Distorted Self Concept

When I was my fattest (I'm not ashamed to use that word), I had a very distorted self concept. I knew I was fat and even though I knew it, I didnt see it. I never thought I was THAT big. The only times I ever felt THAT fat was when I went shopping for clothes and thought I was one size but really needed a size or 2 bigger. I would get discouraged and just quit shopping.

It's hard to explain, but in my mind, I felt that I looked like I had the body I wanted to have. When I looked in the mirror I didn't see what everyone else saw. I saw a beautiful, happy person who loved life, not a pudgy, round person.

I thank my family and friends for this distorted concept. I'm serious. I'd rather be happy with who I am, than devasted with how I look every time I look in the mirror. My family has ALWAYS supported me and loved me no matter if I was a size 8 or a size 20, and that makes me happy. My mom was taunted when she was young because of her size and I know that she made sure to never let me feel the way she felt. I distinctly remember in 1st grade that I didn't want to go to class because a kid in there made fun of me because I was bigger than the rest of the girls. And I just remember her telling me not to listen to him because I was a great person no matter what. Ever since that moment, I always just ignored people if they did say ugly things about me, and eventually people just didnt say anything. I dont ever remember being teased in elementary, junior high, or high school for how big I was because the people who mattered to me didnt mind what size I was, and the people who minded weren't worth the skin off my back.

Looking back, I do wish I had cared more about how big I was getting, but I would not trade the love I have always felt from my family and friends. I remember having many conversations with my sister about my weight. She has never, not one day in our lives, ever called me fat, big, or any other description of largeness. In our conversations about my weight, she has only ever said she wanted me to be healthy. I think that's why when I started Jenny Craig (and even now) my reason for doing this is not to look like a super model, to be a stick, or be the most attractive person in the world (because I know I won't), but I want to be healthy. Health is way more important than looks can ever be.

Loving yourself for who you are is always a lot more important than how you look. When I was my fattest (and thinking I looked hot anyways) I could not understand why guys didnt like me. I mean, in my eyes and heart I was a great person with a great personality. Now that I'm 50 pounds lighter, I still feel this way and think this. I know that I'm not a stick and I probably never will be, but I know I have a great personality and I'm a lot happier and healthier than I ever thought I could be or that I was 50 pounds ago.

I also just want to add that I know guys may be programmed differently and only see the outside. Maybe in another 50 pounds I'll be physically attractive enough for them to finally be interested in me. But it may also be too late for them (if they already know me now) because if they didn't like who I am now ( a happy, life-living, hard-working, fun-loving girl) why will they deserve the same person in a smaller version? Just thought I'd throw that in there. :)

So even as happy as I thought I was 50 pounds ago, I am even happier now. Now I feel that what I see in the mirror is actually what others can see too. My self-concept has finally met up with reality.