Sunday, April 17, 2011

I'm back!

So, I haven't blogged in a while. 3 months and 4 days to be exact. I finally figured out why I wasn't blogging. I was sad, angry, mad, upset, disgusted, and generally just hating myself.

Why do you ask?

Well, that's what I didnt realize 3 months and 4 days ago. But during that time I've figured it out.  At first I was all of those things because of me. I hated looking in the mirror. I hated getting on the scale. I hated everything that is part of being me. But mostly I hate the fact that I felt this way.

And I kept asking myself why I felt that way. And it kept coming back to one reason.....Charlie* (I changed that jerk's name because I hate him too much for breaking my spirit and love for myself to ever say his name again)

You see, 2 years ago, I lost 50 pounds. I felt great. I had a lot of confidence. I was happy with myself on the inside and for the first time on the outside too.

And then I met Charlie. And Charlie liked me. And Charlie made me fall in love with him. Charlie kept me at bay. He told me he didnt want a relationship, but always kept me within arms reach. Dangling there with the hope he'd change his mind because actions speak louder than the words he was saying.

And then, without me realizing it, Charlie broke me down. Charlie filled my head with the thoughts that, although I'd lost 50 pounds, it wasn't enough to make someone love me. Because men don't want girls who look like me. And all men are shallow. And ........I slowly started to believe him.

And then I started to hate myself. I didnt like how I looked. I didnt like who I was. So I ate. And while I can say that I'm the one who put the food in my mouth and I know better, Charlie is the one who put the thoughts in my head that I couldnt get out. So I ate. I regressed into my old habits because I thought it would make me feel better. Even though it didnt and I knew it would.

And slowly, I gained all of those 50 pounds back, plus about 5 more. And that made me more depressed. And I had nothing to say on here because I felt like I let everyone down, especially myself.

Then one day, I realized, being with Charlie and wanting to be with Charlie was like being a battered woman in a terrible relationship. He was beating me down mentally, but keeping me hooked enough to stick around. So, one more in February, I woke up and decided no more. No more communication, no more talking, no more hanging out, no more Charlie. I told him he would never hear from me again and he hasn't.

So, I went into mourning for myself and the fact that I changed so much of who I am because of one insignificant jerk. And then a miraculous thing happened, slowly, I started to like myself again and I realized I do want to lose weight, not to attract a man and not for anyone else, but I want to lose weight to be healthy and I want to do it for ME.

So, now I'm here. I'm starting a new adventure and venture with a program called Advocare (more about that in a later post) I've got my motivation, I've got my support from the best family in the world, and I've got a feeling I'm going to succeed!

1 comment:

  1. So glad you got away from all that negativity and emotional abuse.