It's been a while

I thought I would do so much better at writing on here than I have. Well, I'm picking it back up. Weight is still a constant battle for me. After really thinking about it for a while, I decided to quit Jenny Craig. I was really getting tired of the food, I was only 1/2 way through my goal, and the financial aspect of it was really draining me.

Now, don't get me wrong, I totally think it is worth it to learn how to be healthier and live a healthier lifestyle. I was just ready to try it on my own. I've done it for a year and just need a change. The good news is I haven't gained any weight, I feel relieved, and I'm a little richer each month because I'm not having to buy the food. The bad news is I dont feel like I have that person holding me responsible each week for how much I've lost, which hasn't been much since I've been on my own. So, maybe blogging on here more often will make me feel like I have someone watching me other than myself to see how I progress.

I feel like I've been mixed up lately. I don't feel like my thoughts are my own sometimes. I guess I mean, like the person I used to be. Of course, how could they? I'm not the same person I was 50 pounds ago and sometimes I dont know if I even know the person I am now. Right before I quit Jenny Craig, I started feeling like I was becoming the person I said I did not want to become. I actually started worrying what people think of me in terms of how I look. Rather than thinking about how amazing and wonderful a person I am (like I've always done), I started worrying more about how fat everyone who sees me thinks that I am. That is not me! I've never been like that before, EVER! My mom raised me to not worry what others thinks of my outside because the inside is what matters.

So, why do I care now? There are days I feel like I am the size of a toothpick (which I know is not true) and then there are days where I feel like I am that super fat girl I was 50 pounds ago and all of the weight is back on me and I'm the size of a Macy's Thanksgiving balloon (which I also know is not true because I'm wearing a size 14 compared to the size 20 I was so there is tangible evidence proving this wrong). But these irrational thoughts won't leave my head. I wish they would. I started Jenny Craig because I wanted to get healthy, not because I wanted to be the hottest thing in the room. So, why do I care now?

But all I can do is keep working on being healthy and losing another 50 pounds or more. I'm watching what I eat, working out (yay for Zumba!), taking my vitamins, and drinking my water.

Gaining a baby and losing some weight!

August 30, 2009 The day I met my little buddy. I was pumped that he was here and super pumped that I don't look huge here. He can look back and not see a super fat aunt, but an aunt who is healthy and loves him.

September 1, 2009. I liked this picture because even though he is covering my tummy up, I actually look smaller up top in my shoulders and "lady" area.

September 5, 2009. My new man. I heart him! And I'm so glad that when I hold him you can still see mostly him instead of how huge I am because I"m not huge anymore. :)

September 8, 2009. Probably my favorite picture so far. I'm glad I have a jawline that you can see, smaller everything and that I'm holding THE cutest kid in the whole world.

So, I posted my last blog the Saturday night before my sister had the baby. She was due to go in for a c-section on Monday, but her water broke on Sunday instead and now we are so blessed to have the cutest baby in the whole wide world in our lives. He is perfect!

So, when the baby got here, I went into worry mode. Of course I was already worried to death about the whole birth experience for my sis, but when it was all just so quick, it made me more nervous. I turned to candy and gained a pound last week. Apparently I have down the not eating because I'm happy thing, but I am still having problems with eating when I have a super worrisome situation. But I talked to my Jenny consultant about it all, learned from it, moved on and wound up losing 2 pounds this week! Wooo!

So, I spent the weekend with my sis and the new baby. And of course did some shopping :) I really like being able to buy new clothes that are cute and fit and are trendyish. I went to my favorite store and was overwhelmed with the fact that I can shop 3/4ths of the store now with all of the cute stuff instead of just the 1/4th of it for the big girls. I also cried when I tried on this top that has a fitted belt and for the first time really really realized and felt that I was smaller and actually have somewhat of a figure. It's a great feeling. So then I spent the rest of the weekend feeling super skinny and just awesome. hehe

Ok, I kinda feel conceited that I talked a lot about me when there is a baby in the picture now, but I guess since this blog is about me being B.I.G. and P.H.A.T I need to be a little conceited in all my hard work. haha

A Week Worth of Weighting

Haha. That was a little play on a homophone. We've been patiently waiting for baby Cale to arrive. In the meantime, my emotional eating has come out. I have done horrible staying on my plan. However, I haven't gained any weight, which I don't understand but I'll take it.

I am such a thinker. I think (haha) that is one of my biggest problems. I think about things way too much and I overanalyze everything, which leads to my crazy emotions that I have which leads to indulging in food I shouldn't. The worst part is that I know this and still do it.

So one of the things that I have been thinking about this week is my weight (of course). I had this discussion with my mom, my dad, and my sis. According to my "goal weight," I still have 70 pounds to lose. I told my dad this the other night and he asked me where exactly I would lose the 70 pounds from. Now, I look at myself now and wonder the same thing. I mean, I know I am not skinny, but I also don't see that I'm still 70 pounds overweight either. I talked with my sis about it tonight too and she said the same thing. So, I think I'm going to have to change my goal weight. I mean, I want to be skinny but I don't want to look emaciated either.

It was a great week for compliments too. I appreciate all my friends who said something so nice to me. My dad was the funniest. When we were talking about how much I have left to lose and my new pants that I had on he said, "Girl, you're looking good!" My dad, like me, is very blunt, so I know he meant it.

The last thing that I've been thinking about is what I look like now. I know I've talked about it before, but now that I am smaller than I was, I am way more conscious about if I look fat or not. Someone very honestly told me that my only barrier to getting a guy is my weight. Now, I appreciate their honesty, but I still in my soul believe that is not the only reason. That is just their opinion. I can't believe that every man out there will only be attracted to a woman if she is a bean pole, especially when I see women who are bigger than me with a boyfriend. Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I really believe my personality is attractive enough to outweigh (haha) my weight.

So anyways, again I was talking to my sister and I told her that I really love all the compliments that I get about my weight loss. It definitely makes me feel great about myself. But at the same time, do I really look that good? Or do I just look better than I did? People who knew me 50 pounds ago can say I look great b/c I am smaller looking than I was. But what about people who didn't know me 50 pounds ago? Do they look at me and just think, "wow! here's a very confident, happy chubby girl." I mean I am not gonna kid myself and think that I am a skinny beauty queen by any means, but if someone met me now they would not know that I had worked so hard and lost that weight and that I look better.

So then that makes me think again to the comment that my weight is my barrier. Because yes, a man who has never seen me or met me before would not know that I have lost weight and would only see me as a chubby girl and move on. However, the single men that I know and have known me since I was super fat should know me well enough to know my personality and in my dreamer world should be able to look past the chubby girl I am now and be attracted to the super awesome person that I am that is driven to succeed and get healthy.

I don't know. Just some thoughts I keep tossing back and forth. I promise I am not in a sad mood about it. I understand you can't make someone like you or be attracted to you or love you. I'm not worried about it. And I'm not going to quit being a dreamer and thinking that there are guys out there who don't let the physical look outweigh the personality of a person.

Shrinking and Singledom

Ok. So I've been fat pretty much my entire life. I know my family and friends love me no matter what, so that gives me confidence. Looking at myself and other "overweight" individuals, I have noticed that many of us have something in common. Humor. When you're fat, you want to take people's minds off of how you look, so you grow a personality that will outshine how big you are. You get to the point where you make fun of yourself before anyone else can so it's not funny if they do it. After 27 years, I think I've become pretty good at this. I also believe I have a great personality. I've made the internal more important than the external (which is a good thing I believe).

However, I am learning that the internal is not what gets you noticed or wanted. It's a sad truth. Even at my largest, I realized what guy would want to be with such a wonderful girl who was the size of a cow? So, now I'm 50 pounds lighter and starting to get a complex. I still have a great personality, and I now sort of have a figure. No, I'm not a stick, but I do look better than I did. However, there's still no guy. Now, to me, this means one of two things. I'm either still too fat for a guy to ever want, or there is something majorly wrong with me that I am completely unaware of.

I don't get it. And I really dont think anyone could ever understand what I mean, what I think, or what I feel about this issue. I absolutely HATE to hear people say that God has a plan and He'll put a man in my life when it's time. To me, that is so easy for people who are married, engaged, or have a significant other to say because they are not in my shoes. I swear, I will NEVER tell a single person that EVER if I am ever a not single person. And no, being with someone is not the most important thing in the world, and it does not define me as a person. However, it is something I want. I want to feel wanted and loved by a man. I want to have a significant other. I want to know what it's like to get a phone call just because or a random note saying hi. I want to have plans on a Friday night. I want to have someone who will hug me at the end of a bad day and just take all of the stress of the day out of me. I want someone who I can share all of this love I have bottled up inside of me waiting to get out.

If you know what I'm missing, let me know. But I please ask that you don't tell me it will happens when it's time and all the other PC things people say because I am honestly to the point of thinking that it will never happen for me. And if it's because I'm still chubby, don't tell me that either, because that will just piss me off that people will be that shallow to know I have a great personality, but since I have a spare tire on my waist, I'm not datable. I think that's a sorry excuse.

Sorry, I'm just ill thinking about it. I'm working hard here to lose weight, get healthy, look better and I guess I just thought it would make things easier

You learn something new every day

So, Tuesdays are my nights to talk to my Jenny Craig consultant, which means Tuesdays are my weigh in days. Now I've been doing really good staying on my menu, working out, etc. So, imagine my disappointment when I only lost 1/2 a pound this week! I know it was at least a loss and not a gain, but come on!



So when I was talking to my consultant, I told her that I've been sick the past couple of days and havent felt like eating. When I get a cold like this, I feel full the whole time b/c I can't breathe and all the drainage makes me feel gross. All I want to drink is water too. Well, while I was talking to my consultant she asked me if I had been taking a decongestant. I said yes, trying to get rid of this thing. She told me that decongestants cause weight gain. WHAT!!!!! So, bascially I have been taking this for 3 days to get rid of the nasty cold/allergy thing. So, since I'm sick and just because I can, I'm gonna say I really lost more than just 1/2 a pound! haha

Food...ugh!

My thoughts about food have completely changed. Before (50 pounds ago) I would eat anything and everything to see if I could figure out what I was craving (which was really just an emotional thing). I could and would eat whatever I wanted. If I bought a bag of chips at the store, I would eat every single one in the bag, even if I felt satisfied after a couple of chips. I would eat until I was stuffed and couldn't breathe. And when we would cook supper, my dad would cook enough for about 4 people and we would eat every single bit of it. Now, I blame the clean plate award feeling on Captain D's for that one. Remember when they used to give you a Mickey Mouse sucker if you finished your meal? I think it's a southern thing to eat every single thing on your plate even if you are stuffed. Waste not, want not, right?

I remember a couple of years ago, one of my friends made a comment that life would be so much easier if we didnt have to think about eating or didnt have to eat. Now at the time, I thought that was blasphemy! Not eating!?!? Are you serious!?!?! But a funny thing has happened.....

Since I began Jenny Craig, they teach you to eat until you are satisfied and only to eat because you NEED to, not because you WANT to. I never would have believed that my mentality about food would change, but it has. You pretty much get a schedule of eating breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack to keep your metabolism working all the time to burn off that fat. So, by eating contstantly pretty much, you never feel like you are starving. You eat because you NEED to, not because you are feeling like your stomach will eat your backbone if you don't eat a hamburger right then!

So, I say all of that to say that I now understand why my friend made her comment AND I agree with her. Life would be a lot easier if we didn't have to eat or think about eating. It's so time consuming! And a lot of the time, I dont even want to eat because I really am not hungry at all. I mean, I eat when I'm supposed to and I eat my Jenny meals, but I dont always eat all of it anymore because I just am not hungry. I honestly, NEVER thought that would be something I said, but there ya go. I said it.

And another weird thing. If I am in a restaurant, the smell of food disgusts me. Like I feel like I will vomit if I breathe through my nose. I'm just saying. I think it's kinda weird, but it's what happens. So I went from eating everything in sight to almost being disgusted to see or smell food period!

Thoughts

I am in a funk today and I was talking to one of my friends and just thinking about things in general. So, here I am. I've lost 50 pounds. I'm looking forward to my next 50 pounds and I'm realizing that while my self-concept has changed, so has my perception. Before I didnt care if people thought I was fat because I knew I was very large. Now I'm losing weight and realizing that there really is a skinny girl inside me somewhere, slowly making her way out and I want people to see that too.

I realize that I am definitely smaller and sort of have a thing called a figure (just a slight one, still got the spare tire around the middle) but now that I realize that I can actually look sort of skinny, I am a lot more aware of trying to make myself look skinny. And I'm actually wondering what people think of how I look now. For example, yesterday I went grocery shopping for my dad. Now, I dont eat regular food other than fruits and veggies for salads b/c I have my Jenny Craig meals, so everything in the cart was for my dad and dogs. The card was overflowing with the stuff he always gets and all I could think of was, "Lord, I hope no one thinks all of this is for me. I wonder what they think of me. They are probably saying, no wonder she looks like that! Look at all the crap she's got in her buggy!" I know that is ridiculous for me to think that, but I did. And if you know me it was a spontaneous, quick stream of those thoughts all together and then it was over.

Another thing that is difficult for me is compliments and people talking about my weight loss. I guess because I dont feel I look as skinny as people make it out to be. I mean, I know I look smaller than I did, but I could still stand to lose 70 pounds according to the chart. I mean, I really truly am flattered and glad when people say something and I'm glad when they do b/c it means they can see a difference. I guess it's just weird b/c people have never really talked about it before. I hope people dont think I'm rude or ungrateful for their comments. I just am not used to them. Like last week, I think on the same day, one person was talking about how thin my face has gotten and then like 30 minutes later another person said I was wasting away to nothing b/c I was so small. Again, I really am flattered, but I'm not THAT skinny.

I dont really remember the point I was trying to make, but anyways. There ya go. :)