Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I have become consumed by my weight. I mean, before (when I was super fat) it was not constantly on my mind, but now it seems to be all I think of. I find myself obsessed with looking in a mirror, turning sideways to see how big my fat rolls look that day, and then flattening the fat roll to see what it might look like one day if the fat roll was gone.

I hate being this way. This is part of the not me feeling I feel I am having. I was never obsessed with how I looked until I lost weight. Now, it's like it's not enough. I always said I was losing weight to get healthy, looks weren't important, but somewhere along the way looks have become a part of it. Somedays I look at myself and see the super fat version of me before I lost any weight. Somedays I see the real version, and then somedays I see the future version of me (the nice and skinny person).

I was thinking today about what will satisfy me in thinking I am skinny. Two major things came to mind: #1- I wouldn't have a fat roll (I'm talking like you can't grab or pinch the middle of my torso at all) and #2 - my thighs wouldnt touch each other ever unless I cross my legs.

Then another thought came to me tonight when I was outside. When I started losing weight my goal was to get healthy...what if I am healthy now? I mean, I know that having fat on you isn't great for you, but I don't feel like I'm just screaming future heart attack. I feel healthy on the inside and out whether I look it or not. I have great blood pressure, heart rate, cholesterol, etc. So, then is losing more weight about health or looks....UGH! I think way too much about things.

Another problem I have is eating (obviously since I'm Phatty McPhatterson). Anyways, I can do really really good all day until I leave school. It's like part of my routine and habit to have small portions and healthy food for breakfast, snack, and lunch. And I drink over half of your daily suggested amount of water while I'm at school. But then, 3:30 comes and I head home and it's TERRIBLE! My problem is that there is nothing that I want to eat that I feel would satisfy me. I don't want to eat dinner because nothing appeals to me, so I wind up eating things I don't want. And still none of it tastes good. I wind up throwing most of it away, BUT I'm still not losing weight.

:(
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2 comments:

  1. JulieMarch 11, 2010 at 8:45 AM

    Have you considered talking to a weight loss counselor? I know that you'd probably have to pay for that kind of service but if it helps you get to the bottom of your problems, it might be worth it.

    Obviously, I'm no counselor or expert, but I think losing weight needs to be something you want to do for yourself and not because other people expect it. Don't contemplate too hard on the "what ifs" or the future. One of my favorite quotes is "If you're living with one foot in the past and one foot in the future, then you're crapping on the present".

    As your friend, more than anything, I want you to be happy. If you're content with your weight now, I say that's great! Take a break from the obsession and enjoy your life as it is.

    And for the record, I've never seen you as a "fat person". You've always been my good friend with a great personality and a big heart. I'll always see you that way, no matter your size.

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  2. tracyApril 8, 2010 at 9:19 AM

    hi- i've been a bit of a lurker for a while. i'm an old OPA'er that found you via that Hollis girl.

    word of advice from a chunky girl who has done the gain/loose/gain/loose/gain thing over and over. i'm currently on the "gain" side of things now, btw. the rolls never really do go away. now, maybe if you loose enough and turn into a skinny-minny, they might be gone - but i still had fleshy rolls after my last big weight loss that got me *almost* to a size 10 (which is like 7th grade size for me). you are younger than me, so your skin will be more elastic and more apt to bounce back, but be aware that you might still have some rolls, even if the scale reads what you want it to read.

    this is not meant to discourage you. actively eating healthy and exercising and loosing excess weight is good for you, no matter what. the best advice i can give you, i think ... is to DO THIS FOR YOURSELF. don't do it for a guy or for your family or for anyone else. YOU are the important one in this battle, and you deserve the spoils of your fight.

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