I am my own worst enemy

I have come to realize that I'm fighting a losing battle. I worked so hard for a year to lose 50 pounds and I'm ashamed at how much I've actually gained back of that 50 pounds. (insert sad face here)  The worst part is that instead of doing something about it, I've just sat here and beaten myself up about it while I down another Dr. Pepper or eat another piece of fattening food.

I joined Weight Watchers Online in July but have done terrible at keeping up with the points and food I eat during the day. Ive also REALLLLY started slacking in the working out department. I mean, I've started going back to Zumba, but on the days I don't go, I don't make myself work out at home.

It would be easy to blame other people (namely a P.O.S. guy who broke my heart), the fault is all on myself for gaining the weight back. I changed my reasons for losing weight from "to get healthy for myself" to "to look good for a guy." That's not me and who I am, but I was stupid and it backfired on me MAJORLY.

First of all, I let the fact that someone seemed to like me after I had lost weight but was still chunky deter me from continuing to work hard to lose weight because I got into that comfortable "oooh, someone likes me for me" stage. THEN, I let the same P.O.S. guy convince me that no guy would really want me unless I was even skinnier, so I busted my self until I wound up hurting my side and getting burnt out on what I was doing. I did like how I looked at that point, but I was obsessed with my looks. Then, P.O.S. guy broke my heart and spirit when that wasn't enough to be working at being healthy and I gave up and quit caring. Shame on me!

This is me at my lowest. I think I looked good here but at the time in my mind I thought I looked like 1,000 pounds. Now my goal is to look like this again before my birthday in April.

I told my dad last week that I was considering joining Jenny Craig again because I did good on it, but then I asked myself why did J.C. work for me? The answer: a planned out menu and someone who called and checked in once a week to find out what the scale said and to talk about how I felt about myself.

So then, I started thinking, how could I do the same thing but cheaper? The solution: plan my own menu out based on caloric intake per day (I remember how much I should have if I'm trying to lose weight from J.C. days) and take a picture of the number on the scale and text it to my sister.

Why my sister you ask? Well, she's my bff. She's the one person who I don't mind telling a number to because I know she doesn't judge me by that number. She is super supportive and knows how hard it is for me to deal with the fact that I dont look on the outside like what I feel like I look like. She knows me and why I am the way I am. She will hold me accountable. And she is the one person in the whole world that I would never want to disappoint.

So, I'm going to quit beating myself up about why I've gained weight and make the changes I need to succeed. I have the materials, I know what to do. Now it's a matter of doing it.