I have become consumed by my weight. I mean, before (when I was super fat) it was not constantly on my mind, but now it seems to be all I think of. I find myself obsessed with looking in a mirror, turning sideways to see how big my fat rolls look that day, and then flattening the fat roll to see what it might look like one day if the fat roll was gone.

I hate being this way. This is part of the not me feeling I feel I am having. I was never obsessed with how I looked until I lost weight. Now, it's like it's not enough. I always said I was losing weight to get healthy, looks weren't important, but somewhere along the way looks have become a part of it. Somedays I look at myself and see the super fat version of me before I lost any weight. Somedays I see the real version, and then somedays I see the future version of me (the nice and skinny person).

I was thinking today about what will satisfy me in thinking I am skinny. Two major things came to mind: #1- I wouldn't have a fat roll (I'm talking like you can't grab or pinch the middle of my torso at all) and #2 - my thighs wouldnt touch each other ever unless I cross my legs.

Then another thought came to me tonight when I was outside. When I started losing weight my goal was to get healthy...what if I am healthy now? I mean, I know that having fat on you isn't great for you, but I don't feel like I'm just screaming future heart attack. I feel healthy on the inside and out whether I look it or not. I have great blood pressure, heart rate, cholesterol, etc. So, then is losing more weight about health or looks....UGH! I think way too much about things.

Another problem I have is eating (obviously since I'm Phatty McPhatterson). Anyways, I can do really really good all day until I leave school. It's like part of my routine and habit to have small portions and healthy food for breakfast, snack, and lunch. And I drink over half of your daily suggested amount of water while I'm at school. But then, 3:30 comes and I head home and it's TERRIBLE! My problem is that there is nothing that I want to eat that I feel would satisfy me. I don't want to eat dinner because nothing appeals to me, so I wind up eating things I don't want. And still none of it tastes good. I wind up throwing most of it away, BUT I'm still not losing weight.

:(

Goals

I changed my weight loss ticker. I decided to set a more realistic goal weight for myself. I've never been skinny, so I have no idea what my best weight will be (other than not fat). So, I figured I'd see what I think of myself at the new goal weight and then readjust if I think a couple more pounds off would be better.

That said, I think I have come up with some incentives and mini goals for myself.
Mini Goal #1: to see a 1 as the beginning number of my weight by April 13 (my birthday)
Incentive for Mini Goal #1: the new camera lense I've been saving up for. I've decided not to let myself buy it until I see the 1....and I really want it for my birthday so there I go

Mini Goal #2: to lose a total of 25 pounds by the end of May.
Incentive for Mini Goal #2: don't have one yet...give me some ideas

Big Goal #3: to reach my goal weight and evaluate how great I look and if I need to lose more
Incentive for Big Goal: if the "girls" haven't shrunk enough to not make me look like a tree with two huge beehives hanging from the top, they are getting reduced. My back and neck can't handle the weight anymore, but I don't want to have it done until I'm smaller, so they don't wind up looking funky if I lose more weight.


So, I'm going to weigh tomorrow and see if I've lost any more weight. I've been doing really good the past couple of days eating and exercising the way I should, so hopefully I can update my weightloss ticker again tomorrow.

Weight Woes and a Moral

I've been reading some of my friends' blogs and I find it interesting that we all seem to be on the same wagon (the weight-loss wagon), kind of like on Oregon Trail. It seems like right now we are all forging the river (Weight River) and our covered wagon has tipped over and we've fallen out.

I've not been doing so well on the getting healthy business. I haven't been watching what I eat (unless you count watching it go from my plate to my mouth). I haven't worked out since.....ummmm.....I think last Tuesday, no maybe it was Monday....I can't remember. Anyways, it's so funny how you can be going along so well, and you decide you'll take ONE day off of working out, and that leads to a week off. And while on hiatus from working out, you decide you'll eat a bowl of ice cream, which, over the course of the week, turns into a whole carton of ice cream.

It's so easy to swim down that Weight River when you've fallen out of the comfy covered wagon instead of immediately getting out of the water, drying off, and forging ahead on our journey to lose weight. BUT, eventually your skin turns pruney (or stretched out from fat) and you have to get out and get back on the trail. SO, I've been getting back into eating better. Much better healthier lunches, lots more water. I am heading back to the gym tomorrow. I can get over this hump and get back in a routine. I can and I will!

On a sweet note, today for Read Across America week, we dressed up as favorite Dr. Seuss characters. I dressed up as Gertrude McFuzz because all I had to do was run some feather boas through my belt loops as a feather tail. For anyone who hasn't read her story, Gertrude McFuzz is a bird who only has one tail feather and is jealous of another bird who has two. So she takes some magic pill berry and grows an extra feather, then she eats more and more of the pill berries and has this big, beautiful long tail. But the problem is it's way too much for her and she can't move.

I've taught my kids that most of Dr. Seuss' stories have a moral. I asked them what they thought the moral of the story was and they all decided that it was that you should be happy with yourself the way you are and to not worry about what someone else has. I mean, these are some smart kiddos! Talk about throwing water in your face to wake you up to your own situation. When I picked Gertrude to dress up as, I never really thought about her story, but hearing an innocent 7 and 8 year old tell you to just be happy being yourself....wow! How can you not listen? So, I obviously need to look past what I was writing last night (the previous whiney blog) and just be happy with me as me and not worry about what other people have that I wish I had.

Yeh, ok, time to drink some water.

Where did I go?

I'm having a really hard time. I don't feel like myself anymore. I haven't felt that way for a long time. I really can't tell whether I'm just not feeling like my true self, or if I have changed into someone different.  I feel like, normally, I am a genuinely happy person, but lately I feel like the saddest person in the world. Yes, there are many things in my life that make me happy and events that have occured that I am happy about. I am happy for my friends and family who have had great life changes over the past year. But at the same time I feel sorry for myself. And that is just not the me I've always known.

I dont know what has changed to make me feel this way. I dont know if it's just a part of growing up and getting older and feeling more responsibility and stuff, but I don't like it. I don't like the person I am right now. I'm not happy with the way things are going for myself. I am very pessimistic about my own situations, whereas I used to be a very optimistic person. I am doing nothing and have nothing right now that I thought I would have at this point in my life and that bothers me. I have always wanted a husband and kids more than anything. I pray for them all the time. Of course, these things that I want are beyond my own control, but it's frustrating just the same.

What's even more frustrating is when I try to talk about these feelings and wants and all anyone can say is "your time will come. Someone is out there for you and you'll meet and get married and have babies, and blah blah blah." Really? How do you know? Did God come to you and tell you this? Did you talk in person and He told you that he's sending me someone? Did he give you a ballpark figure about when that is? That's what I want  to say to them, but I'm too nice a person to say it to their face when someone says that because I know they are just trying to make me feel better. But really, it's just a false sense of hope for me. It's like telling a kid that Santa and the Tooth Fairy are real for them to only find out when they are in 3rd grade that it was all a big, fat lie. And honestly, I've gotten to the point where I just don't believe it anymore.

I think these issues are part of my weight problem. Well, I know they are and always have been. I think about these things, it makes me sad, which leads me to try to find comfort in food that is not good for me. That's what I've always done. And the sadder I am about not having what I want, the fatter I get which definitely does not help attract a husband. I can't believe I'm even writing about this, but I really feel this is the issue holds me back from losing weight. And I know that it really is all part of my own mentality about the situations. I'm just being a whiney baby who isn't getting her way.

Oh well, there are always people with worse problems than my own. I am very thankful for the things I do have and the wonderful people I have in my life. I'm just having a funky kind of day.