hard to lose weight because I got into that comfortable "oooh, someone likes me for me" stage. THEN, I let the same P.O.S. guy convince me that no guy would really want me unless I was even skinnier, so I busted my self until I wound up hurting my side and getting burnt out on what I was doing. I did like how I looked at that point, but I was obsessed with my looks. Then, P.O.S. guy broke my heart and spirit when that wasn't enough to be working at being healthy and I gave up and quit caring. Shame on me!

This is me at my lowest. I think I looked good here but at the time in my mind I thought I looked like 1,000 pounds. Now my goal is to look like this again before my birthday in April.

I told my dad last week that I was considering joining Jenny Craig again because I did good on it, but then I asked myself why did J.C. work for me? The answer: a planned out menu and someone who called and checked in once a week to find out what the scale said and to talk about how I felt about myself.

So then, I started thinking, how could I do the same thing but cheaper? The solution: plan my own menu out based on caloric intake per day (I remember how much I should have if I'm trying to lose weight from J.C. days) and take a picture of the number on the scale and text it to my sister.

Why my sister you ask? Well, she's my bff. She's the one person who I don't mind telling a number to because I know she doesn't judge me by that number. She is super supportive and knows how hard it is for me to deal with the fact that I dont look on the outside like what I feel like I look like. She knows me and why I am the way I am. She will hold me accountable. And she is the one person in the whole world that I would never want to disappoint.

So, I'm going to quit beating myself up about why I've gained weight and make the changes I need to succeed. I have the materials, I know what to do. Now it's a matter of doing it.

Really?

I'll be the first person to tell you I'm not skinny. (I'm really working on not calling myself "fat" anymore). So, anways, I know I'm unskinny. However, I do not like for other people to point this out to me. It's like telling me the sky is blue and the grass is green. I mean, really? I know this!

Today, the Unskinny Girl's worst nightmare came true when I heard these words. "So, how far along are you?"

REALLY?.....I MEAN, REALLY?!?!?! 

Oh, but it didn't stop there. I politely said, "Oh, I'm not!" To which this person replies, "Oh, I mean how far along are you in your pregnancy?"

AGAIN.....REALLY?!?!?! I again, nicely, but more forcibly reply, "I'm not pregnant, but my friend is" (as I point toward my friend.

This "special" person (and I say special because at this point you just know their brain has fallen out of their head) says, "Oh, I know she's expecting, but when are you due?"

At this point I just turned around and walked off. It was all I could do to keep from crying and throwing up all at the same time. I know I'm "unskinny," but GOOD GRIEF! I'm trying (I could always try harder), but I'm trying and working at eating healthier and working out. I hate to think that people actually look at me and think I'm pregnant when I'm not!

So I went to Zumba tonight and busted my butt to work out hard. I was sweating like a pig and feel great from it. Tomorrow, I will eat like a bird and work out when I get home. I. Will. Not. Be. Unskinny. Anymore!

Sad Eyes and Sliding Doors

Have any of you ever seen the movie "Sliding Doors" with Gweneth Paltrow? I had to watch it in a Sociology class that I took in college and, honestly, it was the best class I had that semester. I really liked the movie and related to it. I've always had a "what if" mentality about life. What if I didn't get stuck behind that slow driver? What if I hadn't been at that particular place at that particular time? What if I had grown up skinny instead of bigger? What if my parents hadn't shown me that I was worth something even though I was bigger than other children? What if my parents didnt teach me to exude self-confidence for who I am, rather than to worry about who I'm not?

I have wondered these last question all of my life. How would my life have been different if I had grown up a size 2 instead of a 10 or 16? Would I have met the "love of my life" at age 16, gotten married out of high school, and be sitting here writing about my 5 kids, 3 dogs, and 2 cats? Would I be as outgoing and independent? Would I be conceited about my looks? Would I be anything like the me that I am today?

I also have wondered how my life would have been different if my parents hadn't loved me enough to help me see that I am worth something even though I'm bigger. I honestly believe my parents and sister are the reason I am who I am and the way I am today. I've said before how supportive and loving they are of me and always have been. I am eternally grateful for that.

Although I never thought I would, I have now seen a glimpse of what I think I would have been like if I hadn't had the supportive and loving family that I do. It's hard to explain the sad soul that you see in the eyes of someone who has been "beaten down" by their loved ones. How can you ever tell a child that they are ugly, fat, worthless? Maybe it's because I know how it is to be the big kid in class, but I can relate. I know the demons that are in their head. I know how conscious they are about their weight. I know how, even though they may be the prettiest person in the room, being big makes you feel the ugliest.

But to actually see the eyes of someone who doesn't have a mother at home who tells you to ignore the taunts by mean boys and girls because you are beautiful....that breaks my soul. Because that could have been me. The look in the eyes haunt me because the sad look that you see in them makes your soul cry for the pain you know they feel.

I will always remember the ugly things kids said to me when I was in school. I'll never forget being called Buffalo Butt in 2nd grade.Teasing doesnt end in elementary school, I've even had grown-ups make ugly comments to me when I was shopping for bridesmaid dresses for my sister's and friends' weddings. So, I KNOW how a child who is teased about their weight feels.

I chose my profession because I want to make a difference in someone's life. Hopefully, I can make a difference in many lives. But if I can make a difference in just one, I will have succeeded. My goal is to make those sad eyes KNOW that they are loved by someone who's been in their shoes; To make those sad eyes understand that no matter what you look like on the outside, or what people say about you, or what people call you, YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL; To make those sad eyes always smile because they know they are worth everything they wish and dream for in life.

I want to be at the "sliding door" for Sad Eyes. I want to help them see the possibilities of a life lived knowing they are wonderful being who they are. I want YOU to make a concerted effort to encourage yourself and anyone you know to be kind to big people. You could be the door to change in their life.

Buh-bye 2 pounds!

Oh yay-uh! So, I'm sure it's water weight and blah blah blah, but 2 pounds gone is 2 pounds gone! woooooooo hooooooooo! I tell you what, seeing the numbers go down on the scale always seems to be the biggest motivation I need. I'm not going to lie, I haven't being a huge stickler with the food part or even the working out part, but I guess doing a little of both combined to get started can really get ya going. So, now my goals for this week are to remember to take a multi-vitamin every day, drink more water, continue eating better, and working out (like me time kind of working out, not just walking the dogs) at least 3 times this week. I can do it. Shoot, 2 pounds is just the one small step I need get on it! Woooooo hoooooooooo!!!

Day 2

Getting better. I will admit but that I went over my daily allotment for points, but not by much (like 1 or 2). AND....drumroll please.....I went to Zumba!!!! I could have made every excuse under the sun not to go, like I was tired when I got home, the dogs wanted me to stay, I didnt want to drive that far. But I went, and had a blast. I really really REALLY have missed going. I made a pact with my friend Leslie to go every Monday and Wednesday (when Annette the greatest Zumba instructor teaches). Of course, they will be closed this Monday for Labor Day, so I have to wait a week to go again, but I'm so pumped about it.

I can't believe I was as nervous as I was to go because the last time I was there I was skinny (ok, really just smaller than I am now). I didnt want to see all my jiggly parts jiggling in the mirror, so I refused to look at myself while I danced but at least I felt like I was doing it right and I had fun! haha!

So now, tomorrow, my goal is to do really well on the "points" and walk or work out when I get home. I can do this!
P.S. Thanks for all of the support from my friends and readers! It's definitely encouraging to know I have so many people wishing me well.