Why I refuse to get the BRCA test

My mom is a breast cancer survivor. I am beyond thankful that she is alive and well and can be an amazing inspiration to other women and men who are going through the scary time and experience of cancer.

Five years ago when my mother was going through her breast cancer treatments, a test was given called the BRCA genetics test, which looks for a mutation on a gene that is linked to hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. This basically means that it can be passed down through a family.

My grandmother's mother had cancer, my grandmother had cancer, my mom had cancer.....do you see that this is obviously passed through my family? Would you be surprised if I told you that my mom tested positive for the mutated BRCA gene? Would you say my chances of having the mutated gene are already high?

When my mom was tested they told her that it's a 50/50 chance that she would pass that gene to her daughters. Guess what? She has 2 daughters. The way I look at it, that means than one of us could wind up with the mutated gene and one of us couldn't.

Doctors strongly push for you to get the test if your family member has tested positive because they will put you on high alert watch for breast and ovarian cancer. They also encourage you to look into preventative surgery (such as having a mascetomy and hysterectomy) once you are you done having kids.

Now, I told you all of that to tell you this: I flat out refuse to have the test done. Here are my reason's why:

1. If God is going to give me cancer, He's already planned for me to have it.
2. Because I've had at least 3 maternal family members who have had a form of breast and/or ovarian cancer, I'm already on a high alert watch. My doctors are well aware of my family history and make sure to check, check, and double check when anything seems out of place.
3. Since my sister and I have a 50/50 chance of having the mutation, I would DIE if she had it and I didn't. All I would ever do if I knew if one of us did have the gene is worry about when it would finally put the cancer in us. Why worry about something you have no control over anyways?
4. I am 28 and still single and I don't have kids. I want kids, but I don't have any prospects for a husband yet. So, if I tested positive for the gene, exactly how old would they wait for me to get before they started harping on me to have my top and insides removed as a preventative measure? Would they wait it out to see if someone ever marries me and has babies with me? Or would they start asking me at 35 to have my breasts removed and my ovaries taken out because I'm still single and childless? Also, just because you have them removed doesn't mean that cancer won't and/or can't form in the tissue where your breasts and ovaries were.

So, basically I will never have the test done because I know that I'll be taken care of regardless of whether one little gene says that I may or may not get cancer one day. So why give myself the extra stress?

Floating

I text my weight to my "accountant" a.k.a. my sister today. Boo for the number but yay for her support. My accountant gave me the goal of drinking at least 2 bottles of water today. Well, yay for me that I had already drank 1 HUGE bottle of water. I already feel skinnier. Of course, I had to potty all day long because you know when you drink a lot of water that it goes straight through you. All I can hope is that it's just draining the fat out of me. haha.

So, tonight when I got home from my day of shopping my dad and I baked some fish sticks and fries. And I drank some tea. Then I drank another HUGE bottle of water. Sooooo that means that its 10:15 and I know I wont be able to sleep much for having to potty every 5 minutes the rest of the night. But like I said, I already feel skinnier. :)

I am my own worst enemy

I have come to realize that I'm fighting a losing battle. I worked so hard for a year to lose 50 pounds and I'm ashamed at how much I've actually gained back of that 50 pounds. (insert sad face here)  The worst part is that instead of doing something about it, I've just sat here and beaten myself up about it while I down another Dr. Pepper or eat another piece of fattening food.

I joined Weight Watchers Online in July but have done terrible at keeping up with the points and food I eat during the day. Ive also REALLLLY started slacking in the working out department. I mean, I've started going back to Zumba, but on the days I don't go, I don't make myself work out at home.

It would be easy to blame other people (namely a P.O.S. guy who broke my heart), the fault is all on myself for gaining the weight back. I changed my reasons for losing weight from "to get healthy for myself" to "to look good for a guy." That's not me and who I am, but I was stupid and it backfired on me MAJORLY.

First of all, I let the fact that someone seemed to like me after I had lost weight but was still chunky deter me from continuing to work hard to lose weight because I got into that comfortable "oooh, someone likes me for me" stage. THEN, I let the same P.O.S. guy convince me that no guy would really want me unless I was even skinnier, so I busted my self until I wound up hurting my side and getting burnt out on what I was doing. I did like how I looked at that point, but I was obsessed with my looks. Then, P.O.S. guy broke my heart and spirit when that wasn't enough to be working at being healthy and I gave up and quit caring. Shame on me!

This is me at my lowest. I think I looked good here but at the time in my mind I thought I looked like 1,000 pounds. Now my goal is to look like this again before my birthday in April.

I told my dad last week that I was considering joining Jenny Craig again because I did good on it, but then I asked myself why did J.C. work for me? The answer: a planned out menu and someone who called and checked in once a week to find out what the scale said and to talk about how I felt about myself.

So then, I started thinking, how could I do the same thing but cheaper? The solution: plan my own menu out based on caloric intake per day (I remember how much I should have if I'm trying to lose weight from J.C. days) and take a picture of the number on the scale and text it to my sister.

Why my sister you ask? Well, she's my bff. She's the one person who I don't mind telling a number to because I know she doesn't judge me by that number. She is super supportive and knows how hard it is for me to deal with the fact that I dont look on the outside like what I feel like I look like. She knows me and why I am the way I am. She will hold me accountable. And she is the one person in the whole world that I would never want to disappoint.

So, I'm going to quit beating myself up about why I've gained weight and make the changes I need to succeed. I have the materials, I know what to do. Now it's a matter of doing it.