I'm a Big Fish

So, it's 10:45 pm and I should be asleep. I went to bed 45 minutes ago because I have bus duty this week, which means getting up earlier to be at school earlier, but, of course, my brain is in overdrive and won't shut off, so maybe the best way to help it shut down for the night is to blog out some thoughts. (Wow, what a run-on sentence!)

Anywho, as I lay in my bed for 45 minutes thinking tonight, I have come to the conclusion that I am an unsettled person. What do I mean by this? Well, as much as I have always thought that I am pretty settled in the things I want and the things I do in life, I'm just not a settled/settling down kind of person. Really the only constant thing I always seem to need is change. I realized in my ponderings tonight that for over half of my life now, I have not been "settled" into one place (town/house/living arrangement) for longer than 4 years at a time.

Let me explain my thought process, I began with now and worked backwards.

I have been considering a move for a few months now. I won't go into much detail about this except to say that I have updated my resume, written a cover letter, and been looking at houses and apartments online to get idea. In my internal debate about this decision, I have realized that I tend to associate myself with and relate to the idea of the movie "Big Fish" that I am a "big fish" who always needs a contstant flow and change of water to survive. I can't survive in a small pond that keeps me from realizing my potential as a person.

So this thought brought me to the thought about how I crave changes. I don't like things to stay the same all the time. I like to be sporadic and spontaneous. I like to go with the flow and just see where the wind blows me. I'm a dreamer, and I dream of big adventures, not living the movie "Groundhogs Day" where it's the same thing over and over and over and over and over.....

This made me realize that I have been this way my entire life. Always dreaming big. I remember when I was little that I wanted to be an actress because you always got to play different roles and were never the same character. I used to lay in bed at night and write and act out dialogue pretending different scenes. Of course most of them were of me in a hospital b/c I was laid up in the bed, but my point is I was always "dreaming".

This led me to think about my struggle to figure myself out. Obviously from my blog, this has been a constant debate with myself of who I am and what I want and what I want to do in life, etc. I'm always wondering and worrying that I'm not myself. But I realized, that, yeh, I am. I'm just a "big fish" always in need of new and different and exciting things. Changes. Maybe that makes me weird, being a person who always needs change but that's who I am. I know a lot of people are afraid of change and don't like it, but maybe because I've never known any different, it's like breath for me.

I realize even now in my thoughts about the new changes hopefully coming in my life, that those won't be forever either. When I get to the end of my life, I truly want to be able to look back and feel satisfied that I did what I wanted to do, I lived life for everything it had to offer me, and that I made a difference along the way. Maybe at some point, I'll find something/someone that makes me feel settled. Or maybe I'll find someone who is just like me. One of my favorite quotes is from "Sex and the City". It says,  “Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.” I think this quote epitomizes me.

Thanks for supporting this "Big Fish".