Really?

I'll be the first person to tell you I'm not skinny. (I'm really working on not calling myself "fat" anymore). So, anways, I know I'm unskinny. However, I do not like for other people to point this out to me. It's like telling me the sky is blue and the grass is green. I mean, really? I know this!

Today, the Unskinny Girl's worst nightmare came true when I heard these words. "So, how far along are you?"

REALLY?.....I MEAN, REALLY?!?!?! 

Oh, but it didn't stop there. I politely said, "Oh, I'm not!" To which this person replies, "Oh, I mean how far along are you in your pregnancy?"

AGAIN.....REALLY?!?!?! I again, nicely, but more forcibly reply, "I'm not pregnant, but my friend is" (as I point toward my friend.

This "special" person (and I say special because at this point you just know their brain has fallen out of their head) says, "Oh, I know she's expecting, but when are you due?"

At this point I just turned around and walked off. It was all I could do to keep from crying and throwing up all at the same time. I know I'm "unskinny," but GOOD GRIEF! I'm trying (I could always try harder), but I'm trying and working at eating healthier and working out. I hate to think that people actually look at me and think I'm pregnant when I'm not!

So I went to Zumba tonight and busted my butt to work out hard. I was sweating like a pig and feel great from it. Tomorrow, I will eat like a bird and work out when I get home. I. Will. Not. Be. Unskinny. Anymore!

Sad Eyes and Sliding Doors

Have any of you ever seen the movie "Sliding Doors" with Gweneth Paltrow? I had to watch it in a Sociology class that I took in college and, honestly, it was the best class I had that semester. I really liked the movie and related to it. I've always had a "what if" mentality about life. What if I didn't get stuck behind that slow driver? What if I hadn't been at that particular place at that particular time? What if I had grown up skinny instead of bigger? What if my parents hadn't shown me that I was worth something even though I was bigger than other children? What if my parents didnt teach me to exude self-confidence for who I am, rather than to worry about who I'm not?

I have wondered these last question all of my life. How would my life have been different if I had grown up a size 2 instead of a 10 or 16? Would I have met the "love of my life" at age 16, gotten married out of high school, and be sitting here writing about my 5 kids, 3 dogs, and 2 cats? Would I be as outgoing and independent? Would I be conceited about my looks? Would I be anything like the me that I am today?

I also have wondered how my life would have been different if my parents hadn't loved me enough to help me see that I am worth something even though I'm bigger. I honestly believe my parents and sister are the reason I am who I am and the way I am today. I've said before how supportive and loving they are of me and always have been. I am eternally grateful for that.

Although I never thought I would, I have now seen a glimpse of what I think I would have been like if I hadn't had the supportive and loving family that I do. It's hard to explain the sad soul that you see in the eyes of someone who has been "beaten down" by their loved ones. How can you ever tell a child that they are ugly, fat, worthless? Maybe it's because I know how it is to be the big kid in class, but I can relate. I know the demons that are in their head. I know how conscious they are about their weight. I know how, even though they may be the prettiest person in the room, being big makes you feel the ugliest.

But to actually see the eyes of someone who doesn't have a mother at home who tells you to ignore the taunts by mean boys and girls because you are beautiful....that breaks my soul. Because that could have been me. The look in the eyes haunt me because the sad look that you see in them makes your soul cry for the pain you know they feel.

I will always remember the ugly things kids said to me when I was in school. I'll never forget being called Buffalo Butt in 2nd grade.Teasing doesnt end in elementary school, I've even had grown-ups make ugly comments to me when I was shopping for bridesmaid dresses for my sister's and friends' weddings. So, I KNOW how a child who is teased about their weight feels.

I chose my profession because I want to make a difference in someone's life. Hopefully, I can make a difference in many lives. But if I can make a difference in just one, I will have succeeded. My goal is to make those sad eyes KNOW that they are loved by someone who's been in their shoes; To make those sad eyes understand that no matter what you look like on the outside, or what people say about you, or what people call you, YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL; To make those sad eyes always smile because they know they are worth everything they wish and dream for in life.

I want to be at the "sliding door" for Sad Eyes. I want to help them see the possibilities of a life lived knowing they are wonderful being who they are. I want YOU to make a concerted effort to encourage yourself and anyone you know to be kind to big people. You could be the door to change in their life.

Buh-bye 2 pounds!

Oh yay-uh! So, I'm sure it's water weight and blah blah blah, but 2 pounds gone is 2 pounds gone! woooooooo hooooooooo! I tell you what, seeing the numbers go down on the scale always seems to be the biggest motivation I need. I'm not going to lie, I haven't being a huge stickler with the food part or even the working out part, but I guess doing a little of both combined to get started can really get ya going. So, now my goals for this week are to remember to take a multi-vitamin every day, drink more water, continue eating better, and working out (like me time kind of working out, not just walking the dogs) at least 3 times this week. I can do it. Shoot, 2 pounds is just the one small step I need get on it! Woooooo hoooooooooo!!!

Day 2

Getting better. I will admit but that I went over my daily allotment for points, but not by much (like 1 or 2). AND....drumroll please.....I went to Zumba!!!! I could have made every excuse under the sun not to go, like I was tired when I got home, the dogs wanted me to stay, I didnt want to drive that far. But I went, and had a blast. I really really REALLY have missed going. I made a pact with my friend Leslie to go every Monday and Wednesday (when Annette the greatest Zumba instructor teaches). Of course, they will be closed this Monday for Labor Day, so I have to wait a week to go again, but I'm so pumped about it.

I can't believe I was as nervous as I was to go because the last time I was there I was skinny (ok, really just smaller than I am now). I didnt want to see all my jiggly parts jiggling in the mirror, so I refused to look at myself while I danced but at least I felt like I was doing it right and I had fun! haha!

So now, tomorrow, my goal is to do really well on the "points" and walk or work out when I get home. I can do this!
P.S. Thanks for all of the support from my friends and readers! It's definitely encouraging to know I have so many people wishing me well.