A Week Worth of Weighting

Haha. That was a little play on a homophone. We've been patiently waiting for baby Cale to arrive. In the meantime, my emotional eating has come out. I have done horrible staying on my plan. However, I haven't gained any weight, which I don't understand but I'll take it.

I am such a thinker. I think (haha) that is one of my biggest problems. I think about things way too much and I overanalyze everything, which leads to my crazy emotions that I have which leads to indulging in food I shouldn't. The worst part is that I know this and still do it.

So one of the things that I have been thinking about this week is my weight (of course). I had this discussion with my mom, my dad, and my sis. According to my "goal weight," I still have 70 pounds to lose. I told my dad this the other night and he asked me where exactly I would lose the 70 pounds from. Now, I look at myself now and wonder the same thing. I mean, I know I am not skinny, but I also don't see that I'm still 70 pounds overweight either. I talked with my sis about it tonight too and she said the same thing. So, I think I'm going to have to change my goal weight. I mean, I want to be skinny but I don't want to look emaciated either.

It was a great week for compliments too. I appreciate all my friends who said something so nice to me. My dad was the funniest. When we were talking about how much I have left to lose and my new pants that I had on he said, "Girl, you're looking good!" My dad, like me, is very blunt, so I know he meant it.

The last thing that I've been thinking about is what I look like now. I know I've talked about it before, but now that I am smaller than I was, I am way more conscious about if I look fat or not. Someone very honestly told me that my only barrier to getting a guy is my weight. Now, I appreciate their honesty, but I still in my soul believe that is not the only reason. That is just their opinion. I can't believe that every man out there will only be attracted to a woman if she is a bean pole, especially when I see women who are bigger than me with a boyfriend. Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I really believe my personality is attractive enough to outweigh (haha) my weight.

So anyways, again I was talking to my sister and I told her that I really love all the compliments that I get about my weight loss. It definitely makes me feel great about myself. But at the same time, do I really look that good? Or do I just look better than I did? People who knew me 50 pounds ago can say I look great b/c I am smaller looking than I was. But what about people who didn't know me 50 pounds ago? Do they look at me and just think, "wow! here's a very confident, happy chubby girl." I mean I am not gonna kid myself and think that I am a skinny beauty queen by any means, but if someone met me now they would not know that I had worked so hard and lost that weight and that I look better.

So then that makes me think again to the comment that my weight is my barrier. Because yes, a man who has never seen me or met me before would not know that I have lost weight and would only see me as a chubby girl and move on. However, the single men that I know and have known me since I was super fat should know me well enough to know my personality and in my dreamer world should be able to look past the chubby girl I am now and be attracted to the super awesome person that I am that is driven to succeed and get healthy.

I don't know. Just some thoughts I keep tossing back and forth. I promise I am not in a sad mood about it. I understand you can't make someone like you or be attracted to you or love you. I'm not worried about it. And I'm not going to quit being a dreamer and thinking that there are guys out there who don't let the physical look outweigh the personality of a person.

Shrinking and Singledom

Ok. So I've been fat pretty much my entire life. I know my family and friends love me no matter what, so that gives me confidence. Looking at myself and other "overweight" individuals, I have noticed that many of us have something in common. Humor. When you're fat, you want to take people's minds off of how you look, so you grow a personality that will outshine how big you are. You get to the point where you make fun of yourself before anyone else can so it's not funny if they do it. After 27 years, I think I've become pretty good at this. I also believe I have a great personality. I've made the internal more important than the external (which is a good thing I believe).

However, I am learning that the internal is not what gets you noticed or wanted. It's a sad truth. Even at my largest, I realized what guy would want to be with such a wonderful girl who was the size of a cow? So, now I'm 50 pounds lighter and starting to get a complex. I still have a great personality, and I now sort of have a figure. No, I'm not a stick, but I do look better than I did. However, there's still no guy. Now, to me, this means one of two things. I'm either still too fat for a guy to ever want, or there is something majorly wrong with me that I am completely unaware of.

I don't get it. And I really dont think anyone could ever understand what I mean, what I think, or what I feel about this issue. I absolutely HATE to hear people say that God has a plan and He'll put a man in my life when it's time. To me, that is so easy for people who are married, engaged, or have a significant other to say because they are not in my shoes. I swear, I will NEVER tell a single person that EVER if I am ever a not single person. And no, being with someone is not the most important thing in the world, and it does not define me as a person. However, it is something I want. I want to feel wanted and loved by a man. I want to have a significant other. I want to know what it's like to get a phone call just because or a random note saying hi. I want to have plans on a Friday night. I want to have someone who will hug me at the end of a bad day and just take all of the stress of the day out of me. I want someone who I can share all of this love I have bottled up inside of me waiting to get out.

If you know what I'm missing, let me know. But I please ask that you don't tell me it will happens when it's time and all the other PC things people say because I am honestly to the point of thinking that it will never happen for me. And if it's because I'm still chubby, don't tell me that either, because that will just piss me off that people will be that shallow to know I have a great personality, but since I have a spare tire on my waist, I'm not datable. I think that's a sorry excuse.

Sorry, I'm just ill thinking about it. I'm working hard here to lose weight, get healthy, look better and I guess I just thought it would make things easier

You learn something new every day

So, Tuesdays are my nights to talk to my Jenny Craig consultant, which means Tuesdays are my weigh in days. Now I've been doing really good staying on my menu, working out, etc. So, imagine my disappointment when I only lost 1/2 a pound this week! I know it was at least a loss and not a gain, but come on!



So when I was talking to my consultant, I told her that I've been sick the past couple of days and havent felt like eating. When I get a cold like this, I feel full the whole time b/c I can't breathe and all the drainage makes me feel gross. All I want to drink is water too. Well, while I was talking to my consultant she asked me if I had been taking a decongestant. I said yes, trying to get rid of this thing. She told me that decongestants cause weight gain. WHAT!!!!! So, bascially I have been taking this for 3 days to get rid of the nasty cold/allergy thing. So, since I'm sick and just because I can, I'm gonna say I really lost more than just 1/2 a pound! haha

Food...ugh!

My thoughts about food have completely changed. Before (50 pounds ago) I would eat anything and everything to see if I could figure out what I was craving (which was really just an emotional thing). I could and would eat whatever I wanted. If I bought a bag of chips at the store, I would eat every single one in the bag, even if I felt satisfied after a couple of chips. I would eat until I was stuffed and couldn't breathe. And when we would cook supper, my dad would cook enough for about 4 people and we would eat every single bit of it. Now, I blame the clean plate award feeling on Captain D's for that one. Remember when they used to give you a Mickey Mouse sucker if you finished your meal? I think it's a southern thing to eat every single thing on your plate even if you are stuffed. Waste not, want not, right?

I remember a couple of years ago, one of my friends made a comment that life would be so much easier if we didnt have to think about eating or didnt have to eat. Now at the time, I thought that was blasphemy! Not eating!?!? Are you serious!?!?! But a funny thing has happened.....

Since I began Jenny Craig, they teach you to eat until you are satisfied and only to eat because you NEED to, not because you WANT to. I never would have believed that my mentality about food would change, but it has. You pretty much get a schedule of eating breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack to keep your metabolism working all the time to burn off that fat. So, by eating contstantly pretty much, you never feel like you are starving. You eat because you NEED to, not because you are feeling like your stomach will eat your backbone if you don't eat a hamburger right then!

So, I say all of that to say that I now understand why my friend made her comment AND I agree with her. Life would be a lot easier if we didn't have to eat or think about eating. It's so time consuming! And a lot of the time, I dont even want to eat because I really am not hungry at all. I mean, I eat when I'm supposed to and I eat my Jenny meals, but I dont always eat all of it anymore because I just am not hungry. I honestly, NEVER thought that would be something I said, but there ya go. I said it.

And another weird thing. If I am in a restaurant, the smell of food disgusts me. Like I feel like I will vomit if I breathe through my nose. I'm just saying. I think it's kinda weird, but it's what happens. So I went from eating everything in sight to almost being disgusted to see or smell food period!

Thoughts

I am in a funk today and I was talking to one of my friends and just thinking about things in general. So, here I am. I've lost 50 pounds. I'm looking forward to my next 50 pounds and I'm realizing that while my self-concept has changed, so has my perception. Before I didnt care if people thought I was fat because I knew I was very large. Now I'm losing weight and realizing that there really is a skinny girl inside me somewhere, slowly making her way out and I want people to see that too.

I realize that I am definitely smaller and sort of have a thing called a figure (just a slight one, still got the spare tire around the middle) but now that I realize that I can actually look sort of skinny, I am a lot more aware of trying to make myself look skinny. And I'm actually wondering what people think of how I look now. For example, yesterday I went grocery shopping for my dad. Now, I dont eat regular food other than fruits and veggies for salads b/c I have my Jenny Craig meals, so everything in the cart was for my dad and dogs. The card was overflowing with the stuff he always gets and all I could think of was, "Lord, I hope no one thinks all of this is for me. I wonder what they think of me. They are probably saying, no wonder she looks like that! Look at all the crap she's got in her buggy!" I know that is ridiculous for me to think that, but I did. And if you know me it was a spontaneous, quick stream of those thoughts all together and then it was over.

Another thing that is difficult for me is compliments and people talking about my weight loss. I guess because I dont feel I look as skinny as people make it out to be. I mean, I know I look smaller than I did, but I could still stand to lose 70 pounds according to the chart. I mean, I really truly am flattered and glad when people say something and I'm glad when they do b/c it means they can see a difference. I guess it's just weird b/c people have never really talked about it before. I hope people dont think I'm rude or ungrateful for their comments. I just am not used to them. Like last week, I think on the same day, one person was talking about how thin my face has gotten and then like 30 minutes later another person said I was wasting away to nothing b/c I was so small. Again, I really am flattered, but I'm not THAT skinny.

I dont really remember the point I was trying to make, but anyways. There ya go. :)

Distorted Self Concept

When I was my fattest (I'm not ashamed to use that word), I had a very distorted self concept. I knew I was fat and even though I knew it, I didnt see it. I never thought I was THAT big. The only times I ever felt THAT fat was when I went shopping for clothes and thought I was one size but really needed a size or 2 bigger. I would get discouraged and just quit shopping.

It's hard to explain, but in my mind, I felt that I looked like I had the body I wanted to have. When I looked in the mirror I didn't see what everyone else saw. I saw a beautiful, happy person who loved life, not a pudgy, round person.

I thank my family and friends for this distorted concept. I'm serious. I'd rather be happy with who I am, than devasted with how I look every time I look in the mirror. My family has ALWAYS supported me and loved me no matter if I was a size 8 or a size 20, and that makes me happy. My mom was taunted when she was young because of her size and I know that she made sure to never let me feel the way she felt. I distinctly remember in 1st grade that I didn't want to go to class because a kid in there made fun of me because I was bigger than the rest of the girls. And I just remember her telling me not to listen to him because I was a great person no matter what. Ever since that moment, I always just ignored people if they did say ugly things about me, and eventually people just didnt say anything. I dont ever remember being teased in elementary, junior high, or high school for how big I was because the people who mattered to me didnt mind what size I was, and the people who minded weren't worth the skin off my back.

Looking back, I do wish I had cared more about how big I was getting, but I would not trade the love I have always felt from my family and friends. I remember having many conversations with my sister about my weight. She has never, not one day in our lives, ever called me fat, big, or any other description of largeness. In our conversations about my weight, she has only ever said she wanted me to be healthy. I think that's why when I started Jenny Craig (and even now) my reason for doing this is not to look like a super model, to be a stick, or be the most attractive person in the world (because I know I won't), but I want to be healthy. Health is way more important than looks can ever be.

Loving yourself for who you are is always a lot more important than how you look. When I was my fattest (and thinking I looked hot anyways) I could not understand why guys didnt like me. I mean, in my eyes and heart I was a great person with a great personality. Now that I'm 50 pounds lighter, I still feel this way and think this. I know that I'm not a stick and I probably never will be, but I know I have a great personality and I'm a lot happier and healthier than I ever thought I could be or that I was 50 pounds ago.

I also just want to add that I know guys may be programmed differently and only see the outside. Maybe in another 50 pounds I'll be physically attractive enough for them to finally be interested in me. But it may also be too late for them (if they already know me now) because if they didn't like who I am now ( a happy, life-living, hard-working, fun-loving girl) why will they deserve the same person in a smaller version? Just thought I'd throw that in there. :)

So even as happy as I thought I was 50 pounds ago, I am even happier now. Now I feel that what I see in the mirror is actually what others can see too. My self-concept has finally met up with reality.

Before and Now

Here are pictures of before I started losing weight and now (50 pounds lighter!)

Howdy!

So, here I am. Starting another blogspot blog. Why do you ask? Well, I've been losing weight since November. Weight has been a constant struggle for me my entire life. I didn't want to really put all that on my other blog. Yes, it is a part of My Life, and I will touch on it on the other blog. But I really want this blog to be just about my struggles, my wins, and all the in betweens of losing weight.

When I first started thinking about a name for this new blog, I was thinking acronyms. Now, to explain further. Since beginning my weight loss journey, my feeling of self worth has increased, my confidence has skyrocketed, and I have become a lot happier with who I am as a person. So, when I started thinking of a name I decided on Diary of a Beautiful, Independent, Gifted, Photogenic, Happy, All-around, Terrific Girl.

Now 9 months ago, when I first started losing weight, I doubt I would have said many, if any, of those things about myself and actually have meant it. Yes, I used to put on a good front that I had all the self confidence in the world, but I really didnt. It was a front, I hated what I looked like and how I felt about myself. As much as I felt I could look past it, I was always worried that people were only seeing my outershell instead of the person I was inside. I was also always terrified of going shopping for clothes because I just knew that they either (1.) wouldn't have my size, (2.) would only have super ugly old lady clothes, or (3.) would make me feel like Julie Roberts in the scene on pretty woman when they refused to help her at the department store.

Now that last one sort of happened to me once. 3 years ago, when my sister and 2 of my best friends were getting married around the same time, I went bridesmaid dress shopping with my friends. So here we are in a little mom and pop bridal shop and the girl who was helping us, I shall call her Ms. Snooty McSnootsnoot, made a comment. Now, at the store, when the comment was made I just laughed it off, but when you look back, those comments are the ones who give people complexes about themselves. My friend had found a bridesmaid dress she really liked for us. Ms. Snooty McSnootsnoot says to the other older lady working there in a hushed hushed voice, "I'm not sure we carry a size for her." and points to me. So, yes, I laugh it off and make a comment about being sorry they dont carry size tent, and I let it go. But here it is 3 years later, I remember that comment. And I always will because there are nicer ways to say you aren't quite sure that they have a size for everyone in the store, but they'll gladly look it up.

Now that was 3 years ago, when I was in a bad place anyways in regards to how I felt about my looks. Here I am 3 years later, 50 pounds lighter with more confidence in myself than ever before. I am by no means skinny or anywhere close to my goal weight, but I am at least working on getting there. 3 weeks ago, I went shopping for some clothes for school because all of my pants were too big (YAY!) So, here I am trying on some pants that are the smallest size pants I've worn since I was probably in junior high and feeling so great about myself. I come out of the dressing room, and the dressing room attendant (grant it she was probably in her 60s) says how great the pants look. Then she tells me I may want to think about getting a girdle. Now, (1.) why the H-E-Double hockey sticks do you say that to someone, (2.) RUDE! I don't care how old you are, dont say crap like that to someone. Now I am in a much better place about how I feel about my looks and I told her "Nah, I'm good" and just let it go and went and changed out of the pants (which I did buy).

Now, just for the record, I did not decide to lose weight because I want to be a total hottie (although I wont complain if I wind up being one). I did it for my health. I know that I'll never be the attractive girl that all the guys want and that's fine. But being healthy and being able to stay here on Earth to watch my sister's baby grow up, to have the relationships with my family and friends, and the make a difference in people's lives are the things that make me the happiest and are the most important things to me.

I hope this blog will enlighten people on how hard it is to be fat, to make the decision to change your entire lifestyle to become healthy, and to stick with it even on the hardest days. That's all for now. I hope you enjoy the Diary of a B.I.G. P.H.A.T girl. :)