A Week Worth of Weighting

Haha. That was a little play on a homophone. We've been patiently waiting for baby Cale to arrive. In the meantime, my emotional eating has come out. I have done horrible staying on my plan. However, I haven't gained any weight, which I don't understand but I'll take it.

I am such a thinker. I think (haha) that is one of my biggest problems. I think about things way too much and I overanalyze everything, which leads to my crazy emotions that I have which leads to indulging in food I shouldn't. The worst part is that I know this and still do it.

So one of the things that I have been thinking about this week is my weight (of course). I had this discussion with my mom, my dad, and my sis. According to my "goal weight," I still have 70 pounds to lose. I told my dad this the other night and he asked me where exactly I would lose the 70 pounds from. Now, I look at myself now and wonder the same thing. I mean, I know I am not skinny, but I also don't see that I'm still 70 pounds overweight either. I talked with my sis about it tonight too and she said the same thing. So, I think I'm going to have to change my goal weight. I mean, I want to be skinny but I don't want to look emaciated either.

It was a great week for compliments too. I appreciate all my friends who said something so nice to me. My dad was the funniest. When we were talking about how much I have left to lose and my new pants that I had on he said, "Girl, you're looking good!" My dad, like me, is very blunt, so I know he meant it.

The last thing that I've been thinking about is what I look like now. I know I've talked about it before, but now that I am smaller than I was, I am way more conscious about if I look fat or not. Someone very honestly told me that my only barrier to getting a guy is my weight. Now, I appreciate their honesty, but I still in my soul believe that is not the only reason. That is just their opinion. I can't believe that every man out there will only be attracted to a woman if she is a bean pole, especially when I see women who are bigger than me with a boyfriend. Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I really believe my personality is attractive enough to outweigh (haha) my weight.

So anyways, again I was talking to my sister and I told her that I really love all the compliments that I get about my weight loss. It definitely makes me feel great about myself. But at the same time, do I really look that good? Or do I just look better than I did? People who knew me 50 pounds ago can say I look great b/c I am smaller looking than I was. But what about people who didn't know me 50 pounds ago? Do they look at me and just think, "wow! here's a very confident, happy chubby girl." I mean I am not gonna kid myself and think that I am a skinny beauty queen by any means, but if someone met me now they would not know that I had worked so hard and lost that weight and that I look better.

So then that makes me think again to the comment that my weight is my barrier. Because yes, a man who has never seen me or met me before would not know that I have lost weight and would only see me as a chubby girl and move on. However, the single men that I know and have known me since I was super fat should know me well enough to know my personality and in my dreamer world should be able to look past the chubby girl I am now and be attracted to the super awesome person that I am that is driven to succeed and get healthy.

I don't know. Just some thoughts I keep tossing back and forth. I promise I am not in a sad mood about it. I understand you can't make someone like you or be attracted to you or love you. I'm not worried about it. And I'm not going to quit being a dreamer and thinking that there are guys out there who don't let the physical look outweigh the personality of a person.