Thoughts

I am in a funk today and I was talking to one of my friends and just thinking about things in general. So, here I am. I've lost 50 pounds. I'm looking forward to my next 50 pounds and I'm realizing that while my self-concept has changed, so has my perception. Before I didnt care if people thought I was fat because I knew I was very large. Now I'm losing weight and realizing that there really is a skinny girl inside me somewhere, slowly making her way out and I want people to see that too.

I realize that I am definitely smaller and sort of have a thing called a figure (just a slight one, still got the spare tire around the middle) but now that I realize that I can actually look sort of skinny, I am a lot more aware of trying to make myself look skinny. And I'm actually wondering what people think of how I look now. For example, yesterday I went grocery shopping for my dad. Now, I dont eat regular food other than fruits and veggies for salads b/c I have my Jenny Craig meals, so everything in the cart was for my dad and dogs. The card was overflowing with the stuff he always gets and all I could think of was, "Lord, I hope no one thinks all of this is for me. I wonder what they think of me. They are probably saying, no wonder she looks like that! Look at all the crap she's got in her buggy!" I know that is ridiculous for me to think that, but I did. And if you know me it was a spontaneous, quick stream of those thoughts all together and then it was over.

Another thing that is difficult for me is compliments and people talking about my weight loss. I guess because I dont feel I look as skinny as people make it out to be. I mean, I know I look smaller than I did, but I could still stand to lose 70 pounds according to the chart. I mean, I really truly am flattered and glad when people say something and I'm glad when they do b/c it means they can see a difference. I guess it's just weird b/c people have never really talked about it before. I hope people dont think I'm rude or ungrateful for their comments. I just am not used to them. Like last week, I think on the same day, one person was talking about how thin my face has gotten and then like 30 minutes later another person said I was wasting away to nothing b/c I was so small. Again, I really am flattered, but I'm not THAT skinny.

I dont really remember the point I was trying to make, but anyways. There ya go. :)