So, I went to the doctor today to talk to the pulmonologist about the nodule (spot) that was found on my lung. He was a super great doctor. He told me that he's not overly concerned about the nodule. That it is very common in people who grew up in Middle Tennessee because of the stuff in the environment and the air around here. He does want me to go get a chest CT to compare it and then go back in another 6 months from then to get another CT and if the nodule hasn't changed then I'm good to go. But he made me feel good about it.
The BEST news was he told me why my side hurts! This is the mystery that my other idiotic, uncaring doctor has been unable to answer for 3 months. He asked me what brought me to him and I went through the story and he asked me to show him where it hurts. As soon as I pointed to it, he touched where it hurts and told me what it was. He even drew a picture to describe it. Basically, the muscles that touch your ribcage are layered over each other like a woven basket. And he said the big long medical term for whatever it is, but pretty much he said that those muscles are irritated/inflamed and that's why it hurts all the time because it can't heal it. So he told me what to do ease the pain and said once that happens, it should be better. Wooo hoo!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Wedding thoughts
Woo hoo! I'm blogging again!
So, my current thought is about weddings. I helped my cousin's wife photograph a wedding this weekend. I had a blast helping and enjoyed going to the wedding and reception. I actually like going to weddings and seeing how different, unique and couple centered they are. I LOVE when a wedding and reception is a complete reflection of the couple and what they like and what their personalities are like. I've been to a lot of memorable and great weddings.
But then I started thinking about all of the weddings I've attended and been in.. A wedding is about two people become one (cliche' but you get my meaning). But how much time do the "2 become 1" actually spend together on "their" day. First, they each spend all day getting ready with their friends (not seeing each other). Then there's the wedding where they get to see each other for the first time. (Maybe 20 minutes). Then immediately after the wedding they'll take pictures together and with family. (Maybe another 30 minutes). Then they hit the reception together to cut the cake. (10 minutes). After they cut the cake, they disperse to meet and greet the people that came to see "them" on "their" special day. So, so far, on "their" day, they've spent an hour together. The whole shindig is about them, but they aren't even together. So then, depending on how long the reception is, they won't get to celebrate until later in the evening/night.
Now, I am not against weddings and I'm not saying anything bad against people who have weddings because everyone likes different things. And I love being privileged enough to be invited or asked to be in weddings. So please don't take anything I say to heart or in offense.
Maybe I say this because I know if I ever got married, I'd be the one paying for it since I'm "past my prime", so to speak in the South .But over the last 28 years of attending and being in weddings, I've pretty much decided I don't want a "wedding." For my personal feelings, I cannot justify spending boo coos of money on a 20 minute memory. The whole point in a wedding is that you are getting married. I want that to mean more than stressful planning and money spending. I'd be happy wearing overalls and flip flops instead of a big elaborate dress I'll only wear once in my life.
IF I ever get married, I don't want to have a big, elaborate wedding ceremony. I'd be completely happy having my immediate family stand there at the courthouse to witness me getting hitched in the morning (because you gotta have witnesses), spending the day with my hubby (because it's "our" day), and THEN having a HUGE reception that night with everyone who wants to celebrate our marriage (not our wedding).
Maybe I've just become cynical, but that is what would make my "wedding" day most like me and what I like: private and intimate focusing on the most important thing (marriage) and super fun and exciting and happy celebrating two people who are completely in love with each other and starting the rest of their lives as 1 (the reception).
So, my current thought is about weddings. I helped my cousin's wife photograph a wedding this weekend. I had a blast helping and enjoyed going to the wedding and reception. I actually like going to weddings and seeing how different, unique and couple centered they are. I LOVE when a wedding and reception is a complete reflection of the couple and what they like and what their personalities are like. I've been to a lot of memorable and great weddings.
But then I started thinking about all of the weddings I've attended and been in.. A wedding is about two people become one (cliche' but you get my meaning). But how much time do the "2 become 1" actually spend together on "their" day. First, they each spend all day getting ready with their friends (not seeing each other). Then there's the wedding where they get to see each other for the first time. (Maybe 20 minutes). Then immediately after the wedding they'll take pictures together and with family. (Maybe another 30 minutes). Then they hit the reception together to cut the cake. (10 minutes). After they cut the cake, they disperse to meet and greet the people that came to see "them" on "their" special day. So, so far, on "their" day, they've spent an hour together. The whole shindig is about them, but they aren't even together. So then, depending on how long the reception is, they won't get to celebrate until later in the evening/night.
Now, I am not against weddings and I'm not saying anything bad against people who have weddings because everyone likes different things. And I love being privileged enough to be invited or asked to be in weddings. So please don't take anything I say to heart or in offense.
Maybe I say this because I know if I ever got married, I'd be the one paying for it since I'm "past my prime", so to speak in the South .But over the last 28 years of attending and being in weddings, I've pretty much decided I don't want a "wedding." For my personal feelings, I cannot justify spending boo coos of money on a 20 minute memory. The whole point in a wedding is that you are getting married. I want that to mean more than stressful planning and money spending. I'd be happy wearing overalls and flip flops instead of a big elaborate dress I'll only wear once in my life.
IF I ever get married, I don't want to have a big, elaborate wedding ceremony. I'd be completely happy having my immediate family stand there at the courthouse to witness me getting hitched in the morning (because you gotta have witnesses), spending the day with my hubby (because it's "our" day), and THEN having a HUGE reception that night with everyone who wants to celebrate our marriage (not our wedding).
Maybe I've just become cynical, but that is what would make my "wedding" day most like me and what I like: private and intimate focusing on the most important thing (marriage) and super fun and exciting and happy celebrating two people who are completely in love with each other and starting the rest of their lives as 1 (the reception).
Thursday, July 1, 2010
This pain in my side has become a pain in the butt
Almost 3 months ago, I woke up nauseous with my left side hurting right under my rib cage. I also could feel a bulge. It hurt bad enough and I felt sick enough that I had my dad get me an doctor's appointment first thing Monday. I went and the doctor was clueless. She had blood work, an x-ray, and an ultrasound scheduled and gave me some Pepcid to see if it would help. Nothing helped and all of the tests came back normal.
I went back 3 weeks later for a check up and it wasn't any better. She gave me 800 mg Ibuprofen to see if that would help and told me to come back in a month. It didn't do anything to help. Nothing makes it feel better. I went back a month later and she scheduled a CT on my side, all the while saying that she doesn't think it'll show anything.
I had a CT on June 21 where I had to drink nasty barium sulphate and have an IV with dye in it. The technician told me that the doctor would have the results within a day and if I didn't hear from the soon to call them. I finally called them yesterday and when they didn't call me with my results, I called them back today. They had my doctor call me with the results. This is where my OMG, I'm scaredness began.
She said that the CT showed that I had evidence of having diverticulitis/diverticulosis. She said it looked like I have scarring where I've had it, but it's fine. She said she doesn't think this is why my side has been hurting. I hear this and think, ok, not the best, but it's ok. I'm not freaking out.
Then she said the CT also shows that I have a small hiatal hernia. I think, ok, a hernia, I figured. I'm still not freaking out. Just glad to know I haven't been making up ailments that she obviously thinks I'm lying about. I looked up hiatal hernias and I DEFINITELY have one. It explains the excessive belching and burping I have, the hiccups after I eat, and the acid reflux I have. Starting now, I am on a strict diet. I am giving up cokes of all kinds. It's something you can live with, but to ease the symptoms of it you (and when I say you, I mean I) need to lose weight, stop drinking and eating acidic foods, etc. BTW she also said she doesnt think this is why my side has been hurting.
Now here is where the OMG, I'm scaredness begins. She tells me not to panic because CT scans have become so advanced that they are able to find the smallest things now and it's probably nothing, BUT my CT showed a 1 centimeter pulmonary nodule. "I'm sorry, excuse me, what does that mean?" I ask. She says that it's a spot on my lung and more often than not they are benign, but that she is referring me to a pulmonologist who will monitor it, check it out, and see if it's something that needs attention.
First of all, ANYTHING that shouldnt be in my body but is in my body needs attention! Second of all, why the bleepedy bleep did you not call me a week ago when you had the results!?!?! I know you had the results! This has been going on for 3 months!!!!!! I know there are worse things that happen to other people, but this is happening to me and right now I'm just freaking out. I looked up what it means and everything I read is not good to me because I freak out when I read anything that says malignant. So, I'm not letting myself look up anything else until I see the doctor on the 13th. Surely it's nothing BUT like I said anything that shouldn't be there doesn't make me a happy person.
P.S. She also doesn't think this is why my side hurts. So basically, I'm finding a new doctor.
Deep breaths and prayer! That's what I'm sticking to until I know more.
I went back 3 weeks later for a check up and it wasn't any better. She gave me 800 mg Ibuprofen to see if that would help and told me to come back in a month. It didn't do anything to help. Nothing makes it feel better. I went back a month later and she scheduled a CT on my side, all the while saying that she doesn't think it'll show anything.
I had a CT on June 21 where I had to drink nasty barium sulphate and have an IV with dye in it. The technician told me that the doctor would have the results within a day and if I didn't hear from the soon to call them. I finally called them yesterday and when they didn't call me with my results, I called them back today. They had my doctor call me with the results. This is where my OMG, I'm scaredness began.
She said that the CT showed that I had evidence of having diverticulitis/diverticulosis. She said it looked like I have scarring where I've had it, but it's fine. She said she doesn't think this is why my side has been hurting. I hear this and think, ok, not the best, but it's ok. I'm not freaking out.
Then she said the CT also shows that I have a small hiatal hernia. I think, ok, a hernia, I figured. I'm still not freaking out. Just glad to know I haven't been making up ailments that she obviously thinks I'm lying about. I looked up hiatal hernias and I DEFINITELY have one. It explains the excessive belching and burping I have, the hiccups after I eat, and the acid reflux I have. Starting now, I am on a strict diet. I am giving up cokes of all kinds. It's something you can live with, but to ease the symptoms of it you (and when I say you, I mean I) need to lose weight, stop drinking and eating acidic foods, etc. BTW she also said she doesnt think this is why my side has been hurting.
Now here is where the OMG, I'm scaredness begins. She tells me not to panic because CT scans have become so advanced that they are able to find the smallest things now and it's probably nothing, BUT my CT showed a 1 centimeter pulmonary nodule. "I'm sorry, excuse me, what does that mean?" I ask. She says that it's a spot on my lung and more often than not they are benign, but that she is referring me to a pulmonologist who will monitor it, check it out, and see if it's something that needs attention.
First of all, ANYTHING that shouldnt be in my body but is in my body needs attention! Second of all, why the bleepedy bleep did you not call me a week ago when you had the results!?!?! I know you had the results! This has been going on for 3 months!!!!!! I know there are worse things that happen to other people, but this is happening to me and right now I'm just freaking out. I looked up what it means and everything I read is not good to me because I freak out when I read anything that says malignant. So, I'm not letting myself look up anything else until I see the doctor on the 13th. Surely it's nothing BUT like I said anything that shouldn't be there doesn't make me a happy person.
P.S. She also doesn't think this is why my side hurts. So basically, I'm finding a new doctor.
Deep breaths and prayer! That's what I'm sticking to until I know more.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Dear Mr. Heimlich, Thank you for your Maneuver!
My dad and I went to Cracker Barrel last night to have dinner. We were both almost finished eating and I was telling him about a story I saw on the news about Belle Meade Mansion as he was taking the last bite of food from his plate. For some reason, which I still can't remember, I looked at him and he had this really weird look on his face. I stopped mid-sentence of my story and asked him if he was ok. He shook his head hard that he wasn't. So I asked if he was choking and he shook his head yes.
Now, my Daddy is my Daddy. And we all know that nothing bad ever happens to MY Daddy because everyone knows that my Daddy is invincible. There are no words to describe the panicked look my dad had on his face. You could tell he was serious by the look in his eyes. He was worried.
As soon as he shook his head that he was choking, I was out of my seat, yanking him out of his seat. I wrapped my arms around him to start the Heimlich. My dad is a good 6 inches taller than me, so I misplaced my hands at first, but he slid them up where they should be and I started the Heimlich. I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to do it and help him. I started the Heimlich, I probably pumped 5 times before it dislodged the food. After the 3rd pump, I screamed for someone to help us because everyone was just staring. The manager literally just stood in front of the fireplace with his mouth gapped open watching us.
Thankfully, the food came out. As soon as it did, my dad sat back down and drank some tea. He is extremely shy and hates to have attention on him, so just having to stand up for him to have the Heimlich performed was torture enough on him. What had happened was that he took a bite of fish and bite of cornbread. The cornbread was very dry and got stuck along with the fish in his throat.
Now, I am a nervous wreck kind of person. So as soon as I knew my Daddy was ok, I went to sit back down. I immediately started crying before I even sat down. I also was shaking so bad I couldn't even hold a napkin to wipe my eyes with. So, what did I do? I started laughing. Why? Because in the face of scary situations or sad situations, I laugh to try to keep from crying. I kept asking him if he was ok because his color in his face was a greyish color, but it eventually went back to normal. And of course, he acted like nothing had ever happened because that's my Daddy and he doesn't dwell on anything.
It really was the scariest thing I have ever had to be involved in. I also hope it NEVER happens again with anyone I know. I'm glad I knew what to do and had the instinct to do it immediately without thinking, but I sincerely hope I never have to be in a life or death situation like that again.
Now, my Daddy is my Daddy. And we all know that nothing bad ever happens to MY Daddy because everyone knows that my Daddy is invincible. There are no words to describe the panicked look my dad had on his face. You could tell he was serious by the look in his eyes. He was worried.
As soon as he shook his head that he was choking, I was out of my seat, yanking him out of his seat. I wrapped my arms around him to start the Heimlich. My dad is a good 6 inches taller than me, so I misplaced my hands at first, but he slid them up where they should be and I started the Heimlich. I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to do it and help him. I started the Heimlich, I probably pumped 5 times before it dislodged the food. After the 3rd pump, I screamed for someone to help us because everyone was just staring. The manager literally just stood in front of the fireplace with his mouth gapped open watching us.
Thankfully, the food came out. As soon as it did, my dad sat back down and drank some tea. He is extremely shy and hates to have attention on him, so just having to stand up for him to have the Heimlich performed was torture enough on him. What had happened was that he took a bite of fish and bite of cornbread. The cornbread was very dry and got stuck along with the fish in his throat.
Now, I am a nervous wreck kind of person. So as soon as I knew my Daddy was ok, I went to sit back down. I immediately started crying before I even sat down. I also was shaking so bad I couldn't even hold a napkin to wipe my eyes with. So, what did I do? I started laughing. Why? Because in the face of scary situations or sad situations, I laugh to try to keep from crying. I kept asking him if he was ok because his color in his face was a greyish color, but it eventually went back to normal. And of course, he acted like nothing had ever happened because that's my Daddy and he doesn't dwell on anything.
It really was the scariest thing I have ever had to be involved in. I also hope it NEVER happens again with anyone I know. I'm glad I knew what to do and had the instinct to do it immediately without thinking, but I sincerely hope I never have to be in a life or death situation like that again.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I'm a Big Fish
So, it's 10:45 pm and I should be asleep. I went to bed 45 minutes ago because I have bus duty this week, which means getting up earlier to be at school earlier, but, of course, my brain is in overdrive and won't shut off, so maybe the best way to help it shut down for the night is to blog out some thoughts. (Wow, what a run-on sentence!)
Anywho, as I lay in my bed for 45 minutes thinking tonight, I have come to the conclusion that I am an unsettled person. What do I mean by this? Well, as much as I have always thought that I am pretty settled in the things I want and the things I do in life, I'm just not a settled/settling down kind of person. Really the only constant thing I always seem to need is change. I realized in my ponderings tonight that for over half of my life now, I have not been "settled" into one place (town/house/living arrangement) for longer than 4 years at a time.
Let me explain my thought process, I began with now and worked backwards.
I have been considering a move for a few months now. I won't go into much detail about this except to say that I have updated my resume, written a cover letter, and been looking at houses and apartments online to get idea. In my internal debate about this decision, I have realized that I tend to associate myself with and relate to the idea of the movie "Big Fish" that I am a "big fish" who always needs a contstant flow and change of water to survive. I can't survive in a small pond that keeps me from realizing my potential as a person.
So this thought brought me to the thought about how I crave changes. I don't like things to stay the same all the time. I like to be sporadic and spontaneous. I like to go with the flow and just see where the wind blows me. I'm a dreamer, and I dream of big adventures, not living the movie "Groundhogs Day" where it's the same thing over and over and over and over and over.....
This made me realize that I have been this way my entire life. Always dreaming big. I remember when I was little that I wanted to be an actress because you always got to play different roles and were never the same character. I used to lay in bed at night and write and act out dialogue pretending different scenes. Of course most of them were of me in a hospital b/c I was laid up in the bed, but my point is I was always "dreaming".
This led me to think about my struggle to figure myself out. Obviously from my blog, this has been a constant debate with myself of who I am and what I want and what I want to do in life, etc. I'm always wondering and worrying that I'm not myself. But I realized, that, yeh, I am. I'm just a "big fish" always in need of new and different and exciting things. Changes. Maybe that makes me weird, being a person who always needs change but that's who I am. I know a lot of people are afraid of change and don't like it, but maybe because I've never known any different, it's like breath for me.
I realize even now in my thoughts about the new changes hopefully coming in my life, that those won't be forever either. When I get to the end of my life, I truly want to be able to look back and feel satisfied that I did what I wanted to do, I lived life for everything it had to offer me, and that I made a difference along the way. Maybe at some point, I'll find something/someone that makes me feel settled. Or maybe I'll find someone who is just like me. One of my favorite quotes is from "Sex and the City". It says, “Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.” I think this quote epitomizes me.
Thanks for supporting this "Big Fish".
Anywho, as I lay in my bed for 45 minutes thinking tonight, I have come to the conclusion that I am an unsettled person. What do I mean by this? Well, as much as I have always thought that I am pretty settled in the things I want and the things I do in life, I'm just not a settled/settling down kind of person. Really the only constant thing I always seem to need is change. I realized in my ponderings tonight that for over half of my life now, I have not been "settled" into one place (town/house/living arrangement) for longer than 4 years at a time.
Let me explain my thought process, I began with now and worked backwards.
I have been considering a move for a few months now. I won't go into much detail about this except to say that I have updated my resume, written a cover letter, and been looking at houses and apartments online to get idea. In my internal debate about this decision, I have realized that I tend to associate myself with and relate to the idea of the movie "Big Fish" that I am a "big fish" who always needs a contstant flow and change of water to survive. I can't survive in a small pond that keeps me from realizing my potential as a person.
So this thought brought me to the thought about how I crave changes. I don't like things to stay the same all the time. I like to be sporadic and spontaneous. I like to go with the flow and just see where the wind blows me. I'm a dreamer, and I dream of big adventures, not living the movie "Groundhogs Day" where it's the same thing over and over and over and over and over.....
This made me realize that I have been this way my entire life. Always dreaming big. I remember when I was little that I wanted to be an actress because you always got to play different roles and were never the same character. I used to lay in bed at night and write and act out dialogue pretending different scenes. Of course most of them were of me in a hospital b/c I was laid up in the bed, but my point is I was always "dreaming".
This led me to think about my struggle to figure myself out. Obviously from my blog, this has been a constant debate with myself of who I am and what I want and what I want to do in life, etc. I'm always wondering and worrying that I'm not myself. But I realized, that, yeh, I am. I'm just a "big fish" always in need of new and different and exciting things. Changes. Maybe that makes me weird, being a person who always needs change but that's who I am. I know a lot of people are afraid of change and don't like it, but maybe because I've never known any different, it's like breath for me.
I realize even now in my thoughts about the new changes hopefully coming in my life, that those won't be forever either. When I get to the end of my life, I truly want to be able to look back and feel satisfied that I did what I wanted to do, I lived life for everything it had to offer me, and that I made a difference along the way. Maybe at some point, I'll find something/someone that makes me feel settled. Or maybe I'll find someone who is just like me. One of my favorite quotes is from "Sex and the City". It says, “Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.” I think this quote epitomizes me.
Thanks for supporting this "Big Fish".
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Sorry it's been so long
I dont know where the time seems to go. I mean, lately when I've been at work it draaaaagggssss by, but im looking on here and realize it's been way over a month since I wrote anything and omg, I don't know why. You know me I always have a lot to say.
Anywho, I have successfully quit worrying about my weight so much. Honestly, it's a relief. I love myself. I like myself. Do I want to be chunky with fat rolls? No, but am I still a happy person? Yes! Do I care what others think? Not so much. If you don't love me for my personality, then you don't love me. Period.
Part of my not so upsettedness about not working out so much is because I have been having a bad pain in my left side with nausea. I went to the doctor and everything (that means I'm really in a lot of pain b/c I NEVER go to the doctor). They did bloodwork and xrays. They called and said those were fine. I had an ultrasound done on Friday, but still haven't heard the official results from them. The ultrasound guy said he didnt see anything, but I want to know what the dr. says.
So with that being said, I haven't been able to work out much. :( And because I'm still having the pain, I've decided I don't feel it would be smart to do the Country Music Half Marathon.....That makes me sad but there's always next year. I'm hoping I'll be good to go for my monthly 5k in May. I'm looking at doing Ellie's Run for Africa on May 22. Who wants to join?
Anywho, I have successfully quit worrying about my weight so much. Honestly, it's a relief. I love myself. I like myself. Do I want to be chunky with fat rolls? No, but am I still a happy person? Yes! Do I care what others think? Not so much. If you don't love me for my personality, then you don't love me. Period.
Part of my not so upsettedness about not working out so much is because I have been having a bad pain in my left side with nausea. I went to the doctor and everything (that means I'm really in a lot of pain b/c I NEVER go to the doctor). They did bloodwork and xrays. They called and said those were fine. I had an ultrasound done on Friday, but still haven't heard the official results from them. The ultrasound guy said he didnt see anything, but I want to know what the dr. says.
So with that being said, I haven't been able to work out much. :( And because I'm still having the pain, I've decided I don't feel it would be smart to do the Country Music Half Marathon.....That makes me sad but there's always next year. I'm hoping I'll be good to go for my monthly 5k in May. I'm looking at doing Ellie's Run for Africa on May 22. Who wants to join?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I have become consumed by my weight. I mean, before (when I was super fat) it was not constantly on my mind, but now it seems to be all I think of. I find myself obsessed with looking in a mirror, turning sideways to see how big my fat rolls look that day, and then flattening the fat roll to see what it might look like one day if the fat roll was gone.
I hate being this way. This is part of the not me feeling I feel I am having. I was never obsessed with how I looked until I lost weight. Now, it's like it's not enough. I always said I was losing weight to get healthy, looks weren't important, but somewhere along the way looks have become a part of it. Somedays I look at myself and see the super fat version of me before I lost any weight. Somedays I see the real version, and then somedays I see the future version of me (the nice and skinny person).
I was thinking today about what will satisfy me in thinking I am skinny. Two major things came to mind: #1- I wouldn't have a fat roll (I'm talking like you can't grab or pinch the middle of my torso at all) and #2 - my thighs wouldnt touch each other ever unless I cross my legs.
Then another thought came to me tonight when I was outside. When I started losing weight my goal was to get healthy...what if I am healthy now? I mean, I know that having fat on you isn't great for you, but I don't feel like I'm just screaming future heart attack. I feel healthy on the inside and out whether I look it or not. I have great blood pressure, heart rate, cholesterol, etc. So, then is losing more weight about health or looks....UGH! I think way too much about things.
Another problem I have is eating (obviously since I'm Phatty McPhatterson). Anyways, I can do really really good all day until I leave school. It's like part of my routine and habit to have small portions and healthy food for breakfast, snack, and lunch. And I drink over half of your daily suggested amount of water while I'm at school. But then, 3:30 comes and I head home and it's TERRIBLE! My problem is that there is nothing that I want to eat that I feel would satisfy me. I don't want to eat dinner because nothing appeals to me, so I wind up eating things I don't want. And still none of it tastes good. I wind up throwing most of it away, BUT I'm still not losing weight.
:(
I hate being this way. This is part of the not me feeling I feel I am having. I was never obsessed with how I looked until I lost weight. Now, it's like it's not enough. I always said I was losing weight to get healthy, looks weren't important, but somewhere along the way looks have become a part of it. Somedays I look at myself and see the super fat version of me before I lost any weight. Somedays I see the real version, and then somedays I see the future version of me (the nice and skinny person).
I was thinking today about what will satisfy me in thinking I am skinny. Two major things came to mind: #1- I wouldn't have a fat roll (I'm talking like you can't grab or pinch the middle of my torso at all) and #2 - my thighs wouldnt touch each other ever unless I cross my legs.
Then another thought came to me tonight when I was outside. When I started losing weight my goal was to get healthy...what if I am healthy now? I mean, I know that having fat on you isn't great for you, but I don't feel like I'm just screaming future heart attack. I feel healthy on the inside and out whether I look it or not. I have great blood pressure, heart rate, cholesterol, etc. So, then is losing more weight about health or looks....UGH! I think way too much about things.
Another problem I have is eating (obviously since I'm Phatty McPhatterson). Anyways, I can do really really good all day until I leave school. It's like part of my routine and habit to have small portions and healthy food for breakfast, snack, and lunch. And I drink over half of your daily suggested amount of water while I'm at school. But then, 3:30 comes and I head home and it's TERRIBLE! My problem is that there is nothing that I want to eat that I feel would satisfy me. I don't want to eat dinner because nothing appeals to me, so I wind up eating things I don't want. And still none of it tastes good. I wind up throwing most of it away, BUT I'm still not losing weight.
:(
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